After a particularly bothersome argument over which weekend DH was making up for his lost weekend with the kids, I began to take a hard look at how accomodating I have been...all for the benefit of his "help," when I really don't need that much of his help at all.
I think it's easy to fall back into old habits of dependency when you have been married to a controlling person for 9 years...
My television went dead. The thing is only about 5 years old. Just under 5, actually, as we had purchased a 5 year warranty! DH scheduled a tech repair and the tech showed up on Monday morning. However, he needed to remove the TV from the armoir and I couldn't help him. He asked me if I had anyone around to move it for him.
I laughed and said, "no?"
So the tech left and suggested we reschedule when I could find someone to help move it out so he could access the back panel. He was really kind about it, we had a good laugh when I asked, "well, what if I was a little lonely old lady who didn't know any strong young men to help?" To that he explained that the company could send out an additional tech to help with heavy lifting, but it would have cost extra.
So DH said he would move it out of the armoir, but he hasn't. And here it is Thursday. What was I waiting for? I texted my neighbors, both divorced bachelors who have heard my story and have recently became rather protective of me in friendship. They both came by after work and moved the TV out, no sweat. I also scheduled the tech to come back out, earliest they could arrive was next Tuesday. One neighbor even offered to let me borrow his extra tv just sitting in his garage, but after he took the measurements, he realized it would not fit.
Can I just say that I love male friends? I made sure to let them know I was going out for drinks this weekend with the girls and that we should all get in touch on Saturday...
DH texted later to say he had arranged with his friend to come by and move the TV on Friday and said he would schedule the tech for Monday. I texted back that it was already taken care of. He was surprised and asked who. I mentioned the neighbors. I thought about saying, "nunya" but I would really hate if DH said that to me when I wanted to know something, so I resisted. DH replied, "Guess you don't need me anymore. Goodnight!" I texted back with a big smiley face.
Little things, but big impact.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
DH called me an idiot
It was an otherwise unremarkable Tuesday night. Beeb has soccer practice and DH is now an assistant coach. Boo has Little Gym. So Tuesday night has become the night that DH visits during the week.
I take Beeb to meet DH at the practice field, then I immediately drive to Little Gym for Boo. After class is over, we meet Beeb and DH at "our" house. DH typically stays the night. I don't have a problem with this unless he is being unkind to me. He gets to spend time with the kids and sometimes helps with some cleaning up. Otherwise he has to drive an hour away to his parents house, where he is currently residing. Unless he has a girlfriend or a lover somewhere closer, in which case, and another topic altogether, I just have to say she's really naive.
I had fed a light supper to the boys before leaving for soccer practice. I don't think I ate a proper meal this evening. But DH was starving and by the time I arrived home, he was rummaging through the cabinets and asking what I was making for dinner. I explained that the boys were fed. He barked, "Then what are you eating?" I said, "nothing!"
I suggested a few things he could prepare, including canned soup, bagged salad, and some baby carrots and broccoli with dip... He interrupted me and snapped hatefully, "I told you, I can't eat that stuff!! I am on the Atkin's diet this week! If you had any discipline yourself, you would UNDERSTAND!!"
I spun around then and asked mockingly, "what? are you being serious?? and you think this is my problem? you are really going to speak to me like this, again, today, on your night with the kids...in front of them, no less? That's your choice, but if you don't shape up right now, you can just leave!"
He glared at me and continued to gripe. By this time Beeb had wrapped his arms around DH and was begging him not to leave. DH dared tell Beeb that he was leaving because Mommy was being mean to him! I held my ground and I corrected him, so Beeb could hear, "Not true, DH. If you can't speak respectfully in this house then you just have to leave!"
DH lunged at me threateningly and said, "Quit being an IDIOT!!"
By this time, it was truly laughable. I was just done. Indignant, but not mad. I don't care enough to get mad anymore. I rolled my eyes, told him he was just hungry and needed a "time out" in the car for a few minutes. He angrily left to get his food and took a whimpering Beeb with him. When he returned, he was hanging his head. He told me he felt bad, said he was sorry and that he had brought a peace offering. He handed me a grocery sack. Inside was a new purple lock he had promised to replace for me weeks ago and an 8 piece sushi roll dinner.
I am over him, which is probably why his behavior bothers me less and less. However, in moments like these where I keep my chin up and somehow he comes around without a lecture...I wonder if we could have worked this out. If miraculously, he had wanted to really win back my long gone romantic affection, and gone through with me the change that this marriage would have required. I do believe that too many people give up before the change can even have a ghost of a chance... I have to keep believing that I held on and waited too long. Love isn't black and white. There is no absolute right feeling that I am getting from this divorce. But it is underway and I am not turning back. Maybe DH will change someday, maybe with someone else, but he took enough years from me. Waiting out the possible reward was just too great of a risk.
I take Beeb to meet DH at the practice field, then I immediately drive to Little Gym for Boo. After class is over, we meet Beeb and DH at "our" house. DH typically stays the night. I don't have a problem with this unless he is being unkind to me. He gets to spend time with the kids and sometimes helps with some cleaning up. Otherwise he has to drive an hour away to his parents house, where he is currently residing. Unless he has a girlfriend or a lover somewhere closer, in which case, and another topic altogether, I just have to say she's really naive.
I had fed a light supper to the boys before leaving for soccer practice. I don't think I ate a proper meal this evening. But DH was starving and by the time I arrived home, he was rummaging through the cabinets and asking what I was making for dinner. I explained that the boys were fed. He barked, "Then what are you eating?" I said, "nothing!"
I suggested a few things he could prepare, including canned soup, bagged salad, and some baby carrots and broccoli with dip... He interrupted me and snapped hatefully, "I told you, I can't eat that stuff!! I am on the Atkin's diet this week! If you had any discipline yourself, you would UNDERSTAND!!"
I spun around then and asked mockingly, "what? are you being serious?? and you think this is my problem? you are really going to speak to me like this, again, today, on your night with the kids...in front of them, no less? That's your choice, but if you don't shape up right now, you can just leave!"
He glared at me and continued to gripe. By this time Beeb had wrapped his arms around DH and was begging him not to leave. DH dared tell Beeb that he was leaving because Mommy was being mean to him! I held my ground and I corrected him, so Beeb could hear, "Not true, DH. If you can't speak respectfully in this house then you just have to leave!"
DH lunged at me threateningly and said, "Quit being an IDIOT!!"
By this time, it was truly laughable. I was just done. Indignant, but not mad. I don't care enough to get mad anymore. I rolled my eyes, told him he was just hungry and needed a "time out" in the car for a few minutes. He angrily left to get his food and took a whimpering Beeb with him. When he returned, he was hanging his head. He told me he felt bad, said he was sorry and that he had brought a peace offering. He handed me a grocery sack. Inside was a new purple lock he had promised to replace for me weeks ago and an 8 piece sushi roll dinner.
I am over him, which is probably why his behavior bothers me less and less. However, in moments like these where I keep my chin up and somehow he comes around without a lecture...I wonder if we could have worked this out. If miraculously, he had wanted to really win back my long gone romantic affection, and gone through with me the change that this marriage would have required. I do believe that too many people give up before the change can even have a ghost of a chance... I have to keep believing that I held on and waited too long. Love isn't black and white. There is no absolute right feeling that I am getting from this divorce. But it is underway and I am not turning back. Maybe DH will change someday, maybe with someone else, but he took enough years from me. Waiting out the possible reward was just too great of a risk.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Rain stole my weekend vacay
Now that I am essentially single, I can take these fun weekend trips, when DH has the kids, to see friends scattered throughout the country. A good friend from Tulsa moved to Houston last Fall, I have a best friend in L.A., another in Phoenix, a childhood friend in Denver, and I have family in the Richmond, VA area. It's more expensive, but I also have another grade school friend in Spain who wants to host a visit, as well as a high school friend in rural Australia who would be down for a week in Sydney if I could make a flight. So I have a lot of places to check off my list before I find dreamboat guy and get married and have kids again. (Bwahaha haha!) Because we all know how relationships and children can delay visits with friends.
I had planned a weekend in Houston for several months, and I was really looking forward to a great time, but the whole weekend was basically a bust.
It rained, hard, starting in the Friday traffic in Dallas through Saturday night in Houston. There was a break in the rain on Friday evening, so my friend and I did attempt to go out. Since it was only Friday night, we picked this night to stay local and she took me to a few different places in Clear Lake City, a good distance south of Houston, and where she resides.
First, we went to a quaint little italian restaurant and ended up being the last customers there because the taxi cab took forever to arrive. My friend, Lissy, doesn't drive when she is drinking at all, so we cabbed everywhere. Then we went to a bar/sports bar/pool hall type of dive where the crowd was either really young or just really beneath our standards. We had two drinks there, then tried another place next door and downstairs. This place has live bands and was charging $10 per person cover charge. I knew that would be a waste of money, so luckily, Lissy was able to convince the door man to let us in two for one. We were disappointed upon entering, however, to find that the band this night was not some hip and fun cover band, but a Kiss tribute band. NOT. what. we. were. in. for.
In an effort to glam up our night, we headed to the bar and each ordered a cosmo martini. Even though there were martini glasses collecting dust on a nearby shelf, the bartender explained that they no longer serve martini's in martini glasses because they break too often. He served our cosmos in collins glasses.
We walked away from the Kiss tribute band to the room next door playing dance music, but all of 8 people were even there. We stood and took it all in woefully for a few minutes and a couple of guys walked up and said, "you ladies having fun tonight?" They were very young, short, unfashionable and frankly, rather toothy and unappealing. I smiled politely and said we were trying to. One of the guys said, "I am looking to have fun, I just got back from Iraq!!" To this I replied, "I understand that, people trying to kill you and stuff and you come back home and you just want some nice girls to hang out with." Not us, clearly.
But there was no one else nearby. We did want to sit down and these guys lead us over to a table, unfortunately, closer to the band. Ahh. I don't normally smoke, but tonight was one of those nights. Lissy and I lit up our cigarettes and smoked and thought for a bit. The guys didn't speak much, because we wouldn't have heard them over the very loud band anyway. I didn't want to look like I was too disappointed to Lissy, so I just sat and followed her lead. If she was okay hanging out at this bar for a while, then I would bear it. Finally, she indicated that she wanted me to follow her to the bar, we didn't even say goodbye to the guys, and we made a beeline for the bar and tabbed out. Then left abruptly.
In the parking lot, we discussed where to go next...but I just said we could give up if she wanted to. Her favorite cabbie, fat Nicole, happened to have just dropped someone else off. We hailed her and hopped in. It was 12:45 AM. We headed back to Lissy's house and had a few more drinks and smokes on her back patio instead of trying to go out.
Saturday was heavy rain all day and into the evening. It was so much that the streets temporarily flooded. We took long afternoon naps, hoping to wake up to dry streets and more energy, but it just didn't happen. It was still rather wet at 10PM when we finally dragged ourselves out. We had decided not to venture into downtown, to my disappointment, because a cab fare would have been $52. So we headed out in search of something cool, but neither of us were feeling especially energetic, so we settled on the local Friday's and called it a night after that.
Sunday was beautiful, but all too late. Lissy drove me to the Kemah boardwalk and we had lunch at the aquarium. All the while, I was checking the clock because I had to be back in Dallas before 9 PM and not knowing what Houston traffic had in store for me, I couldn't relax. I did arrive home before 9, but that was the only good news all weekend. It was nice to be around Lissy and reminisce, but the weather was astoundingly energy zapping. I plan to go back in the summer and give this place another shot.
Now... thinking about a weekend in Denver this summer as well to visit another old girl friend.
I had planned a weekend in Houston for several months, and I was really looking forward to a great time, but the whole weekend was basically a bust.
It rained, hard, starting in the Friday traffic in Dallas through Saturday night in Houston. There was a break in the rain on Friday evening, so my friend and I did attempt to go out. Since it was only Friday night, we picked this night to stay local and she took me to a few different places in Clear Lake City, a good distance south of Houston, and where she resides.
First, we went to a quaint little italian restaurant and ended up being the last customers there because the taxi cab took forever to arrive. My friend, Lissy, doesn't drive when she is drinking at all, so we cabbed everywhere. Then we went to a bar/sports bar/pool hall type of dive where the crowd was either really young or just really beneath our standards. We had two drinks there, then tried another place next door and downstairs. This place has live bands and was charging $10 per person cover charge. I knew that would be a waste of money, so luckily, Lissy was able to convince the door man to let us in two for one. We were disappointed upon entering, however, to find that the band this night was not some hip and fun cover band, but a Kiss tribute band. NOT. what. we. were. in. for.
In an effort to glam up our night, we headed to the bar and each ordered a cosmo martini. Even though there were martini glasses collecting dust on a nearby shelf, the bartender explained that they no longer serve martini's in martini glasses because they break too often. He served our cosmos in collins glasses.
We walked away from the Kiss tribute band to the room next door playing dance music, but all of 8 people were even there. We stood and took it all in woefully for a few minutes and a couple of guys walked up and said, "you ladies having fun tonight?" They were very young, short, unfashionable and frankly, rather toothy and unappealing. I smiled politely and said we were trying to. One of the guys said, "I am looking to have fun, I just got back from Iraq!!" To this I replied, "I understand that, people trying to kill you and stuff and you come back home and you just want some nice girls to hang out with." Not us, clearly.
But there was no one else nearby. We did want to sit down and these guys lead us over to a table, unfortunately, closer to the band. Ahh. I don't normally smoke, but tonight was one of those nights. Lissy and I lit up our cigarettes and smoked and thought for a bit. The guys didn't speak much, because we wouldn't have heard them over the very loud band anyway. I didn't want to look like I was too disappointed to Lissy, so I just sat and followed her lead. If she was okay hanging out at this bar for a while, then I would bear it. Finally, she indicated that she wanted me to follow her to the bar, we didn't even say goodbye to the guys, and we made a beeline for the bar and tabbed out. Then left abruptly.
In the parking lot, we discussed where to go next...but I just said we could give up if she wanted to. Her favorite cabbie, fat Nicole, happened to have just dropped someone else off. We hailed her and hopped in. It was 12:45 AM. We headed back to Lissy's house and had a few more drinks and smokes on her back patio instead of trying to go out.
Saturday was heavy rain all day and into the evening. It was so much that the streets temporarily flooded. We took long afternoon naps, hoping to wake up to dry streets and more energy, but it just didn't happen. It was still rather wet at 10PM when we finally dragged ourselves out. We had decided not to venture into downtown, to my disappointment, because a cab fare would have been $52. So we headed out in search of something cool, but neither of us were feeling especially energetic, so we settled on the local Friday's and called it a night after that.
Sunday was beautiful, but all too late. Lissy drove me to the Kemah boardwalk and we had lunch at the aquarium. All the while, I was checking the clock because I had to be back in Dallas before 9 PM and not knowing what Houston traffic had in store for me, I couldn't relax. I did arrive home before 9, but that was the only good news all weekend. It was nice to be around Lissy and reminisce, but the weather was astoundingly energy zapping. I plan to go back in the summer and give this place another shot.
Now... thinking about a weekend in Denver this summer as well to visit another old girl friend.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
eHarmony sucks
I wasn't planning on becoming a paid subscriber, but eHarmony.com allows me to take their looong personality profile quiz and have a membership with a profile description and a pic. So I signed up just to see what was out there.
Unless I am just missing something, I found no way to discriminate my matches based on height and income. So since I earn $0 at the moment, and I am 5'3, eHarmony seems to think that my perfect match would be a sensitive, 40 yr old 5'7 security officer!! And in order to clear out a few of the 12 maximum allowed matches in my queue, the system has to actually send the short guy a "close" note with my reason. It provides a multiple choice list, so I chose "other," and winced a little. eHarmony doesn't allow you to select age limits, and since I prefer younger guys, this was a problem. It's not that I wouldn't date a 40 yr old at all, but I am going to expect a LOT more from him than I will an up and coming 26 yr. old. And well, in my experience, men at the older side of Generation X are a little bit more old school when it comes to treating strong women with respect. The ones I have gotten to know romantically, and they are few, have seemed to have this strong desire to FIX me and give me unwarranted advice. One suggested I go all utilitarian and attend court reporting school, as his ex-wife had. I mean, seriously. I can't see a 26 year old even daring to suggest how I should go about my academic pursuits.
By day two on eHarmony, I noticed that some of my matches had "closed" me out with the reason chosen that I had no profile pic. So I added one, just to avoid being dumped for that dumb reason.
The next morning, after I had cleared out a few more matches, I noticed that I had a new match who had already closed ME. Huh, really? So I checked out his profile, as a non-paying subscriber, I cannot view his photo, but I quickly recognized him as McNothing who I met for coffee back in September! His profile sounded like all of his long emails, his facts and physical description matched, and obviously, his first name, age and occupation gave it away. It was definitely McNothing. I had to laugh. I knew we had similar personalities, but eHarmony matching me with him within my first 15-20 matches in such a large city is a bit of a coincidence!
I can't believe he didn't even say hi. Just closed for reason, "other." I guess we aren't friends!
Needless to say, getting "closed" by strangers AND people I know is just more than I am equipped for at this point. I don't like that I can't just browse people, and go with intuition and that gut feeling rather than let a computer system decide that I really want a vertically challenged blue collar type. Plus eHarmony is too expensive. I have to admit I am a bit bummed that I couldn't reach out to the 30 yr old vegan teacher. And another guy who was in his early 30's gave me an "interested" status, but as a non-paying member, I couldn't respond. So I just cancelled the thing completely.
Bottom line, eHarmony is a good effort, but misses the mark in my opinion. Who says I want someone who is just like me anyway! McNothing was a LOT like me, and while I felt drawn to him in a strong way, there was also something annoyingly familiar about him, like a brother! Almost like we spoke the same language a bit too well. I was totally on to him, and that made him both vulnerable to me, as he spilled his guts about his wife's total betrayal, and then he felt uncomfortable. So it was ruined, all because he's just a bit too much like me.
Unless I am just missing something, I found no way to discriminate my matches based on height and income. So since I earn $0 at the moment, and I am 5'3, eHarmony seems to think that my perfect match would be a sensitive, 40 yr old 5'7 security officer!! And in order to clear out a few of the 12 maximum allowed matches in my queue, the system has to actually send the short guy a "close" note with my reason. It provides a multiple choice list, so I chose "other," and winced a little. eHarmony doesn't allow you to select age limits, and since I prefer younger guys, this was a problem. It's not that I wouldn't date a 40 yr old at all, but I am going to expect a LOT more from him than I will an up and coming 26 yr. old. And well, in my experience, men at the older side of Generation X are a little bit more old school when it comes to treating strong women with respect. The ones I have gotten to know romantically, and they are few, have seemed to have this strong desire to FIX me and give me unwarranted advice. One suggested I go all utilitarian and attend court reporting school, as his ex-wife had. I mean, seriously. I can't see a 26 year old even daring to suggest how I should go about my academic pursuits.
By day two on eHarmony, I noticed that some of my matches had "closed" me out with the reason chosen that I had no profile pic. So I added one, just to avoid being dumped for that dumb reason.
The next morning, after I had cleared out a few more matches, I noticed that I had a new match who had already closed ME. Huh, really? So I checked out his profile, as a non-paying subscriber, I cannot view his photo, but I quickly recognized him as McNothing who I met for coffee back in September! His profile sounded like all of his long emails, his facts and physical description matched, and obviously, his first name, age and occupation gave it away. It was definitely McNothing. I had to laugh. I knew we had similar personalities, but eHarmony matching me with him within my first 15-20 matches in such a large city is a bit of a coincidence!
I can't believe he didn't even say hi. Just closed for reason, "other." I guess we aren't friends!
Needless to say, getting "closed" by strangers AND people I know is just more than I am equipped for at this point. I don't like that I can't just browse people, and go with intuition and that gut feeling rather than let a computer system decide that I really want a vertically challenged blue collar type. Plus eHarmony is too expensive. I have to admit I am a bit bummed that I couldn't reach out to the 30 yr old vegan teacher. And another guy who was in his early 30's gave me an "interested" status, but as a non-paying member, I couldn't respond. So I just cancelled the thing completely.
Bottom line, eHarmony is a good effort, but misses the mark in my opinion. Who says I want someone who is just like me anyway! McNothing was a LOT like me, and while I felt drawn to him in a strong way, there was also something annoyingly familiar about him, like a brother! Almost like we spoke the same language a bit too well. I was totally on to him, and that made him both vulnerable to me, as he spilled his guts about his wife's total betrayal, and then he felt uncomfortable. So it was ruined, all because he's just a bit too much like me.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Thoughts must be avoided
I don't know who I am anymore. Does it matter that this is so? Who are we? Are we what we think we are? Do thoughts dictate what we are? Thoughts are just the ego, right (Eckhart Tolle...)? Are we what others think we are? Who actually knows with 100% certainty what we are and what we will become (who being humans, not God)? I am thinking I should just stop trying to define myself with thoughts and words and start selling doubt. It's a whole lot more believable.
Alas, I cannot think anyway. Whenever I think, I weep. When I think, I still cannot accept that this has happened to me and I am weakened with humility and self pity. There are no reasons for what has been done with me, for the words that have been spoken to me, the deeds, the near complete denial of my self to be good enough as just what I am. Which is what, again? I know I didn't deserve it, but yet it was done and I am not foolish enough to pretend that I am unaffected. I am not even sure what "coping well" really means. Relative to what?
I wept every day from about mid-November 2008 through January of this year. And somehow, I must have adapted to the pain, because it simply doesn't bring me to tears so often anymore. News that would have devastated me months ago, now brings a quiet sigh and a nod and sometimes the word or thought, "again."
So is it any wonder that I procrastinate? It's self-preservation, an unhealthy (or neccessary?) coping mechanism that I feel particularly powerless to. This destructive wishing that someone else will come in and just take care of everything, as I clearly haven't been capable. I desperately wish to ask for help, but when help arrives, I have nothing to suggest.
Friends have called me strong and have uttered tremendously kind words to me. And I have been strong in their eyes, I suppose, because I have been as honest as possible and I have held together my sanity. For me, I believe the alternative "sucking it up" would be harder for me. And truth be told, I know that putting off the inevitable has been what's behind my calm demeanor. My friends don't understand how I am doing this. And I don't understand how to do this any other way. And what am I doing anyway? So much of it isn't dictated by anyone but ourselves and somehow I think I was expecting a divorce decree to magically become my new manager, trainer and orientation package. Like a software program instantly downloaded in my brain and set to run.
So thinking is out. For now. It spirals out of control if I let it. I need only attach invasive thoughts of my regret over my father, my children's future, the stupid economy (@#$%!), my college endeavor, my vices, my scattered mind, etc. etc. and any momentum I was feeling is sucked right back out of me and I am promptly returned to my frozen pond like the lost ugly duckling before the self-absorbed farmer plucks her out.
(and then she starts writing and that plan for an early bedtime tonight is shot)
Spiritually, being removed from the frozen pond seems like it has happened several times over already, yet I am not yet performing on that stage and I am still a bit too close to that stupid pond. I hope my readers are familiar with the ugly duckling story...what happens with the duckling is that after she flees her duck family, she is alone in the winter and finds herself stuck in a frozen pond and about to just give up. The freeze is representative of that point in life when you just don't know what to do next! Then the farmer rescues her from the pond is only doing so because a duck could be useful at his farm. He is only offering her a temporary home, among hens and a cat, and the duckling figures out that while it is certainly better than her cruel duck family and better than freezing to death in the pond, the farm is not actually where she belongs either. Because she is not a duck. The farmer simply represents the people or things we might hang out with while we are figuring out what to do next, but not the ducklings "true kind."
I hope that made sense. I just love that story. It's very very old and when told properly, is so wise and offers hope, especially for those of us who have always felt at odds with the world. The duckling, as we all know, eventually finds her kind, after she has regained some of her senses while living on the farm. (thank you Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes).
Have I mentioned that I prefer a stream of consciousness writing style? I think I will stop here.
:)
Alas, I cannot think anyway. Whenever I think, I weep. When I think, I still cannot accept that this has happened to me and I am weakened with humility and self pity. There are no reasons for what has been done with me, for the words that have been spoken to me, the deeds, the near complete denial of my self to be good enough as just what I am. Which is what, again? I know I didn't deserve it, but yet it was done and I am not foolish enough to pretend that I am unaffected. I am not even sure what "coping well" really means. Relative to what?
I wept every day from about mid-November 2008 through January of this year. And somehow, I must have adapted to the pain, because it simply doesn't bring me to tears so often anymore. News that would have devastated me months ago, now brings a quiet sigh and a nod and sometimes the word or thought, "again."
So is it any wonder that I procrastinate? It's self-preservation, an unhealthy (or neccessary?) coping mechanism that I feel particularly powerless to. This destructive wishing that someone else will come in and just take care of everything, as I clearly haven't been capable. I desperately wish to ask for help, but when help arrives, I have nothing to suggest.
Friends have called me strong and have uttered tremendously kind words to me. And I have been strong in their eyes, I suppose, because I have been as honest as possible and I have held together my sanity. For me, I believe the alternative "sucking it up" would be harder for me. And truth be told, I know that putting off the inevitable has been what's behind my calm demeanor. My friends don't understand how I am doing this. And I don't understand how to do this any other way. And what am I doing anyway? So much of it isn't dictated by anyone but ourselves and somehow I think I was expecting a divorce decree to magically become my new manager, trainer and orientation package. Like a software program instantly downloaded in my brain and set to run.
So thinking is out. For now. It spirals out of control if I let it. I need only attach invasive thoughts of my regret over my father, my children's future, the stupid economy (@#$%!), my college endeavor, my vices, my scattered mind, etc. etc. and any momentum I was feeling is sucked right back out of me and I am promptly returned to my frozen pond like the lost ugly duckling before the self-absorbed farmer plucks her out.
(and then she starts writing and that plan for an early bedtime tonight is shot)
Spiritually, being removed from the frozen pond seems like it has happened several times over already, yet I am not yet performing on that stage and I am still a bit too close to that stupid pond. I hope my readers are familiar with the ugly duckling story...what happens with the duckling is that after she flees her duck family, she is alone in the winter and finds herself stuck in a frozen pond and about to just give up. The freeze is representative of that point in life when you just don't know what to do next! Then the farmer rescues her from the pond is only doing so because a duck could be useful at his farm. He is only offering her a temporary home, among hens and a cat, and the duckling figures out that while it is certainly better than her cruel duck family and better than freezing to death in the pond, the farm is not actually where she belongs either. Because she is not a duck. The farmer simply represents the people or things we might hang out with while we are figuring out what to do next, but not the ducklings "true kind."
I hope that made sense. I just love that story. It's very very old and when told properly, is so wise and offers hope, especially for those of us who have always felt at odds with the world. The duckling, as we all know, eventually finds her kind, after she has regained some of her senses while living on the farm. (thank you Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes).
Have I mentioned that I prefer a stream of consciousness writing style? I think I will stop here.
:)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
The Male Brain to be released October 2009!
Finally, for all of our edification, the follow up to The Female Brain. I can't imagine that The Male Brain will be nearly as fascinating as the aforementioned, but as a mother of two young boys, I absolutely cannot wait to read this book. I suppose a little insight on men's brains in general couldn't hurt me in the interests of romance (yuk, did I just say that?), but it was after reading The Female Brain that I promptly decided to avoid analyzing men and just accept/love the differences between our thought processes or if at all, to FORGET about expecting men to see things my way. If I do feel the need to understand, I always attempt to look at things in simpler terms. It's made me very tolerant of behavior that would have repulsed me in the past.
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