Filed today

It's DH's birthday, but this has to be how it is. It's my first opportunity since the drama before Thanksgiving to see my attorney and begin the process.

I filed a petition for divorce today, 12/4/2008.

I was feeling a little crazytime, so after I called DH to inform him that I had filed, somehow I asked the name of his mistresses husband. I don't know why I asked, I guess because I just felt so in the dark about what DH has been up to all these months of cheating on me. I don't think I really had any intention of calling this man, but I was assuming that he was blindsided like me. Not neccessarily! Even though DH has told me that their divorce is already in the works, I wondered if her husband knew that Ta Ta was seeing DH. DH became furious with me and threatened to take away my kids if I dared to contact Ta Ta's husband. He claimed I was being uncool. As if I care about being cool to Ta Ta? I said not nearly as uncool as letting another woman's husband stick their dick in me and then being able to look the wife and mother in the eye at her child's blastball games, but whatevs. This angered him, of course, because I was poking fun at the absurdity of trying to be "cool" in this situation. He's angered because he believes delusionally that he doesn't do anything wrong since I am apparently the only one in the world who knows about and points out his wrongdoings. Majority rules, I suppose. And I do wrong by mocking people, that's one of his biggest pet peeves. I am somehow worse because I say how things are and try earnestly to see the humor in it all. But in his rant, he indicated that her husband already had a live-in girlfriend anyway and wouldn't care about whatever information I had...

Wait. Already has a live-in girlfriend!?! It was at this point that I backed off and in my heart was wondering where are all the good people? I had seen Ta Ta and her husband and their daughter together as recently as late August at the HOA National Night Out. And he already has a girlfriend serious enough to move in to their house? The same house he technically still owned with Ta Ta?

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel any sympathy for Ta Ta. But I feel tremendously naive today, that's for sure. People sure do make ridiculous decisions based on their hormonal urges. Why am I in the minority? Where is my tribe? The ones who would never do these things?

Worst day ever

My mom is in town, she's not staying through Thanksgiving, but she had a few days off and she's visiting the kids.

DH had left the night before around 10 PM, claiming he was going to stay at his mother's house an hour away because he had an early morning appointment with a client near her home. I recall the passing thought that he was being deceptive, but I didn't press him about it. I guess my head was just saying, "surely he wouldn't stoop so low..."

The boys awoke early today and ran to my mom, so I was sleeping in. The phone rang at about 8 AM. It was MIL, DH's mother. Hmmm...

I answered and MIL asked if DH was there! I thought that was so weird because DH is never here at 8 AM on a weekday! I was slightly annoyed, so I suggested that she try work or his cell phone. Then she said she had already tried those numbers, that he wasn't answering and she had been trying to reach him since the night before!!!!!!!!

I said, "oh? he told me he was staying at your house last night." She took a long pause and said, "no?"

I said, "nice to know!!" Then she said, "oh, well, I am worried that maybe something happened to him!" I said that when I talked to him I would let him know she called and we ended the call.

In hindsight, I wish I had said, "oh you are worried something happened to him? ME TOO, I am worried he contracted an STD!!!!"

This is something that has always bothered me about MIL. She's in such denial. She can't even give me the credit for being intelligent enough to know that the most likely explanation is that DH is cheating on me, NOT that he was either kidnapped or got into some freak accident last night on the way to her house and that the police haven't notified us because his belongings were charred unrecognizable. I mean seriously, MIL. These are about the only situations in which I would have not yet been informed that "something bad happened" to DH. ARGH.

So I called DH's work immediately. His employee answered, it sounded like she had just walked in the door, she wasn't even 100% sure DH was there. But after a minute or two, he picked up. The first thing he said was, "my appointment this morning was cancelled."

I said, "I don't care about that. Where did you stay last night?"

DH kept avoiding the obvious, I had to ask the same question about 10 times, and it wasn't until I told him that his mom had confirmed he didn't stay with her that he finally paused and said he stayed at Ta Ta's house.

I cried. I don't remember the whole conversation, but he did admit he had already slept with her numerous times. He was mad at me for asking and kept trying to say he had to get back to work. I said, you are the VP at a four person company, you will stay on the phone until I am ready. If you hang up on me, I will leave the kids with my mom for the day and I will drive up there and embarrass you and make you talk. I am still your wife, you have to answer my questions.

He essentially said he was a confused individual and that he would break up with Ta Ta and that he wanted his family back.

I didn't know what to think. I was so traumatized at this point. I got off the phone, held my tears and walked in to the kitchen to visit with my mom and the kids and get some coffee. I did not tell her what was going on. She left to go back home around noon.

I cried all day. And all weekend alone. And basically the next two months straight, every single day.

All dressed up in a cab ride alone

[copied from my other blog, with it's comments from friends]

Attended a wedding in Austin with DH this weekend. It was one of those events to mark off the calendar and let a few wayward friends know how much I had missed them (will miss them) and how much I appreciated and valued their years of friendship just in case I don't see them for a while . I felt well enough as the reception ended late to join DH and a small group of bachelors and one couple, none of whom DH knows very well, at a downtown bar afterwards, and I truly enjoyed the company of the small group we were with, they were kind to me and and really funny...but by 1:30AM, as I was overdressed for the place to begin with, I couldn't relax and was simply just too tired to converse or stand anymore in my fitted designer dress and heels. And well, these are his friends anyway.

DH asked shortly if I was ready to go, I was calmly and happily sitting down and people watching at this point and just shrugged and said, no rush, whenever you are ready.
DH must have wanted me to leave because he told me I should go outside and get a cab back to the hotel, which was all of 4 minutes away, but too far to walk in my attire. I looked up at him surprised and said I hadn't brought any money in my evening bag, nor had I brought my cell phone, as the clutch didn't fit much besides camera and lipstick....and I was rather confused at his suggestion anyway...

DH pressed on and reminded me that there was an ATM machine outside.
I sat in shock, but kept a peaceful smile, for about 30 seconds and then decided that I wasn't going to protest. I did want to leave after all, even though I felt quite insulted to be leaving unescorted, but whatever. For the record, I had no intentions of trying to keep DH from his friends, if he wanted to stay out until 6AM, that was perfectly fine with me. But I was going home.

DH must have thought better of his practically pushing me out the door, as some of the other couples in the group surely would have wondered how or why I left alone, so after I said my goodbye's, he told them all BRB and followed me out. He swiftly walked me to an ATM to withdraw two $20 bills, one for himself and one for me, and even so kindly walked across the street with me, hailed a cab and tossed his suit jacket to me, asking me to hang it up in the hotel room.

The cab ride took 4 minutes and 4 dollars. I stepped out and walked into the lobby, where I found two drunk men gazing at me, not acquainted, waiting for an elevator. They clumsily missed one elevator because they forgot to hold it open as they watched me walk up from several yards away. Another door opened, and as I entered and pressed the button for floor 9, one of the guys slurred...."heeey, that's my floor too...." I nodded politely and looked away. It was a nice hotel, but it was 1:30AM and I shouldn't have been unescorted. It would have only cost DH four dollars to ride with me to the hotel and then go back to meet his friends.
I entered my room and undressed, carefully putting away the suit jacket and my new dress. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, moisturized and dressed for bed. Then I wept silently to sleep.

But not for the obvious reasons, just because this is what is, right now. Another nuanced indicator that could have occurred any other day, that I am almost there and why.

~peace


Lesli

Andrea, what a story. I almost had tears for you. You are such a selfless wife (and could easily freelance as a writer). That evening could have gone so many different ways in the end. Men are not attuned to things, i.e. our feelings, this just once again proves it. I'm certain you looked stunning as ever!! What pretty lady doesn't want to be swept up by her date/aka husband and appreciated. No matter how strong our exterior becomes ~ it has to ~ i think our guys forget we still have that very soft side. I may just be speaking for me, cuz I have been there, too. I hope you both have had a chance to discuss this. Love ya, Lesli
Posted by Lesli on Tuesday, September 23, 2008 - 10:29 PM [Reply to this] [Remove] [Block User]

Leah_Leanna

I know all to well where 'there' is and have the deepest sympathy that you now know also. I send you my very best wishes of comfort and support. Love to you!
Posted by Leah_Leanna on Monday, September 29, 2008 - 10:22 AM [Reply to this] [Remove] [Block User]

example

DH became angered today because I told him I was not yet ready for our oldest son to stay at his Grandma's house. DH became full of rage and accused me of hating his family, told me I was a horrible communicator, said he was "done" with me in 6 weeks (that's when our younger son is due to have his spica cast removed) and called me a failure in life.

I defended myself, possibly in a sarcastic tone, and he pushed me. So I hit back and scratched his arm. He threatened to have me arrested. I laughed.

Later he did say he was sorry, he even said he deserved to be scratched by me and that he understood. Overall though, it was a very bad day, I felt anxious and physically drained all evening as a result. Our plans to work together and do some chores around the house basically didn't happen.

example

Today DH snapped at me because I asked him if he was absolutely sure he didn't throw away my grocery list. It's not like I would have been that mad, it's just a list I can re-write, but since DH has a habit of throwing away things of mine left on the counter that are not yet trash, I wanted him to take pause and try to remember if he had recently done a counter sweep.

Anyway, he snapped at me hatefully, I forgot what he said, but it was his tone, not his words that stung. As if the idea that he would throw something away and forget about it is ludicrous, even though I can recall pulling valuable things out of the trash numerous times, including an unused $50 giftcard once. He reacted as if I was accusing him a being liar. As if I would dare! I just wanted to make sure because I know how he is, I know he forgets and I accept this. I wasn't asking him in a mean way, but somehow the conversation turned ugly.

Can't win.

example

Our youngest son had a spica cast put on yesterday and it's not like we had a choice in the matter, or as if we can "shop around" for the best deal on medical care when we needed to do this right away.

I had to pay the surgery center a $470 facility fee upfront, not covered by our insurance. I had lots going on this day, I didn't question the fee, I had to care for my 3 y/o, Beeb, while my 1.5 y/o Boo was getting this cast put on. After the cast was put on, Boo was in hysterics. He had been anethesticized so that he wouldn't wiggle while the cast was applied, and waking up with half of his body in a cast had to be very scary, even without the effects of the drug! My poor baby!

Boo was fine after a nap and by the evening, he was even learning to scoot around in his cast, such a trooper! But it was a long and exhausting day for me. DH came home and was looking over some of the medical paperwork I had brought home. He found the statement for the $470 facility fee and he freaked out! He said I should have given him a heads up and when I defended myself, saying that keeping him posted on every transaction when I was super stressed and busy was simply not a priority to me, especially when there was no option involved. He screamed that he hated me! Accused me of, again, being deceptive because I had forgotten to mention the facility fee! We had no choice, we had to pay it upfront, why why why would I have needed to clear that with him?

I wish he would learn to start with calm. Yes, this fight was in front of the kids.

example

DH was telling a story about work and I was very busy, but was trying to listen. I asked him to repeat himself a couple of times because I wanted to understand a detail I had missed. DH kept getting frustrated and threatened to stop telling me. I insisted that I wanted to know and he continued. He told me I wasn't listening attentively and was very rude to me. I tried to sympathize and asked him to continue telling, that I was trying to listen as the kids were hovering around and chattering.

DH typically becomes very angered when he doesn't have my full attention. But when I am telling a story, he constantly looks away, ignores me, and when I ask if he wants me to continue, he often claims that whatever he is watching on television, usually sports, is more important and to hold that thought. Or he tells me I don't get to the point quickly enough and that I am boring.

Ouch.

But I am supposed to act like his story is interesting and pay full attention or he gets furious. What if I got furious that he doesn't listen to me either? What if I acted just like he does??? The mind reels...

example

We had planned all week to try out Texas Roadhouse for supper on a Friday night, as a new one had just opened up in our city. We had agreed that we wanted to make it early to beat the dinner rush. DH had promised to be home around 5:30PM, but when that time came and he had still not left work, I expressed disappointment.

After he got home and we headed to the restaurant, DH yelled at me and threatened me. He brought up other disagreements about how he spends his time, including his typical choice to go to the gym after work, even though he already leaves work later than he should in order to spend some time with the kids and help around the house before bedtime. I usually express my opinion and ask why he doesn't just go to the gym in the mornings or at lunch, or even leave work early in the evening and go then...but DH doesn't want to be questioned. Regardless, the gym time is not relevant to this argument, yet he brings it up along with his other laundry list of reasons he hates me, all in an effort to avoid admitting any responsibility for showing up on time to have a Friday night dinner out with our young children.

He eventually calmed down, we did have to wait, but we got a table in an acceptable time and luckily the boys did not become cranky.

No reason for this drama! He was late and unapologetic as usual. I don't know why he can't just say, "I am so sorry, I just got caught up at work on a project, I should have let it go and just left at 5 like I promised." Instead, he becomes angered that I am expressing my hurt feelings that he didn't think having dinner with us was important enough to be conscientuous and leave work on time.

*DH is essentially self-employed, so he can come and go as he pleases.

example

DH called me selfish tonight and wanted to get into an argument with me because I was watching Lost on television instead of studying. He had bathed the boys and put them to bed, apparently he thought he was doing this so that I could have time to work on my Geology homework, even though my understanding is that putting the boys down is the best way for him to get some quality time with them, as he works from 6:30 AM until 6 PM most days. I told DH that Lost is the only show I make time for on television and that I would be watching it every week until the season was over. That's where he called me selfish. For wanting to watch one show a week.


Lecturing me in a hateful way about my study habits is very common. I make no secret of the fact that I am a bit of a procrastinator, but it's none of his business. What am I, his child? I am adult. If I choose to do my homework late, that's my decision to make. I said all of this, and he essentially called me arrogant and indicated that he simply cannot stand me.