Derelict Girl

Today was dynamic in terms of this roller coaster. In a good way. Until...

Coincidentally, I saw Derelict Girl this afternoon while driving through my neighborhood. She was dropping off her daughters at the house where her ex husband stayed, the one with the perfect landscaping. I thought she saw me, but who knows and who cares.

I haven't seen her since November, before I knew. And seeing her now struck something in me, it felt just awful. Here are the ugly thoughts, please forgive my lack of grace... I don't think I am perfect, okay? I'm no sweetheart, I don't live to make everyone happy, but I do live a life my friends wouldn't have to defend. And I was hurt by her.

What is it like to be her? I don't mean the guilt she should feel, as I am pretty sure she sleeps well at night. Instead I mean to be so utterly pathetic and at any man's feet, what is that like to be so poorly bred:

The kind of girl who chases men like a wild beast and sleeps with them immediately, without even knowing if she'll see them again...without even the excuse of drunkeness?

The kind of girl who would fall in love with a married man, one who doesn't even love her back?

The kind of girl who sends highly suggestive texts and some unspeakably vulgar ones as well, to you during the day, and also constantly compliments you and seemingly worships you... and yet you aren't her boyfriend or have even had a meaningful conversation.

The kind of girl who people call bugaboo. *ok, that was me. Tho DH didn't defend her, not that his opinion matters, beyond obviously!!

The kind of girl who will send you numerous friend requests on facebook even after you've ignored her again and again and again.

The kind of girl who keeps you on her mass email list, even after it's over, just to keep an "in" and feel like she's part of your actual life, even though she represents complete destruction of your former life.

The kind of girl who pretends she is cool with a casual sexual relationship and yet finds some lame excuse to talk to you every day, just to "see how you are doing." *subtle! we're friends right?! wink wink

The kind of girl who is available to see you at the last minute, even if you didn't contact her until 5pm on Saturday. The kind of girl who breaks her plans, if she even had any.

The kind of girl who tried to make plans with you only to find you had plans with the guys, but still offers her bed and a back rub or something supposedly irresistible, spontaneously, just in case you have nothing better to do at 2:30 AM. Oh and she's probably sent a "concerned" text message hoping you made it home safe, even though she isn't your girlfriend or even friend.

The kind of girl who makes herself one of your many options, whenevs you like, she's game.

The kind of girl who talks to guys and not girls, because she thinks we're all against her or jealous of her big fake breasts.

The kind of girl who proclaims she knows how to have a good time. Because if she didn't say so aloud... ?

WHAT does this feel like? No, I am not chipper and happy all the time, but I do like myself quite a bit, I know I don't hurt people, I know I respect myself a lot. Does she feel good about herself while throwing herself at men? Does she find this empowering or what? WTF.


I just re-read this, don't make the mistake of thinking I am shocked by her. I'm not. I know this happens all the time. But not in my world and I would never. I guess she sounds like a pretty average girl who fell for a natural born charmer. Sucks being myself and in the minority, but I would rather be single forever than be like her, one so easily enchanted. Where are all the cool people? HERE and there, not everywhere. And despite everything I endured, I managed to see through him, all along, even from the day we met. Eyes don't lie. So in the midst of crisis, I stopped thinking and just went with heart, kind of a risk! I was patient, I forgave him earnestly, I appealed to him with humility and I persuaded him to give me more (money basically), what I thought and what he knew I deserved. And he gave me as much as he could afford. I didn't have to go to trial. I just waited for the anger to wear down and I kept talking honestly and listening, as I always had. Or I wore him down, whichever, it worked.

TaTa loved DH, I mean, she didn't say so that I know of, but just the few actions alone that I was allowed to observe spoke volumes. She thought he was the best catch ever. Nevermind what that ungrateful Andrea must think, right? Tata ultimately got dumped, within a few weeks after my forgiveness. hmmm. No that doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel pity and a little bit of guilt for my smug sense of intellectual and emotional superiority. Yeah, that. Awesome.

It's kind of fun to imagine being her for a day though. Must be fabulously superficial, with a beautifully landscaped lawn.