facebook delete. LOL

I was looking on facebook tonight and I noticed in the newsfeed that my kids former caregiver and good friend, D, had posted a comment on a picture of a little girl, I will call her Marlo, that D used to watch during the weekdays. I knew this little girl when she was only 8 weeks old. She was a beautiful little baby, I used to hold her when I came to pick up Beeb. My son only went to D's house part time, so I would pick him up in the afternoons and would typically hang out and talk with D for a few minutes and give lots of attention to Marlo. I only met Marlo's mother a few times, since we dropped off and picked up our kids at different times, but I didn't think she was very friendly, rather a harsh tomboyish type who is probably only friends with guys (but sometimes our perceptions are wrong, as mentioned in my previous post).

Anyway, I am NOT friends on facebook with Marlo's mother. Fast forward to last year, I also realized that Marlo's mother is very good friends with Ta Ta, so beyond obvious that I am not her friend in any respect. However, Marlo's mother does have a public facebook profile and she is facebook friends with D (BTW, D hates Ta Ta and knows this whole story), so I looked at the pictures of her daughter and just marveled at how much she's grown... And then I looked at Marlo's moms other pics. I wasn't expecting to find anything weird and I hadn't looked at any of her pics before, but coincidentally, just days ago she posted pics from a "ski trip" in January.

Hmm. DH went on a ski trip in January that my mind had questioned. I even recall that during that 4 days, on the cell phone records, his calls to Ta Ta had ceased. I clearly remember thinking that was highly suspicious, but I had other things on my mind and busting DH for his time with Ta Ta wasn't my top priority. He had told me he went on this trip with his guy friends, ones who I don't know well, so I wouldn't have been able to verify. Nor did I care to verify. I wasn't really sweating it, we were not together, so why would I think or care if he was lying. But my heart did think he was lying, I did wonder why he was suddenly going on a ski trip when the guy almost never takes vacations for pleasure. But I just didn't question it verbally. We weren't getting along well at the time, we had been seperated for a month, and he was talking about trying to win back his family...that's the problem. He was supposedly 'trying' during or right after this time.

And lo and behold, on Marlo's moms ski trip album on facebook, there was a picture of him at some saloon in New Mexico, sitting beside Ta Ta and another guy. He went on the ski trip with her. Okay. I wasn't happy to find this information and I certainly hadn't meant to snoop. It had never even dawned on me before now that Marlo's moms profile might contain pictures of DH and Ta Ta together. Really. I almost smiled at myself because usually I AM very investigative and how could I have stumbled upon this one so randomly and only days after she posted it? Oh, mysterious forces at work...

So I called DH, he's at work tonight, and asked him very calmly and kindly, why he didn't tell me this, why he went at all, wasn't it enough just to fuck her locally, did he even give it pause when the opportunity came up, etc? I assured him I wasn't mad, though I did assert that it really wasn't cool. I reminded him that I am well aware that he can do whatever he wants and that we are not married anymore and that I wasn't trying to fight. I just wanted to know his motivations behind this, because literally hours before and after he returned from this ski trip, he was with me. He was saying he wanted to change, that he wanted us back, etc. I just wanted to let him know that the additional revelation of untruthfulness hurt my feelings, but that it wasn't as bad as finding out about the affair, yet it still stung a bit, relative to what I already know anyway. And I wanted to just let him know that I knew. And I also know that what I have caught is likely only a fraction of the deception that has truly gone on. I wasn't born yesterday and I have learned to trust myself, with or without substantial evidence. Intuition is all one needs...

He became angry, said numerous irrational things, hung up on me once, I called him back and kindly said why did you hang up? He said he didn't care about me (yeah right), said he wasn't my friend anymore, that I always make him uncomfortable. I told him I wasn't mad and that even though I know he doesn't have to do so, I hoped for our future friendship, he would talk to me about his motivations someday when he is calmer. I reminded him that I am not asking about what he is up to now, but that the ski trip occurred during a time that was fragile and relevant to our marriage, therefore I would hope he would at least acknowledge my pain, I said I really wasn't mad, just a little astounded at all the things I have uncovered in all these months. He was in no mood to talk though, he said he was deleting me from his facebook...even though his individual profile had no link to what I had discovered...because it's just too much trouble. I told him that deleting me would hurt my feelings. He said too bad. I sighed and let him off the phone.

Then he called back 5 minutes later and said he was sorry and that he sent me a friend request again. This is the second time he's deleted me and added me back within two months. The last time was because he had angered himself by finding pics of me sitting next to a guy at a birthday party for my friend at a bar. How dare I? I talked to people at a party who were friends with my friend who was having a birthday party. Oooh, jealous. He added me back on his facebook the next day then too. I am sure it won't be the last time he deletes me. Until then, I hope no facebook friends tag me in pics lap dancing with guys at the party I went to last week!

I feel more sad fascination than I feel hurt at this point. I think this is a VERY good indication that I am really over DH in a romantic sense. Before I called DH, my heart didn't sink, my heartrate was only slightly elevated, and that was only probably in anticipation of DH's awkward anger toward me for pointing out truth. I felt weird, but not heartbreak. This wasn't so surprising, it just another big lie. I have been through worse already, the affair was enough, the verbal abuse was what desensitized me.

I had gazed upon the photo of him next to Ta Ta. Looked at her aged face, only 4 years younger than my own, and I felt a certain level of pity for her. I understand why she got such big fake boobs. She doesn't have much else to work with. She does have pretty big blue eyes. But no intrigue, no sense of wit or style with this sports loving tomboy. She appears utterly vapid and vacant. And even if not for all these things I gathered from her in person and in these photos, I know she fell hard for DH and for that, I pity the foolish girl. I read her disgusting and desperate text messages to DH, I had her pegged. I knew he wouldn't be seeing her long term, this brand of woman never gets the good guy (good based on superficial appearance and relative to what SHE is accustomed to).

Oh Ta Ta. When you met DH and I, and you mentioned to him privately that you were going through a divorce, and he told you that he and I were headed that way...you should have befriended me instead of fucked him. You are a clueless derelict. You obviously need good females around to lift you up, and it would have been a bonus if they were also stylish, self assured, moral, interesting, well read, and into things other than sports and impressing men like a lonely little sister. But instead you are the sort of woman who just fucks another woman's husband and takes his word on all his marriages problems. You are pathetic and soulless. And you are a mother with two daughters to raise. Shame on you, Ta Ta.

I do not feel jealousy or ownership of DH anymore. I still love him, and defining that love is hard, there is no true analogy. But I love him like a family member who has gravely disappointed me. And I still want to be his friend and of course, his facebook friend too. I mean, seriously, deleting me from facebook because he's worried I will know things about him? What does he think I am I going to do with any information I find? Mention something to him? Oh the horror!

I was SHY, but I had a boyfriend

I was the girl in grade school who didn't talk. I went to an affluent private school with about 60 students per class. It wasn't like I could just blend in and nobody would notice, we had all known each other since Kindergarten. The other students did notice my shyness, it was a hot topic and I an easy target. I recall that in about 7th grade, the quintessential class clown started a daily routine of smiling and shouting at me, "shut up Andrea!" or "Don't talk to me, Andrea!!!" as he would pass me in the hall. It was both mortifying and funny, somewhat nice to have the attention, but I still couldn't say anything back to him! The cat had my tongue. I stuck close to my 2 or 3 girl friends who weren't especially popular and I didn't talk to anyone else. Both of my parents were, and still are, shy and socially awkward. So they were no help, I had to teach myself to break the mold.

Somehow, after being flattered and then feeling the ick and immediately breaking up with numerous boys, I got a boyfriend, T who was 14, nearly a year younger than I was. It started off rocky. We were set up by friends and I was not overly impressed by T's appearance or aloof attitude or his reputation as a player. I was dating an adorably insecure 8th grade skater, C, at the time and I really liked him and felt loyal to him. But we hardly saw each other, neither of us could drive anywhere. My friends liked T better and somehow pushed us together one night when I was really drunk. And there I lost my virginity. I felt incredibly guilty, I did NOT want to date T, and was going to tell skater boy C, but T's stupid friends told him first. So he instead of addressing it or getting angry with me, C called me, quietly dumped me and I accepted it. I was resilient more than indignant. I just thought I would give him a few months and then call him and win him back...I could explain how this happened and knew he really liked me and we were better than this stupid mistake I made and friend-meddling nonsense. But then I was grounded all summer for getting caught skipping night school with my mischievious and lawless friends, so I couldn't do anything and for some of the time I was grounded from the phone as well. T didn't call me anyway. He was not about to admit how much he liked me, he was popular with girls (i.e. not what I am usually attracted to) and had some chickenbrained semi-ex girlfriend chasing him like a wild beast ...and I wasn't about to compete for his affection. But I was lonely and bored and it was the end of the summer. So randomly, I just called T one night. And like nothing, seemingly instantly, somehow T became my boyfriend for the next 2.5 years.

T was suddenly crazy in love with me and we saw each other as much as possible for being so young. I started 10th grade with a boyfriend, which was kind of weird because nice and well-mannered preppy boys were finally paying a little more attention to me. T went to a public school on the less affluent side of town. I always told T what was going on, if someone kissed me at a party...I would tell him...that only happened a couple times. I didn't initiate any of it, drunk teenaged boys are well, sometimes aggressive! I learned really early that drinking and going to parties without the significant other can do a lot of damage to a relationship. I quit doing that and so did T, we hung out with mutual friends when we partied. T stayed with me and trusted completely, as he should, and by the time I could drive, our lives revolved around each other. He knew me and I knew him and he wasn't afraid to tell me how he felt.

Looking back now, I think that his vulnerability at such a young age is so endearing! I know men who are 40 who are unable to articulate their feelings so well. T was barely 16.

Having a boyfriend throughout the majority of high school instead of a social life with single teenaged friends was definitely an education to me. Having to "go there" and have difficult conversations, deal with responsibility to each other, respect and listen and all of that. I had that down before I was even 17, I was still shy and hadn't beaten social awkwardness, but I had a deeper skill of close communication and trust building. It was a good relationship for the most part, he was somewhat possessive and jealous, but he rarely had reason to be because I was very loyal and I would tell him everything, even if he didn't like to hear that someone had shown interest in me. He did get angry at me sometimes for minor disagreements...but tolerably so, nothing relative to DH.

T and I just grew apart, he was satisfied with a lot less than I wanted and he wasn't growing up with me and we fought about it. He also started hanging out with a bad crowd. And when things were on the downslope, he did cheat on me and forget to tell me about it for 3 months, which drove a huge wedge between us. I was shattered for a while and he was so attentive and apologetic while he was afraid I would leave, but I slowly grew to resent him for all the other life choices as well. So I finally broke up with him in the Spring of my senior year just as soon as the first cute boy showed interest in me. T didn't take it well. He cried for weeks, literally. He started off angry and mean, and I would let him vent to me, but he sank into depression that lasted a long time, his mother told me he wasn't even eating! He dated other girls immediately, not even half as attractive or as sharp as I was, not that I would have been jealous anyway. And of course, they weren't cute, so they loved him even with his lackings...and he needed that. But it wasn't enough, he was still trying to get me back during weak moments. And sometimes I would agree to it. Only to end it again 2 weeks later. It was just done. I remember the last time we hung out too. It was nice, but I didn't feel attached. I was laughing at him for trying so hard to be distant with me. I decided that even though he had ultimately betrayed me in the relationship and bailed on me before I finally ended it with definitiveness, it was cruel to hang out with him any longer as "friends" because it was obviously giving him hope and he wasn't seeing the fun in my comfortable flirtations anymore. He called from time to time, usually when in between girlfriends, just to catch up. Each time I would smile and think how far I had come, and yet how much I had learned from having a real relationship so early in adult life. It definitely gave me an advantage, an innate knowledge of what I will tolerate, how to love another person, how I should behave, how to be open and respectful, what is acceptable to me and what isn't.

And my marriage with DH was over 3x longer than this relationship with T...and yet all kinds of parallels. Even now... as I come to the phase that begins with deciding it was cruel...

~peace


:-)

Telogen Effluvium

Hair loss due to stress. Ahh, yes. Now I not only have to feel shattered, but I have to show it too!

I thought I noticed that my hair was looking flatter and thinner than it should. Then I began noticing more hairs coming out into my hands and hairbrush in recent weeks.

Finally I did an internet search and I figured out that it must be Telogen Effluvium. It's a type of hair loss that is temporary, often caused by stress, particularly due to a trauma or sudden anxiety. It shows it's effects in the weeks after the trauma occurred. The follicles went into some sort of resting period during the difficult times, then they go back to normal.

Well beyond obviously, that would have been be the whole Winter season for me. And now it's Spring and I have thinning hair. I am just hoping that the resting period for my follicles is over and that new growth is happening!

It really sucks that this stupid divorce is leaving behind a physical indication. I welcomed the weight loss (around 7 lbs), but I also feel like I look a couple years older than I did in the Fall. I still don't get enough sleep or drink enough water either. So as I speak, I am on my way to the kitchen to fill up a cup of filtered water.

Yard sale

I am planning to participate, casually, in my community's yard sale later next month. I have tons of baby toys and gear to get rid of, the majority of my own items have already been cleared from the home via donation.

I informed soon-to-be ex DH of this plan and gave him the option to help out, since I will have the boys this day and the oldest has a soccer game later anyway. It's his stuff too and I didn't want to just do this behind his back...deep down, I really don't want him to be a part of this, but he is good for help with lifting and moving things, and watching his kids, and selling too. He agreed and sounded enthusiastic.

I have plans with my friend "Yergie" the Friday night before. We are attending a concert that was planned far before I knew the date of the community yard sale. So since she had previously offered to help me whenever I chose to do a yard sale, I suggested that she just stay the night at my house and we do it together the next day. I am really good at watching my alcohol intake when I know I have plans in the morning. My max drinks will be two, I drink plenty of lemon water, take vitamins with an extra C, and eat properly.

When I told DH of this concert plan, he freaked out! He laughed at me rudely and claimed there was no way I would be able to run a yard sale after a night of "partying." I said, whatever you think, but I am going to this concert and the next morning might not be the best yard sale ever, but I am participating anyway. He questioned our ability to run an efficient sale, told me I didn't know anything about what I was getting into, said I wasn't a good sales person (so?), told me he didn't trust my friend who I have only known for three months helping to sell "his stuff," and insisted that I had disrespected him somehow by asking someone besides him to help me. I held my ground, said that his help would be appreciated, but that this is my sale and if I choose to do it casually, I will. I also reminded him that if I wanted to just haul all of this stuff to the charitable resale shop down the street, that I could have already done that, it certainly would have been easier, but we have an opportunity to get a little cash for our stuff. He is not invited over here to be the dictator of my yard sale. I told him that while his help and suggestions would have been nice, that he is riding "back seat" or he isn't welcome. I told him if there is anything he doesn't want me to sell, he is encouraged to either label it "no sell" or pack it up and take it OUT of the house before my sale. We've been separated since November, I could have sold a ton of stuff by now and he never even would have noticed. This is so obviously about control, not about his sentimental attachment to our children's toys and furniture! He told me angrily that he would not be helping with the sale (fine by me!) and began to give me the silent treatment, played with the boys before their bedtime, and left.

He called the next morning from work to apologize and offer his help once again. He said sometimes he just needs time to think rationally. I said, as I often do, I wish you could just start off with calm instead of rage. He agreed. I am still nervous about the yard sale and how he will behave, but we gotta get through this.

Hooking up need not be so complicated!

I believe it is common knowledge that men are more visually stimulated than women. This woman is okay with that difference between us. I will play that game and speak that language because well, thanks to genetics and a taste for pretty clothing, I can do this almost effortlessly. [I do wonder how this will work as my body ages, but let's table that for now].

I am okay with the fact that men are probably not interested in me for conversation, really, this is fine. But my brain, and the majority of other womens brains from the brightest to the dimmest, are wired to be more stimulated by conversation than by appearance alone. Over tens of thousands of years, we women have to pick and choose mens genes for more than a pretty face, we need a bold and smart man who can protect us and our offspring. Confidence goes a long way, right? That's why! We didn't suddenly re-wire our brains in the last century. A century is next to nothing to our hard wired need to procreate. What the hell do we think romance is anyway? So since I know this and also because I have sons and have learned to adore the differences between the female and male brains, I can accept that men might not truly be interested in me romantically for my viewpoints about global human rights, my fascination with historical and sexual anthropology, political philosophy (not daily political news clips), Jungian psychology, and alternative medicine. But I cannot accept that they don't at least pretend to be intrigued! Of course, it would be marvelous if they were interested in the same things, but my chances of hooking up would be severely diminished if I were truly so selective!

You see, how am I supposed to be stimulated at all unless a man at least plays along and acts interested? That's what they call "game" and the game of picking up a woman is very real, it's mostly a natural response in conversation between the sexes, it's not neccessarily sleaze every time.

Obviously, it's better if he really IS interested and is attempting to listen (I say attempting because studies have indicated that men really sometimes tune out a woman's voice if she doesn't get to the point quickly enough), even if he doesn't share my views, because that's genuine conversational effort! But when you get to the bottom line, our sexual attraction to each other, that so-called spark is what matters, the nuance in facial expressions, our mirrored body language, our softened voices, etc. I actually don't care if we have oppositional views! Just be attuned!

It's the game of appearing interested that matters. Whether my interests are in line with the average American male (like say, ESPN) or whether I am interested only in the more traditionally female interests, like fashion, pop culture and gossip (it's true I am interested in these too), men just have to play along...tell me again how beautiful I am...and if I was already attracted to you physically (and pay close attention to my signals because I am usually not!), I will just melt. It's that easy. Act like you are falling in love with me (act...meaning just allow yourself to do so, don't be chicken) and then we will probably have a good chance of sleeping together, as long as you don't act too desperate.

Simple! At least to a female brain. Oh women: we know and they know, we know they know, but they don't know we know that they know.