facebook delete. LOL

I was looking on facebook tonight and I noticed in the newsfeed that my kids former caregiver and good friend, D, had posted a comment on a picture of a little girl, I will call her Marlo, that D used to watch during the weekdays. I knew this little girl when she was only 8 weeks old. She was a beautiful little baby, I used to hold her when I came to pick up Beeb. My son only went to D's house part time, so I would pick him up in the afternoons and would typically hang out and talk with D for a few minutes and give lots of attention to Marlo. I only met Marlo's mother a few times, since we dropped off and picked up our kids at different times, but I didn't think she was very friendly, rather a harsh tomboyish type who is probably only friends with guys (but sometimes our perceptions are wrong, as mentioned in my previous post).

Anyway, I am NOT friends on facebook with Marlo's mother. Fast forward to last year, I also realized that Marlo's mother is very good friends with Ta Ta, so beyond obvious that I am not her friend in any respect. However, Marlo's mother does have a public facebook profile and she is facebook friends with D (BTW, D hates Ta Ta and knows this whole story), so I looked at the pictures of her daughter and just marveled at how much she's grown... And then I looked at Marlo's moms other pics. I wasn't expecting to find anything weird and I hadn't looked at any of her pics before, but coincidentally, just days ago she posted pics from a "ski trip" in January.

Hmm. DH went on a ski trip in January that my mind had questioned. I even recall that during that 4 days, on the cell phone records, his calls to Ta Ta had ceased. I clearly remember thinking that was highly suspicious, but I had other things on my mind and busting DH for his time with Ta Ta wasn't my top priority. He had told me he went on this trip with his guy friends, ones who I don't know well, so I wouldn't have been able to verify. Nor did I care to verify. I wasn't really sweating it, we were not together, so why would I think or care if he was lying. But my heart did think he was lying, I did wonder why he was suddenly going on a ski trip when the guy almost never takes vacations for pleasure. But I just didn't question it verbally. We weren't getting along well at the time, we had been seperated for a month, and he was talking about trying to win back his family...that's the problem. He was supposedly 'trying' during or right after this time.

And lo and behold, on Marlo's moms ski trip album on facebook, there was a picture of him at some saloon in New Mexico, sitting beside Ta Ta and another guy. He went on the ski trip with her. Okay. I wasn't happy to find this information and I certainly hadn't meant to snoop. It had never even dawned on me before now that Marlo's moms profile might contain pictures of DH and Ta Ta together. Really. I almost smiled at myself because usually I AM very investigative and how could I have stumbled upon this one so randomly and only days after she posted it? Oh, mysterious forces at work...

So I called DH, he's at work tonight, and asked him very calmly and kindly, why he didn't tell me this, why he went at all, wasn't it enough just to fuck her locally, did he even give it pause when the opportunity came up, etc? I assured him I wasn't mad, though I did assert that it really wasn't cool. I reminded him that I am well aware that he can do whatever he wants and that we are not married anymore and that I wasn't trying to fight. I just wanted to know his motivations behind this, because literally hours before and after he returned from this ski trip, he was with me. He was saying he wanted to change, that he wanted us back, etc. I just wanted to let him know that the additional revelation of untruthfulness hurt my feelings, but that it wasn't as bad as finding out about the affair, yet it still stung a bit, relative to what I already know anyway. And I wanted to just let him know that I knew. And I also know that what I have caught is likely only a fraction of the deception that has truly gone on. I wasn't born yesterday and I have learned to trust myself, with or without substantial evidence. Intuition is all one needs...

He became angry, said numerous irrational things, hung up on me once, I called him back and kindly said why did you hang up? He said he didn't care about me (yeah right), said he wasn't my friend anymore, that I always make him uncomfortable. I told him I wasn't mad and that even though I know he doesn't have to do so, I hoped for our future friendship, he would talk to me about his motivations someday when he is calmer. I reminded him that I am not asking about what he is up to now, but that the ski trip occurred during a time that was fragile and relevant to our marriage, therefore I would hope he would at least acknowledge my pain, I said I really wasn't mad, just a little astounded at all the things I have uncovered in all these months. He was in no mood to talk though, he said he was deleting me from his facebook...even though his individual profile had no link to what I had discovered...because it's just too much trouble. I told him that deleting me would hurt my feelings. He said too bad. I sighed and let him off the phone.

Then he called back 5 minutes later and said he was sorry and that he sent me a friend request again. This is the second time he's deleted me and added me back within two months. The last time was because he had angered himself by finding pics of me sitting next to a guy at a birthday party for my friend at a bar. How dare I? I talked to people at a party who were friends with my friend who was having a birthday party. Oooh, jealous. He added me back on his facebook the next day then too. I am sure it won't be the last time he deletes me. Until then, I hope no facebook friends tag me in pics lap dancing with guys at the party I went to last week!

I feel more sad fascination than I feel hurt at this point. I think this is a VERY good indication that I am really over DH in a romantic sense. Before I called DH, my heart didn't sink, my heartrate was only slightly elevated, and that was only probably in anticipation of DH's awkward anger toward me for pointing out truth. I felt weird, but not heartbreak. This wasn't so surprising, it just another big lie. I have been through worse already, the affair was enough, the verbal abuse was what desensitized me.

I had gazed upon the photo of him next to Ta Ta. Looked at her aged face, only 4 years younger than my own, and I felt a certain level of pity for her. I understand why she got such big fake boobs. She doesn't have much else to work with. She does have pretty big blue eyes. But no intrigue, no sense of wit or style with this sports loving tomboy. She appears utterly vapid and vacant. And even if not for all these things I gathered from her in person and in these photos, I know she fell hard for DH and for that, I pity the foolish girl. I read her disgusting and desperate text messages to DH, I had her pegged. I knew he wouldn't be seeing her long term, this brand of woman never gets the good guy (good based on superficial appearance and relative to what SHE is accustomed to).

Oh Ta Ta. When you met DH and I, and you mentioned to him privately that you were going through a divorce, and he told you that he and I were headed that way...you should have befriended me instead of fucked him. You are a clueless derelict. You obviously need good females around to lift you up, and it would have been a bonus if they were also stylish, self assured, moral, interesting, well read, and into things other than sports and impressing men like a lonely little sister. But instead you are the sort of woman who just fucks another woman's husband and takes his word on all his marriages problems. You are pathetic and soulless. And you are a mother with two daughters to raise. Shame on you, Ta Ta.

I do not feel jealousy or ownership of DH anymore. I still love him, and defining that love is hard, there is no true analogy. But I love him like a family member who has gravely disappointed me. And I still want to be his friend and of course, his facebook friend too. I mean, seriously, deleting me from facebook because he's worried I will know things about him? What does he think I am I going to do with any information I find? Mention something to him? Oh the horror!