return

I'm back to writing. I've really missed this... not the relationship though. I'm so happy to be over a year beyond the initial seperation in '08. Here it is mid-March 2010, just a year ago I was still a stay-at-home mom, I was taking an online class, I was separated, I had gone on one date which was just enough for my dignity at the moment, and I was frantically trying to finesse DH to agree to my (very fair) divorce terms rather than pay an attorney to take us to trial. Even if I was risking my financial security, I was determined to do it with style and class myself, to have said I tried to do it civilly. I was making a calculated bet based on heart and on the man I knew for 9 years, I put myself at his mercy believing that he would humbly recognize the gravity and do what was easiest for him to do. Throughout it all, I constantly told him I was so proud of him for being civil, even though inside I felt raw with knowing that aside from picking apart certain tasks, proud was the polar opposite of the pitiful, dreadful and sad feelings I felt for him. I am so glad I am not wired to be wounded as he. It must hurt to dislike yourself and suppress pain only to inflict it on others. It must come at a great cost and for that I truly feel for him. I do still love him after all.

I was busy and stressed with the kids for no unordinary reasons, I hadn't begun looking for a job and although I had this sense everything would be alright, I was just on the edge of spiralling doubt. And everything DID work out okay.

A year later, I have a job of 6 months that I really enjoy, I've met better men than DH, and some worse, I've made new friends and (involuntarily) rid myself of a couple toxic ones. I have let go of expectations of perfection, yet I won't stand for certain disrespect. I'm *surprise* an adult and I actually feel like this is not a fraudulent statement for once.

I've noticed a change in myself too, maybe this was already there, but the reocognition gradual. I've become an extrovert. Inside, I still feel socially awkward like I was as a child and teen, but somehow I fight through it and I embrace it rather than try to pretend the tendency doesn't exist. And here I am, 34 years old and this is who I am now. I don't think I've been "shy" for over a decade now. Yet somehow it's still how I immediately think of myself and how I initially expect people to see me.

So the blog is public again.

I am no longer concerned if family members should read my words, though I vividly recall the pain I felt when they temporarily vilified me over the summer, prompting me to close off access to this site. If they do remember this site and happen to seek it and read it someday, I can take the heat. I wish they would listen and understand what happened to me, but I am not interested in fighting to have their ears. My divorce has been final for several months and I won't be threatened now that I am ~95% independent. Should they feel any sort of animosity, I can only apologize and assert that I never wanted to hurt anyone and that's not the intent of this blog at all. I love my in-laws forever, I miss them, and that's just that. I feel that they disapprove of me and misunderstand my approach, but that's okay with me, I must shrug and go on.

These aforementioned events I describe here, these emotionally-shattering things, were done to me. No one will ever convince me that I deserved it or that this was some sort of cliche 50/50 situation. I accept that there are probably behaviors I could have tried that might have contained the issues, but well.. that "how-to manual" wasn't handed to me at the wedding chapel. I did my best, I tried to do what I thought was right, I fought for us, I argued fairly, I didn't take easy shots, I was achingly rational-learned behavior, as his anger only increased when I shed tears! And it still didn't stop him. My best did not work. I never hurt him. I never betrayed him. I gave 9 of my best years to him. I gave him beautiful children that have enhanced his life, which in my opinion, was rather meaningless before me. He loved me, yes, but he also hated me. I chose to walk away from both because I could no longer endure the pain of the hate.

And I'm still healing. I still don't know what's right sometimes. I freeze when I don't know what to do next with a man, especially one who is charming... this reminds me of DH. I grow suspicious and I back away, spooked. I don't wish to be fooled again. I'm open and honest about what happened... yet vulnerability is suppressed.

I have to believe that this is all just part of it, and although I am far less frantic on the inside about what the future holds, I wonder if now is all as it must be in order to be ready for whatever is supposed to happen next.

:)

The Neighbor

I've known my neighbor, Mr. Never, since the year DH and I built the house. Mr. and Mrs. Never built their home on the property next door in 2000. When we met them, we were happy to learn that they were close to our age and seemed of like-mind. It didn't take long though for the enchantment to wane, however. They also liked to drink really heavily with some of our other heavy drinking neighbors, and at times, they were all really obnoxious.

Fast forward 9 years, Mr. Never is divorced and still living in the house since DH moved out in 12/08, I occasionally hang out and talk with Mr. Never. He has made it clear he is romantically interested, and I have rebuffed his attempts. He continues to treat me as a friend, and I do enjoy his company as well as the company of our other single neighbors and his friends. He still drinks heavily and behaves obnoxiously. But because I am not married and therefore he's not pressuring my husband to take shots and get wasted with him, I no longer feel animosity and competitiveness from him. Instead, Mr. Never just seems eager to impress me, if sometimes in very arrogant ways. Like when he brags about his expensive wines.

In summer of 09, he began dating a divorced mom we'll call EyeShadow. One Saturday night, a large group of us in the neighborhood, plus a recently single friend of mine we'll call Audi, and I all decided to go out together to a new club in Dallas and get a VIP table. Mr. Never and the guys covered the cost. When we returned that night, everybody either went home or ended up at Mr. Never's house. I was still heavily "divorce smoking" at this time, and I sat outside poolside with Mr. Never and talked for several hours before walking home, which is next door. I didn't think twice about EyeShadow, she had stayed indoors and presumably fallen asleep in Mr. Never's bed.

Gradually, after this night, I saw her around and was always friendly. She seemed wary of me and I wanted her to not be so. I was no threat to her thing with Mr. Never. The three of us went out in Dallas another night when I was meeting a large group of friends, I got to know EyeShadow a little better, and she was seeming more comfortable around me, but mostly we were all just drinking, it wasn't quality time spent.

By Labor Day weekend, Mr. Never had broken up with her. He began reconnecting with another girl from his past, which later fizzled too, and he was less in touch than he'd been in the summer.

Well, EyeShadow and I had things in common, so I thought. She was a divorced mom in her early thirties just like me and she lived so nearby. I figured this was a good time to initiate a friendship. I had also learned that after that night at the club, she had befriended Audi. The three of us being attractive and newly single, I thought we could begin hanging out.

So I went out a few times in the Fall with EyeShadow. She confided about the break up with Mr. Never, she insisted she didn't care and was over it. Even though it seemed they were still in touch. I felt she was hiding something, but I didn't press her. Because Mr. Never had confided in me that he just didn't feel strongly for her, I didn't want to encourage her in any way to continue being open to his advances. EyeShadow was rather hard to read, but she was fun to go out with and she was inclusive as well, she invited me to hang out often.

Here it is, January! I hadn't caught up with Mr. Never in quite some time, as I was busy socializing in Dallas with new friends, well outside of Mr. Never's pool and his favorite neighborhood pub. But one Thursday, I was free and he asked me to get a drink with him. We ended up driving over to the neighborhood pub together. I knew Mr. Never was receiving texts from EyeShadow at the time, and he invited her to join us. She also texted me to ask what I was doing, I encouraged her to come up to the bar. She was apparently on a date with a guy she wasn't interested in, and she was possibly going to come by after they split ways. I wasn't thinking about EyeShadow though, I was involved in a great conversation with Mr. Never about our past relationships and he became vulnerable and revealed a lot of his feelings about his ex-wife. We recalled some of the things that had been going on just next door from each other all these ten years.

At some point, he told me something about his ex that just really touched me. I jumped up from my bar stool and just hugged him and ran my fingers through his hair and kissed him on the cheek. It was just spontaneous and natural, and I was not making out.

Just then, EyeShadow walked in. She looked at us, and spun around and walked right back out. Mr. Never and I just sat there stunned for a few seconds, I wasn't really grasping why she left. My immediate thought was that maybe she left her phone in her car, I really didn't feel that she would have been leaving because of my hug with Mr. Never.

But of course, I am an idiot. She left because she saw me "hanging all over" her ex-boyfriend.

It really was hard for me to empathize, at first. Just because I don't see Mr. Never as her ex-boyfriend. I view Mr. Never as my neighbor and friend of 10 years. I've met a few girls he has dated, but of course, I had never befriended any of them. So all of this is new to me. I felt bad and both Mr. Never and I were texting her and telling her to come back, that we weren't doing anything we wouldn't have done in front of her, that nothing was going on, etc.

She refused, replied with texts saying it was none of her business, that we can go about our business. I felt confused and I wished she would let me explain. But at the same time, I was enjoying my time with Mr. Never, we were talking about things that didn't pertain to her, and her inclusion would have interrupted that. So I was actually glad she didn't join us.

Mr. Never and I had several more drinks, he more than I, then we went to breakfast, then back to his house where I tucked him into bed. He kissed me a lot, but it was very very drunk kissing, he was literally falling asleep in the bed cuddling and kissing me. I was also drunk and felt completely comfortable with whatever at that point. So yes, I am a bad friend. I made out with my friend and neighbor of 10 years, who also happened to be the not-so-recent ex-boyfriend of a girl who I had only recently befriended in between.

I tried to reach out to EyeShadow and be rational. She just replied with some remarks about how we could do what we wanted, he wasn't her boyfriend, it was none of her business, etc. I knew she was mad, so I tried to explain that it wasn't like that and Mr. Never and I are not romantically involved, just care about each other and are friends. She replied with, "none of my friends would hang all over my ex-boyfriend." I could have been more understanding at this point, but I wasn't. I replied with something like, "well because of my long friendship with Mr. Never, I am a different kind of category of friend when it comes to you and he. I don't view him as only your ex, he is more to me than just 'my friend's ex."

Naturally, she didn't like that. At whatever point, I saw that she had deleted me from facebook.

I do feel bad for hurting her, it was selfish of me. But I didn't think she was going to budge and be my friend again. So feeling helpless, I essentially told her that I was willing to talk about it anytime she wished, that I had nothing to hide and that I was not in between anything with she and Mr. Never. That said, I was thinking to myself that in reality, I barely knew this girl and maybe she wasn't a good friend either if she couldn't even discuss with me how she really felt. I chalked it up to an unfortunate (but not terrible) decision on my part and gave up, leaving the door open.

I don't regreat all of it though. I had a great time with Mr. Never that night, I don't want to date him, but I feel close to him and it was a fun time connecting, yes even the somewhat physical playfulness. I am a woman and he is a man, we've been attracted to each other for many years, we have a meaningful friendship, and most importantly, we are single. Things happen. Kissing feels good. Why not let kisses happen?

Out of Control Texting

Last night's texts after DH stormed out. He was angered because while discussing splitting the finances, I quietly reminded him that in the divorce decree he signed, he did agree to pay the mortgage through December 31st. Apparently he had forgotten about this and didn't look it over before he signed. Now that the divorce is final, it's the rule. He claims that I screwed him over, and in his rage he threatened to refuse to pay anything he agreed upon, besides child support. He threatened to empty his retirement account so we can't split it. He struck me, painfully in the gut, with a thrown book, he poked me hard in the forehead, he screamed obscenities at me, displayed physically threatening body language, and disparaged my family. I stayed mostly quiet and turned my face away. I was indignant, but also scared. Then he left. I knew he was completely in the wrong, but I also knew he was shocked and stressed (his own fault, but still, I felt empathy for his loss of control) so I texted him...

ME: Calm down. Nothing is different.
DH: Fuck u
ME: Calm down. I’m here when you are settled down. I wasn’t intent on holding you to the mortgage part. That was written before I had a job.
DH: Fuck u..rotten in he’ll. I hate u & always will. I am sad tht mg boys will have to grow up with such a bitch for a mother. Please post this on the Internet because it is the truth.
ME. Please calm down. And you should come back. Beeb will be hurt tomorrow.
ME: What is the truth?
DH: I really glad that u are willing to piss way the only savings that u will have
DH: The truth is that u pushed me away bc you are a pathetic person. Someone who is arrogant, unmotivated, messy & runs her mother [mouth] all the time. I should have fucked more girls than Natasha. Oh by the way, I may start dating Natasha again, at least she respects me.
ME: I know you are mad. But nothing is different. Please calm down.
ME: Just settle down.
DH: Calm down, I will camp down the day that u are out of my life. I can’t wait for some sad sap to get caught in your web. Don’t ever introduce your boyfriends to me bc I will let them know what a mistake u are.
ME. Settle down. You don’t mean these things. You are hurting yourself.
DH: Hurting myself…haha.
ME: By being unkind . You are saying very painful things.
DH: By the way, I mean every bit of it. I wasted 10 years of my life….I should have never u. Married u.
ME: That’s sad. I love you still though. I won’t shut you out. Was just trying to protect myself.
DH. U are the biggest piece of shit that I have ever been associated with. I try to be nice but u ruin it
DH: My mother may gave faults but she was right about u! I should have listened to her from the start
ME: That’s hurtful. I know it isn’t honest though. Btw I love your mom too, I don’t expect perfect
DH: Rotten in he’ll. I am done falling for your bullshit, j tried to be nice in the decree but now the gloves are off Good luck when u need something. ..this bridge has been burned
ME: I’m sorry you are so upset. You know in your heart I am not trying to screw or hurt you. You just know it and that is that.
ME: I do not wish to hurt you . I hope you can come to some peace, I don’t like when you are so upset and hateful.
DH: Stay out of my life. Go away.
ME: I care and I am stung by all the things you said. I don’t know why you want to hurt me but I will leave you alone now. I’m here when you are ready. As always.

DH reappeared this morning around 5:30AM as I was waking up to get dressed for work. He wanted to wake up Beeb and feed him breakfast. I allowed him to do so. As I was getting ready for work, he quietly left.

whew.

Derelict Girl

Today was dynamic in terms of this roller coaster. In a good way. Until...

Coincidentally, I saw Derelict Girl this afternoon while driving through my neighborhood. She was dropping off her daughters at the house where her ex husband stayed, the one with the perfect landscaping. I thought she saw me, but who knows and who cares.

I haven't seen her since November, before I knew. And seeing her now struck something in me, it felt just awful. Here are the ugly thoughts, please forgive my lack of grace... I don't think I am perfect, okay? I'm no sweetheart, I don't live to make everyone happy, but I do live a life my friends wouldn't have to defend. And I was hurt by her.

What is it like to be her? I don't mean the guilt she should feel, as I am pretty sure she sleeps well at night. Instead I mean to be so utterly pathetic and at any man's feet, what is that like to be so poorly bred:

The kind of girl who chases men like a wild beast and sleeps with them immediately, without even knowing if she'll see them again...without even the excuse of drunkeness?

The kind of girl who would fall in love with a married man, one who doesn't even love her back?

The kind of girl who sends highly suggestive texts and some unspeakably vulgar ones as well, to you during the day, and also constantly compliments you and seemingly worships you... and yet you aren't her boyfriend or have even had a meaningful conversation.

The kind of girl who people call bugaboo. *ok, that was me. Tho DH didn't defend her, not that his opinion matters, beyond obviously!!

The kind of girl who will send you numerous friend requests on facebook even after you've ignored her again and again and again.

The kind of girl who keeps you on her mass email list, even after it's over, just to keep an "in" and feel like she's part of your actual life, even though she represents complete destruction of your former life.

The kind of girl who pretends she is cool with a casual sexual relationship and yet finds some lame excuse to talk to you every day, just to "see how you are doing." *subtle! we're friends right?! wink wink

The kind of girl who is available to see you at the last minute, even if you didn't contact her until 5pm on Saturday. The kind of girl who breaks her plans, if she even had any.

The kind of girl who tried to make plans with you only to find you had plans with the guys, but still offers her bed and a back rub or something supposedly irresistible, spontaneously, just in case you have nothing better to do at 2:30 AM. Oh and she's probably sent a "concerned" text message hoping you made it home safe, even though she isn't your girlfriend or even friend.

The kind of girl who makes herself one of your many options, whenevs you like, she's game.

The kind of girl who talks to guys and not girls, because she thinks we're all against her or jealous of her big fake breasts.

The kind of girl who proclaims she knows how to have a good time. Because if she didn't say so aloud... ?

WHAT does this feel like? No, I am not chipper and happy all the time, but I do like myself quite a bit, I know I don't hurt people, I know I respect myself a lot. Does she feel good about herself while throwing herself at men? Does she find this empowering or what? WTF.


I just re-read this, don't make the mistake of thinking I am shocked by her. I'm not. I know this happens all the time. But not in my world and I would never. I guess she sounds like a pretty average girl who fell for a natural born charmer. Sucks being myself and in the minority, but I would rather be single forever than be like her, one so easily enchanted. Where are all the cool people? HERE and there, not everywhere. And despite everything I endured, I managed to see through him, all along, even from the day we met. Eyes don't lie. So in the midst of crisis, I stopped thinking and just went with heart, kind of a risk! I was patient, I forgave him earnestly, I appealed to him with humility and I persuaded him to give me more (money basically), what I thought and what he knew I deserved. And he gave me as much as he could afford. I didn't have to go to trial. I just waited for the anger to wear down and I kept talking honestly and listening, as I always had. Or I wore him down, whichever, it worked.

TaTa loved DH, I mean, she didn't say so that I know of, but just the few actions alone that I was allowed to observe spoke volumes. She thought he was the best catch ever. Nevermind what that ungrateful Andrea must think, right? Tata ultimately got dumped, within a few weeks after my forgiveness. hmmm. No that doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel pity and a little bit of guilt for my smug sense of intellectual and emotional superiority. Yeah, that. Awesome.

It's kind of fun to imagine being her for a day though. Must be fabulously superficial, with a beautifully landscaped lawn.

whatever people

Ahh, people handle crisis so differently....

Not sure what I was thinking, but I posted my blog on my facebook, where SIL is one of my friends. I manipulated the settings on facebook so that only certain people could see that I had listed a website at all. I allowed my SIL to be on this list... I wasn't really thinking it through, I certainly didn't know what was coming.

And well, she read it. And then she notified DH, as if he didn't know I had a blog. He's never bothered to read this, but she did and apparently thought it was worse that I had posted it than the fact that I had been abused by her brother and was coping this way. DH claims he thought I just wrote about mundane motherhood stuff, I know I had told him it was deeper than that, but to his defense, we really hadn't discussed it at length and he's never really asked a lot of me.

She also notified MIL. Truly, I don't mind that they know, imo, they should know and I am not ashamed. They should have confronted DH and asked him wtf had happened. But they never have! I suppose it's too painful or perhaps they truly don't care?? They have never questioned him! If it were my brother, I would have immediately been on the phone asking, "wtf happened? talk to me!" DH's family doesn't talk about problems, that I know of anyway. Perhaps they do in privacy. In my nearly 10 years of experience with them, however, deep issues are swiftly tucked under the perfectly vaccuumed rug. Instead of talking about feelings, they just get over it instead of addressing it head on. Or do they?

So now MIL has told DH that she has always thought I was arrogant (ahh...character assassinating) and that she wants NOTHING to do with me. Oh, is that so? After supposedly loving me as a daughter all of these years, you are suddenly vilifying me because I wrote a paragraph about my disappointment in you in November? I have an imaginary gag order now?? Now that you know what your son has done to me, you hate me for acknowledging it, for speaking frankly about a difficult subject, for the desire to clarify what I have endured? Perhaps you think I deserved it because I was always so ungrateful and arrogant?

Well, after speaking to MIL, DH was angry too, with me and the whole situation my blog had incited. He began to tell me that I was just looking for sympathy (to which I said, well...maybe I am!!) and that I am just as much as fault for the demise of the relationship as he is. Then he threatened to start a blog detailing how much I suck at housecleaning and such. Seriously. He said that those things are just as important to him as being treated with kindness are to me. He said, as he has before in anger, that I "drove" him to the affair and that he abused me verbally because he can't deal with what a horrible person I am.

I let him read the part of my blog that mentioned MIL. It was from the post titled, Worst Day Ever, in Nov. 2008. He pointed out that it was sarcastic, but not so bad and understandable considering what I was dealing with on that day. I'd had some tough breaks, MIL could cut me some slack, in other words.

Well, by the next day he had totally calmed down and was back to the "I love you's." He even talked to MIL, she wasn't budging. He told me she said something that struck him like a lightning bolt, she literally told him that I should have "sucked it up" instead of blogging my feelings for anyone to see.

DH surprised me then. He sighed and said his mom just didn't know any other way to handle it, and he understood why she was hurt, but that ultimately he realized without someone else telling him so, that his mom was wrong. He said, "what if I had broken your bones? would she expect you to suck it up then??" "Sucking it up" is not an indicator of strength, it's a coping mechanism for sure and can be effective, but it's a better indicator of cowardice. I cried and cried, how validating. And I wasn't even seeking this. I never wanted to drive a wedge between DH and his family. He knows this.

DH gets it. That means a lot to me. He doesn't "like" that I have a blog, but he accepts why it's being written. Out of courtesy, I did temporarily make this blog private so that uninvited readers cannot see it.

Sure, he'll rage at me again for something else, even this again, someday. But he always comes back to rational if I stay firm but tempered, expressinf vulnerability, humility and forgiveness at the same time. I withheld judgment of his mother and sister, instead of saying they were mean witches, I said they are possibly just emotionally repressed and they just don't get it like DH and I do. I forgive them already. Even though DH did all this stuff to me, the verbal abuse, the infidelity, the neglect...he understands the gravity. He really does. If the in-laws don't, that's out of my control.

I am very proud of DH today. Too little too late though. Too bad we have to get divorced. Maybe if he can fix this problem of his and we are both single as we approach our 40's.... :-)

peace and love to in-laws everywhere.

Funny what doesn't work

I have been going through my filing cabinet and splitting up our files. I am nowhere near done, but I started pulling out unneccessary paper clutter and my throw away pile is heavy! It's enough for tonight.

Just came across some of those old written letters/memoirs that I used to write before I had my sons whenever DH would hurt my feelings. I found the one from 2002 that said something about how he had yelled at me for something I did wrong when I ran errands for his smoothie store one Saturday afternoon. In it, I detailed what lead up to the tension, and I also wrote a prophetic remark that went something like, "I'm only 27, if you aren't going to get help and stop this behavior, we should really just split up while I am still young." As if it's all over at age 30, right? Have I blogged about that one before? *sigh*

Anyway, my point is this: My 27 year old self was truly naive. First of all, for thinking that my loooong, wordy, boring, articulate, passionate, detailed, heartfelt letter was going to be read with keen interest from any man. Second, for thinking that my husband in particular would somehow read my words and have this sudden "aha" moment. He was about 30 at the time...if he didn't "get it" by then, what was I thinking was going to happen? f-ing magic? And no offense, but words are for women. My girlfriends might have read my letter and really felt my pain, I think most guys would look at it and just cringe and call me crazy.

It's laughable on all points. What was really in my mind? I guess I was still really in awe of DH at that time, our marriage was about 4 years old then. I still thought he was really a great catch and all.

I did nothing wrong by writing the letters, but with a verbal abuser there is nothing I could have done to stop him from behaving that way, even if miraculously, he had poured over them and shed tears. Or if someone can do something, there's no way I would have known that then, when I still wholeheartedly believed in him. I wrote down my feelings for him to read (and often he would angrily crumple up and toss away the paper without even a glance!). I am stunned at how much time I wasted sharing my thoughts. DH is no bleeding heart, and I knew it!

I blogged about my HS boyfriend before... T was 16 and while I laugh at those silly letters now, he was really good for a guy his age at articulating his thoughts and feelings for me, numerous times over our nearly 3 year relationship. DH is about to be 37 and never wrote more than a short paragraph to me in ten years.

Simply put, it's funny that I tried for so long to reach DH with writing. When he was verbally abusive, all that needed to be said was that his behavior was absolutely unacceptable. But just telling him that wasn't working! I knew he wouldn't listen to me in person, so I sadly wrote it down because it was my only hope. It didn't work. It didn't make things worse, either, except that the history is still here now, on notebook paper, right in front of me.

Reminding me that I was really miserably working on fixing the relationship for a long, long time. I could cry until I laugh, or laugh until I cry.

I really wasted some youth on this man, wow.

6/12/99

Hi.

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. Or non-anniversary, really.

On Saturday, June 12th in 1999 I was in Las Vegas with DH. I was secure and happy and excited. DH was madly in love with me and I was completely swept away.

The past six months had been a whirlwind! In December of 1998, I had finally ended a seemingly neverending 8 month long non-exclusive relationship with a complete cad. The story of that relationship's demise is jaw-dropping unneccessary absurdity worthy of it's own blog.

In February of 1999, I met DH. He had seen me hanging around some of his friends and had wanted to meet me. He was not my usual type, I had always preferred counter-culture individual types, I had never paid serious romantic attention to the popular frat boy types before, though I had numerous platonic friendships with them. I liked an edgier guy then, but the aforementioned relationship was causing me to open my mind a bit to other "types." DH was 26, above average mainstream straight-laced sort, in an established career, he took me out on real dates and we had a great dynamic from the start. But after we dated a few weeks, he suddenly backed away from me for about a week. I didn't call him, but I was completely hurt and was left wondering what I had done wrong. I hadn't been clingy, I had been happy and friendly and carefree, and he had seemed absolutely blown away. So not wanting to analyze my apparent misinterpretations of cues, I wrote him off in my mind, thinking I should have known better than to date a frat boy. I went out with my friends on a Saturday night. Later, at our mutual friends apartment, I ran into DH. He didn't speak to me or even look at me, just sat quietly on a sofa (very unlike him). My friend and I didn't stay long, I was very uncomfortable and foolish. I am sure I cried at some point before going to sleep.

That night, around 4AM, DH called me. He was drunk and kept saying, "I'm a dick. I'm so sorry. Are you mad at me? Do you still want to see me?" I admitted I wasn't happy that he'd pulled away from me, but I said that I would still see him. He called me the next day and every day after that, and we continued to see each other a few times a week. He was winsomely vulnerable and admitted that I scared him. I don't know why I scared him, maybe he hadn't really met a deep girl before. But whatever it was about me was no game, I was myself completely, if slightly wary and guarded.

One weekend, DH traveled to New Orleans for a bachelor party with his college friends. I went out locally and ran into our mutual single guy friends. I also met a very cute and funny guy, he was a medical student from New York *supposedly. We were by each others side all night having great conversation and dancing. Little did I know, one of those mutual single guy friends decided to call DH in New Orleans and tell him I was hanging out with some guy. DH called me, again around 4AM and drunk. He wanted to know who the guy was, said he didn't want me to see other guys, he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I said I'd think about it, but we should talk about that when he's back in town. Then he said he loved me. I told myself if he said it again when he wasn't drunk that I would believe it. And he did. So we became exclusive. And by May, he asked me to marry him.

I never cared less in my life about big weddings and all the fluff. DH didn't care either. So he arranged for us to get married in Las Vegas two weeks later.

And that was 6/12/1999. I was 23 and I thought I knew everything and that everything was perfect and that we would never abandon one another, ever. DH promised to take care of me and someday let me be a stay at home mom with lots of babies. He fulfilled that promise, it came at a cost.

It was worth it too, I have two beautiful young boys to raise with DH. He is a good father *for now. But I'm finally done being that self sacrificing wife. I never wanted to give up on DH, I still feel guilt in doing so, but over half of my marriage was spent hanging on by my fingernails on the edge of a cliff while DH wouldn't even turn around and look at me, much less pull me up...he had pushed me off, after all. He broke my heart because he allowed himself to have contempt for me, verbally abuse me, sleep with other women, even made a pass at a friend or two, and never worked to establish trust. He couldn't just be on my side. I accept him the way he is, but I will never understand why it was so difficult for him to just not speak unkindly. Why he threw a relationship with me away like garbage....when he invested so much kind effort in those who don't even know him. I would never do these things to anybody, much less the person to whom I had devoted my life.

I could have him back, I could "save" my marriage. I don't even want to... because I couldn't "save" him no matter what I did.

Ten years. Significant amount of time, but I am not sad! I took my time getting here, but it's the strangest cool measure of indifference. Things he does still affect me, but to such a lesser degree than I expected. I feel such a sense of acceptance and humor. The world is too fragile for anger, I just love him....as something other than my husband and definitely other than romantic. I refuse to let this become some tragedy.

On 6/12/2007, DH and I discussed divorce over our 8th anniversary dinner. Just days before, I had confessed to him that I knew we wouldn't be together much longer.

On 6/12/2008, I was having a drink with a male friend and essentially telling him that DH and I had a good partnership. DH went out for drinks with his friends, though now I suspect he went out to see Ta Ta. DH and I went to a dinner and movie to "celebrate" the following weekend and he called me a few names. And I just laughed until I cried, or vice versa.