Out of Control Texting

Last night's texts after DH stormed out. He was angered because while discussing splitting the finances, I quietly reminded him that in the divorce decree he signed, he did agree to pay the mortgage through December 31st. Apparently he had forgotten about this and didn't look it over before he signed. Now that the divorce is final, it's the rule. He claims that I screwed him over, and in his rage he threatened to refuse to pay anything he agreed upon, besides child support. He threatened to empty his retirement account so we can't split it. He struck me, painfully in the gut, with a thrown book, he poked me hard in the forehead, he screamed obscenities at me, displayed physically threatening body language, and disparaged my family. I stayed mostly quiet and turned my face away. I was indignant, but also scared. Then he left. I knew he was completely in the wrong, but I also knew he was shocked and stressed (his own fault, but still, I felt empathy for his loss of control) so I texted him...

ME: Calm down. Nothing is different.
DH: Fuck u
ME: Calm down. I’m here when you are settled down. I wasn’t intent on holding you to the mortgage part. That was written before I had a job.
DH: Fuck u..rotten in he’ll. I hate u & always will. I am sad tht mg boys will have to grow up with such a bitch for a mother. Please post this on the Internet because it is the truth.
ME. Please calm down. And you should come back. Beeb will be hurt tomorrow.
ME: What is the truth?
DH: I really glad that u are willing to piss way the only savings that u will have
DH: The truth is that u pushed me away bc you are a pathetic person. Someone who is arrogant, unmotivated, messy & runs her mother [mouth] all the time. I should have fucked more girls than Natasha. Oh by the way, I may start dating Natasha again, at least she respects me.
ME: I know you are mad. But nothing is different. Please calm down.
ME: Just settle down.
DH: Calm down, I will camp down the day that u are out of my life. I can’t wait for some sad sap to get caught in your web. Don’t ever introduce your boyfriends to me bc I will let them know what a mistake u are.
ME. Settle down. You don’t mean these things. You are hurting yourself.
DH: Hurting myself…haha.
ME: By being unkind . You are saying very painful things.
DH: By the way, I mean every bit of it. I wasted 10 years of my life….I should have never u. Married u.
ME: That’s sad. I love you still though. I won’t shut you out. Was just trying to protect myself.
DH. U are the biggest piece of shit that I have ever been associated with. I try to be nice but u ruin it
DH: My mother may gave faults but she was right about u! I should have listened to her from the start
ME: That’s hurtful. I know it isn’t honest though. Btw I love your mom too, I don’t expect perfect
DH: Rotten in he’ll. I am done falling for your bullshit, j tried to be nice in the decree but now the gloves are off Good luck when u need something. ..this bridge has been burned
ME: I’m sorry you are so upset. You know in your heart I am not trying to screw or hurt you. You just know it and that is that.
ME: I do not wish to hurt you . I hope you can come to some peace, I don’t like when you are so upset and hateful.
DH: Stay out of my life. Go away.
ME: I care and I am stung by all the things you said. I don’t know why you want to hurt me but I will leave you alone now. I’m here when you are ready. As always.

DH reappeared this morning around 5:30AM as I was waking up to get dressed for work. He wanted to wake up Beeb and feed him breakfast. I allowed him to do so. As I was getting ready for work, he quietly left.

whew.

Derelict Girl

Today was dynamic in terms of this roller coaster. In a good way. Until...

Coincidentally, I saw Derelict Girl this afternoon while driving through my neighborhood. She was dropping off her daughters at the house where her ex husband stayed, the one with the perfect landscaping. I thought she saw me, but who knows and who cares.

I haven't seen her since November, before I knew. And seeing her now struck something in me, it felt just awful. Here are the ugly thoughts, please forgive my lack of grace... I don't think I am perfect, okay? I'm no sweetheart, I don't live to make everyone happy, but I do live a life my friends wouldn't have to defend. And I was hurt by her.

What is it like to be her? I don't mean the guilt she should feel, as I am pretty sure she sleeps well at night. Instead I mean to be so utterly pathetic and at any man's feet, what is that like to be so poorly bred:

The kind of girl who chases men like a wild beast and sleeps with them immediately, without even knowing if she'll see them again...without even the excuse of drunkeness?

The kind of girl who would fall in love with a married man, one who doesn't even love her back?

The kind of girl who sends highly suggestive texts and some unspeakably vulgar ones as well, to you during the day, and also constantly compliments you and seemingly worships you... and yet you aren't her boyfriend or have even had a meaningful conversation.

The kind of girl who people call bugaboo. *ok, that was me. Tho DH didn't defend her, not that his opinion matters, beyond obviously!!

The kind of girl who will send you numerous friend requests on facebook even after you've ignored her again and again and again.

The kind of girl who keeps you on her mass email list, even after it's over, just to keep an "in" and feel like she's part of your actual life, even though she represents complete destruction of your former life.

The kind of girl who pretends she is cool with a casual sexual relationship and yet finds some lame excuse to talk to you every day, just to "see how you are doing." *subtle! we're friends right?! wink wink

The kind of girl who is available to see you at the last minute, even if you didn't contact her until 5pm on Saturday. The kind of girl who breaks her plans, if she even had any.

The kind of girl who tried to make plans with you only to find you had plans with the guys, but still offers her bed and a back rub or something supposedly irresistible, spontaneously, just in case you have nothing better to do at 2:30 AM. Oh and she's probably sent a "concerned" text message hoping you made it home safe, even though she isn't your girlfriend or even friend.

The kind of girl who makes herself one of your many options, whenevs you like, she's game.

The kind of girl who talks to guys and not girls, because she thinks we're all against her or jealous of her big fake breasts.

The kind of girl who proclaims she knows how to have a good time. Because if she didn't say so aloud... ?

WHAT does this feel like? No, I am not chipper and happy all the time, but I do like myself quite a bit, I know I don't hurt people, I know I respect myself a lot. Does she feel good about herself while throwing herself at men? Does she find this empowering or what? WTF.


I just re-read this, don't make the mistake of thinking I am shocked by her. I'm not. I know this happens all the time. But not in my world and I would never. I guess she sounds like a pretty average girl who fell for a natural born charmer. Sucks being myself and in the minority, but I would rather be single forever than be like her, one so easily enchanted. Where are all the cool people? HERE and there, not everywhere. And despite everything I endured, I managed to see through him, all along, even from the day we met. Eyes don't lie. So in the midst of crisis, I stopped thinking and just went with heart, kind of a risk! I was patient, I forgave him earnestly, I appealed to him with humility and I persuaded him to give me more (money basically), what I thought and what he knew I deserved. And he gave me as much as he could afford. I didn't have to go to trial. I just waited for the anger to wear down and I kept talking honestly and listening, as I always had. Or I wore him down, whichever, it worked.

TaTa loved DH, I mean, she didn't say so that I know of, but just the few actions alone that I was allowed to observe spoke volumes. She thought he was the best catch ever. Nevermind what that ungrateful Andrea must think, right? Tata ultimately got dumped, within a few weeks after my forgiveness. hmmm. No that doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel pity and a little bit of guilt for my smug sense of intellectual and emotional superiority. Yeah, that. Awesome.

It's kind of fun to imagine being her for a day though. Must be fabulously superficial, with a beautifully landscaped lawn.

whatever people

Ahh, people handle crisis so differently....

Not sure what I was thinking, but I posted my blog on my facebook, where SIL is one of my friends. I manipulated the settings on facebook so that only certain people could see that I had listed a website at all. I allowed my SIL to be on this list... I wasn't really thinking it through, I certainly didn't know what was coming.

And well, she read it. And then she notified DH, as if he didn't know I had a blog. He's never bothered to read this, but she did and apparently thought it was worse that I had posted it than the fact that I had been abused by her brother and was coping this way. DH claims he thought I just wrote about mundane motherhood stuff, I know I had told him it was deeper than that, but to his defense, we really hadn't discussed it at length and he's never really asked a lot of me.

She also notified MIL. Truly, I don't mind that they know, imo, they should know and I am not ashamed. They should have confronted DH and asked him wtf had happened. But they never have! I suppose it's too painful or perhaps they truly don't care?? They have never questioned him! If it were my brother, I would have immediately been on the phone asking, "wtf happened? talk to me!" DH's family doesn't talk about problems, that I know of anyway. Perhaps they do in privacy. In my nearly 10 years of experience with them, however, deep issues are swiftly tucked under the perfectly vaccuumed rug. Instead of talking about feelings, they just get over it instead of addressing it head on. Or do they?

So now MIL has told DH that she has always thought I was arrogant (ahh...character assassinating) and that she wants NOTHING to do with me. Oh, is that so? After supposedly loving me as a daughter all of these years, you are suddenly vilifying me because I wrote a paragraph about my disappointment in you in November? I have an imaginary gag order now?? Now that you know what your son has done to me, you hate me for acknowledging it, for speaking frankly about a difficult subject, for the desire to clarify what I have endured? Perhaps you think I deserved it because I was always so ungrateful and arrogant?

Well, after speaking to MIL, DH was angry too, with me and the whole situation my blog had incited. He began to tell me that I was just looking for sympathy (to which I said, well...maybe I am!!) and that I am just as much as fault for the demise of the relationship as he is. Then he threatened to start a blog detailing how much I suck at housecleaning and such. Seriously. He said that those things are just as important to him as being treated with kindness are to me. He said, as he has before in anger, that I "drove" him to the affair and that he abused me verbally because he can't deal with what a horrible person I am.

I let him read the part of my blog that mentioned MIL. It was from the post titled, Worst Day Ever, in Nov. 2008. He pointed out that it was sarcastic, but not so bad and understandable considering what I was dealing with on that day. I'd had some tough breaks, MIL could cut me some slack, in other words.

Well, by the next day he had totally calmed down and was back to the "I love you's." He even talked to MIL, she wasn't budging. He told me she said something that struck him like a lightning bolt, she literally told him that I should have "sucked it up" instead of blogging my feelings for anyone to see.

DH surprised me then. He sighed and said his mom just didn't know any other way to handle it, and he understood why she was hurt, but that ultimately he realized without someone else telling him so, that his mom was wrong. He said, "what if I had broken your bones? would she expect you to suck it up then??" "Sucking it up" is not an indicator of strength, it's a coping mechanism for sure and can be effective, but it's a better indicator of cowardice. I cried and cried, how validating. And I wasn't even seeking this. I never wanted to drive a wedge between DH and his family. He knows this.

DH gets it. That means a lot to me. He doesn't "like" that I have a blog, but he accepts why it's being written. Out of courtesy, I did temporarily make this blog private so that uninvited readers cannot see it.

Sure, he'll rage at me again for something else, even this again, someday. But he always comes back to rational if I stay firm but tempered, expressinf vulnerability, humility and forgiveness at the same time. I withheld judgment of his mother and sister, instead of saying they were mean witches, I said they are possibly just emotionally repressed and they just don't get it like DH and I do. I forgive them already. Even though DH did all this stuff to me, the verbal abuse, the infidelity, the neglect...he understands the gravity. He really does. If the in-laws don't, that's out of my control.

I am very proud of DH today. Too little too late though. Too bad we have to get divorced. Maybe if he can fix this problem of his and we are both single as we approach our 40's.... :-)

peace and love to in-laws everywhere.

Funny what doesn't work

I have been going through my filing cabinet and splitting up our files. I am nowhere near done, but I started pulling out unneccessary paper clutter and my throw away pile is heavy! It's enough for tonight.

Just came across some of those old written letters/memoirs that I used to write before I had my sons whenever DH would hurt my feelings. I found the one from 2002 that said something about how he had yelled at me for something I did wrong when I ran errands for his smoothie store one Saturday afternoon. In it, I detailed what lead up to the tension, and I also wrote a prophetic remark that went something like, "I'm only 27, if you aren't going to get help and stop this behavior, we should really just split up while I am still young." As if it's all over at age 30, right? Have I blogged about that one before? *sigh*

Anyway, my point is this: My 27 year old self was truly naive. First of all, for thinking that my loooong, wordy, boring, articulate, passionate, detailed, heartfelt letter was going to be read with keen interest from any man. Second, for thinking that my husband in particular would somehow read my words and have this sudden "aha" moment. He was about 30 at the time...if he didn't "get it" by then, what was I thinking was going to happen? f-ing magic? And no offense, but words are for women. My girlfriends might have read my letter and really felt my pain, I think most guys would look at it and just cringe and call me crazy.

It's laughable on all points. What was really in my mind? I guess I was still really in awe of DH at that time, our marriage was about 4 years old then. I still thought he was really a great catch and all.

I did nothing wrong by writing the letters, but with a verbal abuser there is nothing I could have done to stop him from behaving that way, even if miraculously, he had poured over them and shed tears. Or if someone can do something, there's no way I would have known that then, when I still wholeheartedly believed in him. I wrote down my feelings for him to read (and often he would angrily crumple up and toss away the paper without even a glance!). I am stunned at how much time I wasted sharing my thoughts. DH is no bleeding heart, and I knew it!

I blogged about my HS boyfriend before... T was 16 and while I laugh at those silly letters now, he was really good for a guy his age at articulating his thoughts and feelings for me, numerous times over our nearly 3 year relationship. DH is about to be 37 and never wrote more than a short paragraph to me in ten years.

Simply put, it's funny that I tried for so long to reach DH with writing. When he was verbally abusive, all that needed to be said was that his behavior was absolutely unacceptable. But just telling him that wasn't working! I knew he wouldn't listen to me in person, so I sadly wrote it down because it was my only hope. It didn't work. It didn't make things worse, either, except that the history is still here now, on notebook paper, right in front of me.

Reminding me that I was really miserably working on fixing the relationship for a long, long time. I could cry until I laugh, or laugh until I cry.

I really wasted some youth on this man, wow.

6/12/99

Hi.

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. Or non-anniversary, really.

On Saturday, June 12th in 1999 I was in Las Vegas with DH. I was secure and happy and excited. DH was madly in love with me and I was completely swept away.

The past six months had been a whirlwind! In December of 1998, I had finally ended a seemingly neverending 8 month long non-exclusive relationship with a complete cad. The story of that relationship's demise is jaw-dropping unneccessary absurdity worthy of it's own blog.

In February of 1999, I met DH. He had seen me hanging around some of his friends and had wanted to meet me. He was not my usual type, I had always preferred counter-culture individual types, I had never paid serious romantic attention to the popular frat boy types before, though I had numerous platonic friendships with them. I liked an edgier guy then, but the aforementioned relationship was causing me to open my mind a bit to other "types." DH was 26, above average mainstream straight-laced sort, in an established career, he took me out on real dates and we had a great dynamic from the start. But after we dated a few weeks, he suddenly backed away from me for about a week. I didn't call him, but I was completely hurt and was left wondering what I had done wrong. I hadn't been clingy, I had been happy and friendly and carefree, and he had seemed absolutely blown away. So not wanting to analyze my apparent misinterpretations of cues, I wrote him off in my mind, thinking I should have known better than to date a frat boy. I went out with my friends on a Saturday night. Later, at our mutual friends apartment, I ran into DH. He didn't speak to me or even look at me, just sat quietly on a sofa (very unlike him). My friend and I didn't stay long, I was very uncomfortable and foolish. I am sure I cried at some point before going to sleep.

That night, around 4AM, DH called me. He was drunk and kept saying, "I'm a dick. I'm so sorry. Are you mad at me? Do you still want to see me?" I admitted I wasn't happy that he'd pulled away from me, but I said that I would still see him. He called me the next day and every day after that, and we continued to see each other a few times a week. He was winsomely vulnerable and admitted that I scared him. I don't know why I scared him, maybe he hadn't really met a deep girl before. But whatever it was about me was no game, I was myself completely, if slightly wary and guarded.

One weekend, DH traveled to New Orleans for a bachelor party with his college friends. I went out locally and ran into our mutual single guy friends. I also met a very cute and funny guy, he was a medical student from New York *supposedly. We were by each others side all night having great conversation and dancing. Little did I know, one of those mutual single guy friends decided to call DH in New Orleans and tell him I was hanging out with some guy. DH called me, again around 4AM and drunk. He wanted to know who the guy was, said he didn't want me to see other guys, he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I said I'd think about it, but we should talk about that when he's back in town. Then he said he loved me. I told myself if he said it again when he wasn't drunk that I would believe it. And he did. So we became exclusive. And by May, he asked me to marry him.

I never cared less in my life about big weddings and all the fluff. DH didn't care either. So he arranged for us to get married in Las Vegas two weeks later.

And that was 6/12/1999. I was 23 and I thought I knew everything and that everything was perfect and that we would never abandon one another, ever. DH promised to take care of me and someday let me be a stay at home mom with lots of babies. He fulfilled that promise, it came at a cost.

It was worth it too, I have two beautiful young boys to raise with DH. He is a good father *for now. But I'm finally done being that self sacrificing wife. I never wanted to give up on DH, I still feel guilt in doing so, but over half of my marriage was spent hanging on by my fingernails on the edge of a cliff while DH wouldn't even turn around and look at me, much less pull me up...he had pushed me off, after all. He broke my heart because he allowed himself to have contempt for me, verbally abuse me, sleep with other women, even made a pass at a friend or two, and never worked to establish trust. He couldn't just be on my side. I accept him the way he is, but I will never understand why it was so difficult for him to just not speak unkindly. Why he threw a relationship with me away like garbage....when he invested so much kind effort in those who don't even know him. I would never do these things to anybody, much less the person to whom I had devoted my life.

I could have him back, I could "save" my marriage. I don't even want to... because I couldn't "save" him no matter what I did.

Ten years. Significant amount of time, but I am not sad! I took my time getting here, but it's the strangest cool measure of indifference. Things he does still affect me, but to such a lesser degree than I expected. I feel such a sense of acceptance and humor. The world is too fragile for anger, I just love him....as something other than my husband and definitely other than romantic. I refuse to let this become some tragedy.

On 6/12/2007, DH and I discussed divorce over our 8th anniversary dinner. Just days before, I had confessed to him that I knew we wouldn't be together much longer.

On 6/12/2008, I was having a drink with a male friend and essentially telling him that DH and I had a good partnership. DH went out for drinks with his friends, though now I suspect he went out to see Ta Ta. DH and I went to a dinner and movie to "celebrate" the following weekend and he called me a few names. And I just laughed until I cried, or vice versa.

aha, I'm an imbecile again

Hadn't heard this one in a while. Ha.

Yes, DH was at the house tonight visiting the boys. I had an item that was taking up space and belonged to a female neighbor down the street, so I ran it down to her and spent probably 20 minutes speaking with her.

I knew DH wouldn't be happy with me, but it really wasn't any of his business. It was his time with the kids, and frankly, since he's not yet at a point where he has a place to take them overnight, I was relishing my brief free time.

He yelled at me in front of the boys. Not just yelled, spoke hatefully and made numerous character assassinations. I think he called me selfish, stupid, worthless was definitely said a lot, "I can do so much better than you," annoying, lazy, etc...

After the boys went to bed, he was on my computer at "his" desk looking for tax documents, he'd filed an extension and was meeting with his accountant the next morning. He went to print something off of our old and about to crash laptop and the document would no print our of our personal accounting software. DH spent well over an hour trying to get the print job to work. I asked him why not just write the item down, I asked why it mattered if it were typed because our personal accounting software is in no way some sort of official database.

He snarled that he doesn't like to do things half-ass and "inefficient" like me. I don't know how efficient it is to stay up until 1AM just to not be able to print an unofficial document, but whatever! I laughed him off, he continued to make really cruel and heartless remarks. I still laughed, though still in a sort of shock, at the same time crying softly, "how can you say those things to me so carelessly?" Later on, after he figured out a workaround for the tax item, he kissed me on the head and asked me how I put up with him all the time, and said he was sorry.

I just smiled and said, "Because I know you and I know you love me and I love you too. Just don't want to be your wife."

So glad I'm divorcing him. Affirmations abound.

words I've endured from DH

As my 10th anniversary approaches, divorce paperwork almost completed, I thought I would share this little list... Truly, I find the humor in it. It's quite absurd to even imagine, isn't it? And I am so glad it's the past.

Worthless
Ugly
Stupid
Moron
Fat
Slob
Brainless *like the time I bought the wrong size carton of strawberries for the smoothie store
Idiot
"I hate you"
"I can't f-ing stand you"
Terrible wife
Terrible mother
Loser with no friends
"everyone hates you"
"your friends can't stand you"
"my family hates you"
"even your family hates you"
"all my friends think I am better off without you"
"all my friends think you are bitchy" *...so?? of course they do, they don't know.
"Bottomfeeder raised by pot smoking hippies!" *they only smoked pot before I came along.
annoying
nag
lazy
failure in life
"I never had any problems with anger before you"
"You are the worst thing that's ever happened to me"
"I want to hit you in the head so hard that your head rolls on the ground"
"I f-ed her because she let me and I wanted to. I did it because I wanted to hurt YOU!"
"I can do better than you"
"You can't do anything right"
miserable
pathetic
"stop f-ing crying!!! get off your ass, suck it up you f-ing little baby!"

....just sayin'

Took the bait

DH called today and asked if he could switch a weekend with me because, just like nearly every weekend, he was invited to something cool to do. Have I mentioned that DH is a local and happens to be extremely magnetic and charming? He has three very layered and strong networks of friends. His high school friends who for the most part were also members of the fraternity he joined later. He was ridiculously popular on campus, homecoming king even, and also became great friends after college with a group of guys who were in a rival fraternity. Then there are the random single guys who he met in large part through his gym and bar hopping. Each group loosely know each other, but they socialize seperately. The high school friends are low key and married with kids for the most part, but they host numerous parties and cookouts in the suburbs. The post college buddies are for the most part single and almost none of them have children, the men generally drink very heavily and go to sports bars. The random single guys were ones who I actually had been running into for quite a while before I met DH, but they had become his main running buddies when DH and I were dating.

My point is, DH always has something social to do. I don't. I plan ahead and invite friends to do things with me over a week ahead of time so that I am not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I only have a few local friends who are even available to go places with me, I adore my married friends, but honestly, they are for the most part, DH's friends in reality and it's not like I really want to be a third wheel on their movie nights, know what I mean?

I told DH I wasn't sure if I was ready to commit to switch weekends, NOT out of vindictiveness, just because I had already told a few friends I was available that weekend and wanted to keep it free for a little bit longer. He snapped back, "well, whatever A...I won't ask you anymore!!" I was in no mood for this so I essentially told him to can it and stop giving me attitude. Numerous times I remember telling him, "it's not personal, I just don't know yet?" I have already accomodated his social schedule a couple of times, of which I reminded him, and he naturally responded with his usual tirade of how I need to remember that I am only living in the house beccause he's letting me, that he is still paying all the bills, that if it were up to him, I would give the boys to him and just move back home with my mom! Of course, it's an idle threat, but I took the bait and started shouting at him. I was on the defense, after all, all extra sensitive and battle ready, I clearly picked up on his nuanced threat to pull the rug out from underneath me. He won't do it, and I know this, so I should have just sighed and told him bye for now...but I didn't. I kept telling him off and defending my "indecision" about switching weekends because I wasn't sure if it was to my benefit yet.

I am not sure all of what was said, but somehow he ended up calling me stupid, a nag, stubborn, that I couldn't see that "1 + 1 = 2, not 3." <---not sure wtf he was talking about there, but he was basically telling me that I was imagining that he was giving me bad attitude. Which is absurd of course, he was denying that he had even insulted me. I was calling him out...assertively at first, but then I went ahead and took it to crazy angry just-listen-to-me..... I know better than this, I don't know why I didn't stop myself.

We did make up of course, because later by phone, he sort of apologized and had calmed down. Now saying that he would figure out the arrangements for the boys himself and that he really didn't need to go to the party anyway. I don't care if he goes to the party, of course, I was simply looking forward to having TWO weekends to myself in a row. If he does choose to go to the party anyway, though, I will probably ask him to just bring the boys to me anyway.

So all that fighting for no reason. I have done well in the past several months, so I don't know what triggered me to take the bait this time. Must remember to politely disengage when DH gets heated. The fight sucked the energy out of me and even though I wasn't consciously thinking about it later, I didn't sleep well at all.

quick update

Not doing so well mentally. I am generally happy, but super stressed even though I seem to not be getting anything accomplished.

The boys were out of their 5 hour Parent's Day Out program thanks to our local independent school district closing due to swine flu. Apparently one person in our county had been diagnosed with swine flu, although I am skeptical. See http://www.thedoctorwithin.com/swine/swine-flu.php to find out where my skepticism was born. That site has been in my favorites for 9 years. All began when I started talking to fellow female melasma sufferers in an online forum, that lead to an interest in holistic medicine, which was only exaggerated when I learned that my sister had a chronic kidney stone disease and my best friend was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

Ah, this was supposed to be a quick update. So anyway, the boys being out of school threw me off, plus I have them for three weekends in a row due to some rearranging of soon-to-be-ex DH's schedule. Since DH has already had two out of town trips in May and because he still lives an hour away at his parent's house anyway, he isn't able to relieve me from the children overnight on a weekday. So there's the fact that I have been with my sons 24/7 since April 19th. Other than essentially 10 hours of Parent's Day Out and one Saturday night when I hired a babysitter so I could go into the city for drinks with a girlfriend for the first time in over a month.

I am thinking about saying something to someone I might be interested in. I love trouble, I'm not scared and I never chase men. I have a feeling this one might hurt short time, with long term potential. Or maybe not. Then as has happened before with others, by the time they are ready to admit their admiration, I have moved on to someone else. Indeed, worth a shot.

...and a swing and a miss!

You don't need me anymore

After a particularly bothersome argument over which weekend DH was making up for his lost weekend with the kids, I began to take a hard look at how accomodating I have been...all for the benefit of his "help," when I really don't need that much of his help at all.

I think it's easy to fall back into old habits of dependency when you have been married to a controlling person for 9 years...

My television went dead. The thing is only about 5 years old. Just under 5, actually, as we had purchased a 5 year warranty! DH scheduled a tech repair and the tech showed up on Monday morning. However, he needed to remove the TV from the armoir and I couldn't help him. He asked me if I had anyone around to move it for him.

I laughed and said, "no?"

So the tech left and suggested we reschedule when I could find someone to help move it out so he could access the back panel. He was really kind about it, we had a good laugh when I asked, "well, what if I was a little lonely old lady who didn't know any strong young men to help?" To that he explained that the company could send out an additional tech to help with heavy lifting, but it would have cost extra.

So DH said he would move it out of the armoir, but he hasn't. And here it is Thursday. What was I waiting for? I texted my neighbors, both divorced bachelors who have heard my story and have recently became rather protective of me in friendship. They both came by after work and moved the TV out, no sweat. I also scheduled the tech to come back out, earliest they could arrive was next Tuesday. One neighbor even offered to let me borrow his extra tv just sitting in his garage, but after he took the measurements, he realized it would not fit.

Can I just say that I love male friends? I made sure to let them know I was going out for drinks this weekend with the girls and that we should all get in touch on Saturday...

DH texted later to say he had arranged with his friend to come by and move the TV on Friday and said he would schedule the tech for Monday. I texted back that it was already taken care of. He was surprised and asked who. I mentioned the neighbors. I thought about saying, "nunya" but I would really hate if DH said that to me when I wanted to know something, so I resisted. DH replied, "Guess you don't need me anymore. Goodnight!" I texted back with a big smiley face.

Little things, but big impact.

DH called me an idiot

It was an otherwise unremarkable Tuesday night. Beeb has soccer practice and DH is now an assistant coach. Boo has Little Gym. So Tuesday night has become the night that DH visits during the week.

I take Beeb to meet DH at the practice field, then I immediately drive to Little Gym for Boo. After class is over, we meet Beeb and DH at "our" house. DH typically stays the night. I don't have a problem with this unless he is being unkind to me. He gets to spend time with the kids and sometimes helps with some cleaning up. Otherwise he has to drive an hour away to his parents house, where he is currently residing. Unless he has a girlfriend or a lover somewhere closer, in which case, and another topic altogether, I just have to say she's really naive.

I had fed a light supper to the boys before leaving for soccer practice. I don't think I ate a proper meal this evening. But DH was starving and by the time I arrived home, he was rummaging through the cabinets and asking what I was making for dinner. I explained that the boys were fed. He barked, "Then what are you eating?" I said, "nothing!"

I suggested a few things he could prepare, including canned soup, bagged salad, and some baby carrots and broccoli with dip... He interrupted me and snapped hatefully, "I told you, I can't eat that stuff!! I am on the Atkin's diet this week! If you had any discipline yourself, you would UNDERSTAND!!"

I spun around then and asked mockingly, "what? are you being serious?? and you think this is my problem? you are really going to speak to me like this, again, today, on your night with the kids...in front of them, no less? That's your choice, but if you don't shape up right now, you can just leave!"

He glared at me and continued to gripe. By this time Beeb had wrapped his arms around DH and was begging him not to leave. DH dared tell Beeb that he was leaving because Mommy was being mean to him! I held my ground and I corrected him, so Beeb could hear, "Not true, DH. If you can't speak respectfully in this house then you just have to leave!"

DH lunged at me threateningly and said, "Quit being an IDIOT!!"

By this time, it was truly laughable. I was just done. Indignant, but not mad. I don't care enough to get mad anymore. I rolled my eyes, told him he was just hungry and needed a "time out" in the car for a few minutes. He angrily left to get his food and took a whimpering Beeb with him. When he returned, he was hanging his head. He told me he felt bad, said he was sorry and that he had brought a peace offering. He handed me a grocery sack. Inside was a new purple lock he had promised to replace for me weeks ago and an 8 piece sushi roll dinner.

I am over him, which is probably why his behavior bothers me less and less. However, in moments like these where I keep my chin up and somehow he comes around without a lecture...I wonder if we could have worked this out. If miraculously, he had wanted to really win back my long gone romantic affection, and gone through with me the change that this marriage would have required. I do believe that too many people give up before the change can even have a ghost of a chance... I have to keep believing that I held on and waited too long. Love isn't black and white. There is no absolute right feeling that I am getting from this divorce. But it is underway and I am not turning back. Maybe DH will change someday, maybe with someone else, but he took enough years from me. Waiting out the possible reward was just too great of a risk.

Rain stole my weekend vacay

Now that I am essentially single, I can take these fun weekend trips, when DH has the kids, to see friends scattered throughout the country. A good friend from Tulsa moved to Houston last Fall, I have a best friend in L.A., another in Phoenix, a childhood friend in Denver, and I have family in the Richmond, VA area. It's more expensive, but I also have another grade school friend in Spain who wants to host a visit, as well as a high school friend in rural Australia who would be down for a week in Sydney if I could make a flight. So I have a lot of places to check off my list before I find dreamboat guy and get married and have kids again. (Bwahaha haha!) Because we all know how relationships and children can delay visits with friends.

I had planned a weekend in Houston for several months, and I was really looking forward to a great time, but the whole weekend was basically a bust.

It rained, hard, starting in the Friday traffic in Dallas through Saturday night in Houston. There was a break in the rain on Friday evening, so my friend and I did attempt to go out. Since it was only Friday night, we picked this night to stay local and she took me to a few different places in Clear Lake City, a good distance south of Houston, and where she resides.

First, we went to a quaint little italian restaurant and ended up being the last customers there because the taxi cab took forever to arrive. My friend, Lissy, doesn't drive when she is drinking at all, so we cabbed everywhere. Then we went to a bar/sports bar/pool hall type of dive where the crowd was either really young or just really beneath our standards. We had two drinks there, then tried another place next door and downstairs. This place has live bands and was charging $10 per person cover charge. I knew that would be a waste of money, so luckily, Lissy was able to convince the door man to let us in two for one. We were disappointed upon entering, however, to find that the band this night was not some hip and fun cover band, but a Kiss tribute band. NOT. what. we. were. in. for.

In an effort to glam up our night, we headed to the bar and each ordered a cosmo martini. Even though there were martini glasses collecting dust on a nearby shelf, the bartender explained that they no longer serve martini's in martini glasses because they break too often. He served our cosmos in collins glasses.

We walked away from the Kiss tribute band to the room next door playing dance music, but all of 8 people were even there. We stood and took it all in woefully for a few minutes and a couple of guys walked up and said, "you ladies having fun tonight?" They were very young, short, unfashionable and frankly, rather toothy and unappealing. I smiled politely and said we were trying to. One of the guys said, "I am looking to have fun, I just got back from Iraq!!" To this I replied, "I understand that, people trying to kill you and stuff and you come back home and you just want some nice girls to hang out with." Not us, clearly.

But there was no one else nearby. We did want to sit down and these guys lead us over to a table, unfortunately, closer to the band. Ahh. I don't normally smoke, but tonight was one of those nights. Lissy and I lit up our cigarettes and smoked and thought for a bit. The guys didn't speak much, because we wouldn't have heard them over the very loud band anyway. I didn't want to look like I was too disappointed to Lissy, so I just sat and followed her lead. If she was okay hanging out at this bar for a while, then I would bear it. Finally, she indicated that she wanted me to follow her to the bar, we didn't even say goodbye to the guys, and we made a beeline for the bar and tabbed out. Then left abruptly.

In the parking lot, we discussed where to go next...but I just said we could give up if she wanted to. Her favorite cabbie, fat Nicole, happened to have just dropped someone else off. We hailed her and hopped in. It was 12:45 AM. We headed back to Lissy's house and had a few more drinks and smokes on her back patio instead of trying to go out.

Saturday was heavy rain all day and into the evening. It was so much that the streets temporarily flooded. We took long afternoon naps, hoping to wake up to dry streets and more energy, but it just didn't happen. It was still rather wet at 10PM when we finally dragged ourselves out. We had decided not to venture into downtown, to my disappointment, because a cab fare would have been $52. So we headed out in search of something cool, but neither of us were feeling especially energetic, so we settled on the local Friday's and called it a night after that.

Sunday was beautiful, but all too late. Lissy drove me to the Kemah boardwalk and we had lunch at the aquarium. All the while, I was checking the clock because I had to be back in Dallas before 9 PM and not knowing what Houston traffic had in store for me, I couldn't relax. I did arrive home before 9, but that was the only good news all weekend. It was nice to be around Lissy and reminisce, but the weather was astoundingly energy zapping. I plan to go back in the summer and give this place another shot.

Now... thinking about a weekend in Denver this summer as well to visit another old girl friend.

eHarmony sucks

I wasn't planning on becoming a paid subscriber, but eHarmony.com allows me to take their looong personality profile quiz and have a membership with a profile description and a pic. So I signed up just to see what was out there.

Unless I am just missing something, I found no way to discriminate my matches based on height and income. So since I earn $0 at the moment, and I am 5'3, eHarmony seems to think that my perfect match would be a sensitive, 40 yr old 5'7 security officer!! And in order to clear out a few of the 12 maximum allowed matches in my queue, the system has to actually send the short guy a "close" note with my reason. It provides a multiple choice list, so I chose "other," and winced a little. eHarmony doesn't allow you to select age limits, and since I prefer younger guys, this was a problem. It's not that I wouldn't date a 40 yr old at all, but I am going to expect a LOT more from him than I will an up and coming 26 yr. old. And well, in my experience, men at the older side of Generation X are a little bit more old school when it comes to treating strong women with respect. The ones I have gotten to know romantically, and they are few, have seemed to have this strong desire to FIX me and give me unwarranted advice. One suggested I go all utilitarian and attend court reporting school, as his ex-wife had. I mean, seriously. I can't see a 26 year old even daring to suggest how I should go about my academic pursuits.

By day two on eHarmony, I noticed that some of my matches had "closed" me out with the reason chosen that I had no profile pic. So I added one, just to avoid being dumped for that dumb reason.

The next morning, after I had cleared out a few more matches, I noticed that I had a new match who had already closed ME. Huh, really? So I checked out his profile, as a non-paying subscriber, I cannot view his photo, but I quickly recognized him as McNothing who I met for coffee back in September! His profile sounded like all of his long emails, his facts and physical description matched, and obviously, his first name, age and occupation gave it away. It was definitely McNothing. I had to laugh. I knew we had similar personalities, but eHarmony matching me with him within my first 15-20 matches in such a large city is a bit of a coincidence!

I can't believe he didn't even say hi. Just closed for reason, "other." I guess we aren't friends!

Needless to say, getting "closed" by strangers AND people I know is just more than I am equipped for at this point. I don't like that I can't just browse people, and go with intuition and that gut feeling rather than let a computer system decide that I really want a vertically challenged blue collar type. Plus eHarmony is too expensive. I have to admit I am a bit bummed that I couldn't reach out to the 30 yr old vegan teacher. And another guy who was in his early 30's gave me an "interested" status, but as a non-paying member, I couldn't respond. So I just cancelled the thing completely.

Bottom line, eHarmony is a good effort, but misses the mark in my opinion. Who says I want someone who is just like me anyway! McNothing was a LOT like me, and while I felt drawn to him in a strong way, there was also something annoyingly familiar about him, like a brother! Almost like we spoke the same language a bit too well. I was totally on to him, and that made him both vulnerable to me, as he spilled his guts about his wife's total betrayal, and then he felt uncomfortable. So it was ruined, all because he's just a bit too much like me.

Thoughts must be avoided

I don't know who I am anymore. Does it matter that this is so? Who are we? Are we what we think we are? Do thoughts dictate what we are? Thoughts are just the ego, right (Eckhart Tolle...)? Are we what others think we are? Who actually knows with 100% certainty what we are and what we will become (who being humans, not God)? I am thinking I should just stop trying to define myself with thoughts and words and start selling doubt. It's a whole lot more believable.

Alas, I cannot think anyway. Whenever I think, I weep. When I think, I still cannot accept that this has happened to me and I am weakened with humility and self pity. There are no reasons for what has been done with me, for the words that have been spoken to me, the deeds, the near complete denial of my self to be good enough as just what I am. Which is what, again? I know I didn't deserve it, but yet it was done and I am not foolish enough to pretend that I am unaffected. I am not even sure what "coping well" really means. Relative to what?

I wept every day from about mid-November 2008 through January of this year. And somehow, I must have adapted to the pain, because it simply doesn't bring me to tears so often anymore. News that would have devastated me months ago, now brings a quiet sigh and a nod and sometimes the word or thought, "again."

So is it any wonder that I procrastinate? It's self-preservation, an unhealthy (or neccessary?) coping mechanism that I feel particularly powerless to. This destructive wishing that someone else will come in and just take care of everything, as I clearly haven't been capable. I desperately wish to ask for help, but when help arrives, I have nothing to suggest.

Friends have called me strong and have uttered tremendously kind words to me. And I have been strong in their eyes, I suppose, because I have been as honest as possible and I have held together my sanity. For me, I believe the alternative "sucking it up" would be harder for me. And truth be told, I know that putting off the inevitable has been what's behind my calm demeanor. My friends don't understand how I am doing this. And I don't understand how to do this any other way. And what am I doing anyway? So much of it isn't dictated by anyone but ourselves and somehow I think I was expecting a divorce decree to magically become my new manager, trainer and orientation package. Like a software program instantly downloaded in my brain and set to run.

So thinking is out. For now. It spirals out of control if I let it. I need only attach invasive thoughts of my regret over my father, my children's future, the stupid economy (@#$%!), my college endeavor, my vices, my scattered mind, etc. etc. and any momentum I was feeling is sucked right back out of me and I am promptly returned to my frozen pond like the lost ugly duckling before the self-absorbed farmer plucks her out.

(and then she starts writing and that plan for an early bedtime tonight is shot)

Spiritually, being removed from the frozen pond seems like it has happened several times over already, yet I am not yet performing on that stage and I am still a bit too close to that stupid pond. I hope my readers are familiar with the ugly duckling story...what happens with the duckling is that after she flees her duck family, she is alone in the winter and finds herself stuck in a frozen pond and about to just give up. The freeze is representative of that point in life when you just don't know what to do next! Then the farmer rescues her from the pond is only doing so because a duck could be useful at his farm. He is only offering her a temporary home, among hens and a cat, and the duckling figures out that while it is certainly better than her cruel duck family and better than freezing to death in the pond, the farm is not actually where she belongs either. Because she is not a duck. The farmer simply represents the people or things we might hang out with while we are figuring out what to do next, but not the ducklings "true kind."

I hope that made sense. I just love that story. It's very very old and when told properly, is so wise and offers hope, especially for those of us who have always felt at odds with the world. The duckling, as we all know, eventually finds her kind, after she has regained some of her senses while living on the farm. (thank you Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes).

Have I mentioned that I prefer a stream of consciousness writing style? I think I will stop here.

:)

The Male Brain to be released October 2009!

Finally, for all of our edification, the follow up to The Female Brain. I can't imagine that The Male Brain will be nearly as fascinating as the aforementioned, but as a mother of two young boys, I absolutely cannot wait to read this book. I suppose a little insight on men's brains in general couldn't hurt me in the interests of romance (yuk, did I just say that?), but it was after reading The Female Brain that I promptly decided to avoid analyzing men and just accept/love the differences between our thought processes or if at all, to FORGET about expecting men to see things my way. If I do feel the need to understand, I always attempt to look at things in simpler terms. It's made me very tolerant of behavior that would have repulsed me in the past.

facebook delete. LOL

I was looking on facebook tonight and I noticed in the newsfeed that my kids former caregiver and good friend, D, had posted a comment on a picture of a little girl, I will call her Marlo, that D used to watch during the weekdays. I knew this little girl when she was only 8 weeks old. She was a beautiful little baby, I used to hold her when I came to pick up Beeb. My son only went to D's house part time, so I would pick him up in the afternoons and would typically hang out and talk with D for a few minutes and give lots of attention to Marlo. I only met Marlo's mother a few times, since we dropped off and picked up our kids at different times, but I didn't think she was very friendly, rather a harsh tomboyish type who is probably only friends with guys (but sometimes our perceptions are wrong, as mentioned in my previous post).

Anyway, I am NOT friends on facebook with Marlo's mother. Fast forward to last year, I also realized that Marlo's mother is very good friends with Ta Ta, so beyond obvious that I am not her friend in any respect. However, Marlo's mother does have a public facebook profile and she is facebook friends with D (BTW, D hates Ta Ta and knows this whole story), so I looked at the pictures of her daughter and just marveled at how much she's grown... And then I looked at Marlo's moms other pics. I wasn't expecting to find anything weird and I hadn't looked at any of her pics before, but coincidentally, just days ago she posted pics from a "ski trip" in January.

Hmm. DH went on a ski trip in January that my mind had questioned. I even recall that during that 4 days, on the cell phone records, his calls to Ta Ta had ceased. I clearly remember thinking that was highly suspicious, but I had other things on my mind and busting DH for his time with Ta Ta wasn't my top priority. He had told me he went on this trip with his guy friends, ones who I don't know well, so I wouldn't have been able to verify. Nor did I care to verify. I wasn't really sweating it, we were not together, so why would I think or care if he was lying. But my heart did think he was lying, I did wonder why he was suddenly going on a ski trip when the guy almost never takes vacations for pleasure. But I just didn't question it verbally. We weren't getting along well at the time, we had been seperated for a month, and he was talking about trying to win back his family...that's the problem. He was supposedly 'trying' during or right after this time.

And lo and behold, on Marlo's moms ski trip album on facebook, there was a picture of him at some saloon in New Mexico, sitting beside Ta Ta and another guy. He went on the ski trip with her. Okay. I wasn't happy to find this information and I certainly hadn't meant to snoop. It had never even dawned on me before now that Marlo's moms profile might contain pictures of DH and Ta Ta together. Really. I almost smiled at myself because usually I AM very investigative and how could I have stumbled upon this one so randomly and only days after she posted it? Oh, mysterious forces at work...

So I called DH, he's at work tonight, and asked him very calmly and kindly, why he didn't tell me this, why he went at all, wasn't it enough just to fuck her locally, did he even give it pause when the opportunity came up, etc? I assured him I wasn't mad, though I did assert that it really wasn't cool. I reminded him that I am well aware that he can do whatever he wants and that we are not married anymore and that I wasn't trying to fight. I just wanted to know his motivations behind this, because literally hours before and after he returned from this ski trip, he was with me. He was saying he wanted to change, that he wanted us back, etc. I just wanted to let him know that the additional revelation of untruthfulness hurt my feelings, but that it wasn't as bad as finding out about the affair, yet it still stung a bit, relative to what I already know anyway. And I wanted to just let him know that I knew. And I also know that what I have caught is likely only a fraction of the deception that has truly gone on. I wasn't born yesterday and I have learned to trust myself, with or without substantial evidence. Intuition is all one needs...

He became angry, said numerous irrational things, hung up on me once, I called him back and kindly said why did you hang up? He said he didn't care about me (yeah right), said he wasn't my friend anymore, that I always make him uncomfortable. I told him I wasn't mad and that even though I know he doesn't have to do so, I hoped for our future friendship, he would talk to me about his motivations someday when he is calmer. I reminded him that I am not asking about what he is up to now, but that the ski trip occurred during a time that was fragile and relevant to our marriage, therefore I would hope he would at least acknowledge my pain, I said I really wasn't mad, just a little astounded at all the things I have uncovered in all these months. He was in no mood to talk though, he said he was deleting me from his facebook...even though his individual profile had no link to what I had discovered...because it's just too much trouble. I told him that deleting me would hurt my feelings. He said too bad. I sighed and let him off the phone.

Then he called back 5 minutes later and said he was sorry and that he sent me a friend request again. This is the second time he's deleted me and added me back within two months. The last time was because he had angered himself by finding pics of me sitting next to a guy at a birthday party for my friend at a bar. How dare I? I talked to people at a party who were friends with my friend who was having a birthday party. Oooh, jealous. He added me back on his facebook the next day then too. I am sure it won't be the last time he deletes me. Until then, I hope no facebook friends tag me in pics lap dancing with guys at the party I went to last week!

I feel more sad fascination than I feel hurt at this point. I think this is a VERY good indication that I am really over DH in a romantic sense. Before I called DH, my heart didn't sink, my heartrate was only slightly elevated, and that was only probably in anticipation of DH's awkward anger toward me for pointing out truth. I felt weird, but not heartbreak. This wasn't so surprising, it just another big lie. I have been through worse already, the affair was enough, the verbal abuse was what desensitized me.

I had gazed upon the photo of him next to Ta Ta. Looked at her aged face, only 4 years younger than my own, and I felt a certain level of pity for her. I understand why she got such big fake boobs. She doesn't have much else to work with. She does have pretty big blue eyes. But no intrigue, no sense of wit or style with this sports loving tomboy. She appears utterly vapid and vacant. And even if not for all these things I gathered from her in person and in these photos, I know she fell hard for DH and for that, I pity the foolish girl. I read her disgusting and desperate text messages to DH, I had her pegged. I knew he wouldn't be seeing her long term, this brand of woman never gets the good guy (good based on superficial appearance and relative to what SHE is accustomed to).

Oh Ta Ta. When you met DH and I, and you mentioned to him privately that you were going through a divorce, and he told you that he and I were headed that way...you should have befriended me instead of fucked him. You are a clueless derelict. You obviously need good females around to lift you up, and it would have been a bonus if they were also stylish, self assured, moral, interesting, well read, and into things other than sports and impressing men like a lonely little sister. But instead you are the sort of woman who just fucks another woman's husband and takes his word on all his marriages problems. You are pathetic and soulless. And you are a mother with two daughters to raise. Shame on you, Ta Ta.

I do not feel jealousy or ownership of DH anymore. I still love him, and defining that love is hard, there is no true analogy. But I love him like a family member who has gravely disappointed me. And I still want to be his friend and of course, his facebook friend too. I mean, seriously, deleting me from facebook because he's worried I will know things about him? What does he think I am I going to do with any information I find? Mention something to him? Oh the horror!

I was SHY, but I had a boyfriend

I was the girl in grade school who didn't talk. I went to an affluent private school with about 60 students per class. It wasn't like I could just blend in and nobody would notice, we had all known each other since Kindergarten. The other students did notice my shyness, it was a hot topic and I an easy target. I recall that in about 7th grade, the quintessential class clown started a daily routine of smiling and shouting at me, "shut up Andrea!" or "Don't talk to me, Andrea!!!" as he would pass me in the hall. It was both mortifying and funny, somewhat nice to have the attention, but I still couldn't say anything back to him! The cat had my tongue. I stuck close to my 2 or 3 girl friends who weren't especially popular and I didn't talk to anyone else. Both of my parents were, and still are, shy and socially awkward. So they were no help, I had to teach myself to break the mold.

Somehow, after being flattered and then feeling the ick and immediately breaking up with numerous boys, I got a boyfriend, T who was 14, nearly a year younger than I was. It started off rocky. We were set up by friends and I was not overly impressed by T's appearance or aloof attitude or his reputation as a player. I was dating an adorably insecure 8th grade skater, C, at the time and I really liked him and felt loyal to him. But we hardly saw each other, neither of us could drive anywhere. My friends liked T better and somehow pushed us together one night when I was really drunk. And there I lost my virginity. I felt incredibly guilty, I did NOT want to date T, and was going to tell skater boy C, but T's stupid friends told him first. So he instead of addressing it or getting angry with me, C called me, quietly dumped me and I accepted it. I was resilient more than indignant. I just thought I would give him a few months and then call him and win him back...I could explain how this happened and knew he really liked me and we were better than this stupid mistake I made and friend-meddling nonsense. But then I was grounded all summer for getting caught skipping night school with my mischievious and lawless friends, so I couldn't do anything and for some of the time I was grounded from the phone as well. T didn't call me anyway. He was not about to admit how much he liked me, he was popular with girls (i.e. not what I am usually attracted to) and had some chickenbrained semi-ex girlfriend chasing him like a wild beast ...and I wasn't about to compete for his affection. But I was lonely and bored and it was the end of the summer. So randomly, I just called T one night. And like nothing, seemingly instantly, somehow T became my boyfriend for the next 2.5 years.

T was suddenly crazy in love with me and we saw each other as much as possible for being so young. I started 10th grade with a boyfriend, which was kind of weird because nice and well-mannered preppy boys were finally paying a little more attention to me. T went to a public school on the less affluent side of town. I always told T what was going on, if someone kissed me at a party...I would tell him...that only happened a couple times. I didn't initiate any of it, drunk teenaged boys are well, sometimes aggressive! I learned really early that drinking and going to parties without the significant other can do a lot of damage to a relationship. I quit doing that and so did T, we hung out with mutual friends when we partied. T stayed with me and trusted completely, as he should, and by the time I could drive, our lives revolved around each other. He knew me and I knew him and he wasn't afraid to tell me how he felt.

Looking back now, I think that his vulnerability at such a young age is so endearing! I know men who are 40 who are unable to articulate their feelings so well. T was barely 16.

Having a boyfriend throughout the majority of high school instead of a social life with single teenaged friends was definitely an education to me. Having to "go there" and have difficult conversations, deal with responsibility to each other, respect and listen and all of that. I had that down before I was even 17, I was still shy and hadn't beaten social awkwardness, but I had a deeper skill of close communication and trust building. It was a good relationship for the most part, he was somewhat possessive and jealous, but he rarely had reason to be because I was very loyal and I would tell him everything, even if he didn't like to hear that someone had shown interest in me. He did get angry at me sometimes for minor disagreements...but tolerably so, nothing relative to DH.

T and I just grew apart, he was satisfied with a lot less than I wanted and he wasn't growing up with me and we fought about it. He also started hanging out with a bad crowd. And when things were on the downslope, he did cheat on me and forget to tell me about it for 3 months, which drove a huge wedge between us. I was shattered for a while and he was so attentive and apologetic while he was afraid I would leave, but I slowly grew to resent him for all the other life choices as well. So I finally broke up with him in the Spring of my senior year just as soon as the first cute boy showed interest in me. T didn't take it well. He cried for weeks, literally. He started off angry and mean, and I would let him vent to me, but he sank into depression that lasted a long time, his mother told me he wasn't even eating! He dated other girls immediately, not even half as attractive or as sharp as I was, not that I would have been jealous anyway. And of course, they weren't cute, so they loved him even with his lackings...and he needed that. But it wasn't enough, he was still trying to get me back during weak moments. And sometimes I would agree to it. Only to end it again 2 weeks later. It was just done. I remember the last time we hung out too. It was nice, but I didn't feel attached. I was laughing at him for trying so hard to be distant with me. I decided that even though he had ultimately betrayed me in the relationship and bailed on me before I finally ended it with definitiveness, it was cruel to hang out with him any longer as "friends" because it was obviously giving him hope and he wasn't seeing the fun in my comfortable flirtations anymore. He called from time to time, usually when in between girlfriends, just to catch up. Each time I would smile and think how far I had come, and yet how much I had learned from having a real relationship so early in adult life. It definitely gave me an advantage, an innate knowledge of what I will tolerate, how to love another person, how I should behave, how to be open and respectful, what is acceptable to me and what isn't.

And my marriage with DH was over 3x longer than this relationship with T...and yet all kinds of parallels. Even now... as I come to the phase that begins with deciding it was cruel...

~peace


:-)

Telogen Effluvium

Hair loss due to stress. Ahh, yes. Now I not only have to feel shattered, but I have to show it too!

I thought I noticed that my hair was looking flatter and thinner than it should. Then I began noticing more hairs coming out into my hands and hairbrush in recent weeks.

Finally I did an internet search and I figured out that it must be Telogen Effluvium. It's a type of hair loss that is temporary, often caused by stress, particularly due to a trauma or sudden anxiety. It shows it's effects in the weeks after the trauma occurred. The follicles went into some sort of resting period during the difficult times, then they go back to normal.

Well beyond obviously, that would have been be the whole Winter season for me. And now it's Spring and I have thinning hair. I am just hoping that the resting period for my follicles is over and that new growth is happening!

It really sucks that this stupid divorce is leaving behind a physical indication. I welcomed the weight loss (around 7 lbs), but I also feel like I look a couple years older than I did in the Fall. I still don't get enough sleep or drink enough water either. So as I speak, I am on my way to the kitchen to fill up a cup of filtered water.

Yard sale

I am planning to participate, casually, in my community's yard sale later next month. I have tons of baby toys and gear to get rid of, the majority of my own items have already been cleared from the home via donation.

I informed soon-to-be ex DH of this plan and gave him the option to help out, since I will have the boys this day and the oldest has a soccer game later anyway. It's his stuff too and I didn't want to just do this behind his back...deep down, I really don't want him to be a part of this, but he is good for help with lifting and moving things, and watching his kids, and selling too. He agreed and sounded enthusiastic.

I have plans with my friend "Yergie" the Friday night before. We are attending a concert that was planned far before I knew the date of the community yard sale. So since she had previously offered to help me whenever I chose to do a yard sale, I suggested that she just stay the night at my house and we do it together the next day. I am really good at watching my alcohol intake when I know I have plans in the morning. My max drinks will be two, I drink plenty of lemon water, take vitamins with an extra C, and eat properly.

When I told DH of this concert plan, he freaked out! He laughed at me rudely and claimed there was no way I would be able to run a yard sale after a night of "partying." I said, whatever you think, but I am going to this concert and the next morning might not be the best yard sale ever, but I am participating anyway. He questioned our ability to run an efficient sale, told me I didn't know anything about what I was getting into, said I wasn't a good sales person (so?), told me he didn't trust my friend who I have only known for three months helping to sell "his stuff," and insisted that I had disrespected him somehow by asking someone besides him to help me. I held my ground, said that his help would be appreciated, but that this is my sale and if I choose to do it casually, I will. I also reminded him that if I wanted to just haul all of this stuff to the charitable resale shop down the street, that I could have already done that, it certainly would have been easier, but we have an opportunity to get a little cash for our stuff. He is not invited over here to be the dictator of my yard sale. I told him that while his help and suggestions would have been nice, that he is riding "back seat" or he isn't welcome. I told him if there is anything he doesn't want me to sell, he is encouraged to either label it "no sell" or pack it up and take it OUT of the house before my sale. We've been separated since November, I could have sold a ton of stuff by now and he never even would have noticed. This is so obviously about control, not about his sentimental attachment to our children's toys and furniture! He told me angrily that he would not be helping with the sale (fine by me!) and began to give me the silent treatment, played with the boys before their bedtime, and left.

He called the next morning from work to apologize and offer his help once again. He said sometimes he just needs time to think rationally. I said, as I often do, I wish you could just start off with calm instead of rage. He agreed. I am still nervous about the yard sale and how he will behave, but we gotta get through this.

Hooking up need not be so complicated!

I believe it is common knowledge that men are more visually stimulated than women. This woman is okay with that difference between us. I will play that game and speak that language because well, thanks to genetics and a taste for pretty clothing, I can do this almost effortlessly. [I do wonder how this will work as my body ages, but let's table that for now].

I am okay with the fact that men are probably not interested in me for conversation, really, this is fine. But my brain, and the majority of other womens brains from the brightest to the dimmest, are wired to be more stimulated by conversation than by appearance alone. Over tens of thousands of years, we women have to pick and choose mens genes for more than a pretty face, we need a bold and smart man who can protect us and our offspring. Confidence goes a long way, right? That's why! We didn't suddenly re-wire our brains in the last century. A century is next to nothing to our hard wired need to procreate. What the hell do we think romance is anyway? So since I know this and also because I have sons and have learned to adore the differences between the female and male brains, I can accept that men might not truly be interested in me romantically for my viewpoints about global human rights, my fascination with historical and sexual anthropology, political philosophy (not daily political news clips), Jungian psychology, and alternative medicine. But I cannot accept that they don't at least pretend to be intrigued! Of course, it would be marvelous if they were interested in the same things, but my chances of hooking up would be severely diminished if I were truly so selective!

You see, how am I supposed to be stimulated at all unless a man at least plays along and acts interested? That's what they call "game" and the game of picking up a woman is very real, it's mostly a natural response in conversation between the sexes, it's not neccessarily sleaze every time.

Obviously, it's better if he really IS interested and is attempting to listen (I say attempting because studies have indicated that men really sometimes tune out a woman's voice if she doesn't get to the point quickly enough), even if he doesn't share my views, because that's genuine conversational effort! But when you get to the bottom line, our sexual attraction to each other, that so-called spark is what matters, the nuance in facial expressions, our mirrored body language, our softened voices, etc. I actually don't care if we have oppositional views! Just be attuned!

It's the game of appearing interested that matters. Whether my interests are in line with the average American male (like say, ESPN) or whether I am interested only in the more traditionally female interests, like fashion, pop culture and gossip (it's true I am interested in these too), men just have to play along...tell me again how beautiful I am...and if I was already attracted to you physically (and pay close attention to my signals because I am usually not!), I will just melt. It's that easy. Act like you are falling in love with me (act...meaning just allow yourself to do so, don't be chicken) and then we will probably have a good chance of sleeping together, as long as you don't act too desperate.

Simple! At least to a female brain. Oh women: we know and they know, we know they know, but they don't know we know that they know.