Took the bait

DH called today and asked if he could switch a weekend with me because, just like nearly every weekend, he was invited to something cool to do. Have I mentioned that DH is a local and happens to be extremely magnetic and charming? He has three very layered and strong networks of friends. His high school friends who for the most part were also members of the fraternity he joined later. He was ridiculously popular on campus, homecoming king even, and also became great friends after college with a group of guys who were in a rival fraternity. Then there are the random single guys who he met in large part through his gym and bar hopping. Each group loosely know each other, but they socialize seperately. The high school friends are low key and married with kids for the most part, but they host numerous parties and cookouts in the suburbs. The post college buddies are for the most part single and almost none of them have children, the men generally drink very heavily and go to sports bars. The random single guys were ones who I actually had been running into for quite a while before I met DH, but they had become his main running buddies when DH and I were dating.

My point is, DH always has something social to do. I don't. I plan ahead and invite friends to do things with me over a week ahead of time so that I am not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I only have a few local friends who are even available to go places with me, I adore my married friends, but honestly, they are for the most part, DH's friends in reality and it's not like I really want to be a third wheel on their movie nights, know what I mean?

I told DH I wasn't sure if I was ready to commit to switch weekends, NOT out of vindictiveness, just because I had already told a few friends I was available that weekend and wanted to keep it free for a little bit longer. He snapped back, "well, whatever A...I won't ask you anymore!!" I was in no mood for this so I essentially told him to can it and stop giving me attitude. Numerous times I remember telling him, "it's not personal, I just don't know yet?" I have already accomodated his social schedule a couple of times, of which I reminded him, and he naturally responded with his usual tirade of how I need to remember that I am only living in the house beccause he's letting me, that he is still paying all the bills, that if it were up to him, I would give the boys to him and just move back home with my mom! Of course, it's an idle threat, but I took the bait and started shouting at him. I was on the defense, after all, all extra sensitive and battle ready, I clearly picked up on his nuanced threat to pull the rug out from underneath me. He won't do it, and I know this, so I should have just sighed and told him bye for now...but I didn't. I kept telling him off and defending my "indecision" about switching weekends because I wasn't sure if it was to my benefit yet.

I am not sure all of what was said, but somehow he ended up calling me stupid, a nag, stubborn, that I couldn't see that "1 + 1 = 2, not 3." <---not sure wtf he was talking about there, but he was basically telling me that I was imagining that he was giving me bad attitude. Which is absurd of course, he was denying that he had even insulted me. I was calling him out...assertively at first, but then I went ahead and took it to crazy angry just-listen-to-me..... I know better than this, I don't know why I didn't stop myself.

We did make up of course, because later by phone, he sort of apologized and had calmed down. Now saying that he would figure out the arrangements for the boys himself and that he really didn't need to go to the party anyway. I don't care if he goes to the party, of course, I was simply looking forward to having TWO weekends to myself in a row. If he does choose to go to the party anyway, though, I will probably ask him to just bring the boys to me anyway.

So all that fighting for no reason. I have done well in the past several months, so I don't know what triggered me to take the bait this time. Must remember to politely disengage when DH gets heated. The fight sucked the energy out of me and even though I wasn't consciously thinking about it later, I didn't sleep well at all.

quick update

Not doing so well mentally. I am generally happy, but super stressed even though I seem to not be getting anything accomplished.

The boys were out of their 5 hour Parent's Day Out program thanks to our local independent school district closing due to swine flu. Apparently one person in our county had been diagnosed with swine flu, although I am skeptical. See http://www.thedoctorwithin.com/swine/swine-flu.php to find out where my skepticism was born. That site has been in my favorites for 9 years. All began when I started talking to fellow female melasma sufferers in an online forum, that lead to an interest in holistic medicine, which was only exaggerated when I learned that my sister had a chronic kidney stone disease and my best friend was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

Ah, this was supposed to be a quick update. So anyway, the boys being out of school threw me off, plus I have them for three weekends in a row due to some rearranging of soon-to-be-ex DH's schedule. Since DH has already had two out of town trips in May and because he still lives an hour away at his parent's house anyway, he isn't able to relieve me from the children overnight on a weekday. So there's the fact that I have been with my sons 24/7 since April 19th. Other than essentially 10 hours of Parent's Day Out and one Saturday night when I hired a babysitter so I could go into the city for drinks with a girlfriend for the first time in over a month.

I am thinking about saying something to someone I might be interested in. I love trouble, I'm not scared and I never chase men. I have a feeling this one might hurt short time, with long term potential. Or maybe not. Then as has happened before with others, by the time they are ready to admit their admiration, I have moved on to someone else. Indeed, worth a shot.

...and a swing and a miss!