I'm back to writing. I've really missed this... not the relationship though. I'm so happy to be over a year beyond the initial seperation in '08. Here it is mid-March 2010, just a year ago I was still a stay-at-home mom, I was taking an online class, I was separated, I had gone on one date which was just enough for my dignity at the moment, and I was frantically trying to finesse DH to agree to my (very fair) divorce terms rather than pay an attorney to take us to trial. Even if I was risking my financial security, I was determined to do it with style and class myself, to have said I tried to do it civilly. I was making a calculated bet based on heart and on the man I knew for 9 years, I put myself at his mercy believing that he would humbly recognize the gravity and do what was easiest for him to do. Throughout it all, I constantly told him I was so proud of him for being civil, even though inside I felt raw with knowing that aside from picking apart certain tasks, proud was the polar opposite of the pitiful, dreadful and sad feelings I felt for him. I am so glad I am not wired to be wounded as he. It must hurt to dislike yourself and suppress pain only to inflict it on others. It must come at a great cost and for that I truly feel for him. I do still love him after all.
I was busy and stressed with the kids for no unordinary reasons, I hadn't begun looking for a job and although I had this sense everything would be alright, I was just on the edge of spiralling doubt. And everything DID work out okay.
A year later, I have a job of 6 months that I really enjoy, I've met better men than DH, and some worse, I've made new friends and (involuntarily) rid myself of a couple toxic ones. I have let go of expectations of perfection, yet I won't stand for certain disrespect. I'm *surprise* an adult and I actually feel like this is not a fraudulent statement for once.
I've noticed a change in myself too, maybe this was already there, but the reocognition gradual. I've become an extrovert. Inside, I still feel socially awkward like I was as a child and teen, but somehow I fight through it and I embrace it rather than try to pretend the tendency doesn't exist. And here I am, 34 years old and this is who I am now. I don't think I've been "shy" for over a decade now. Yet somehow it's still how I immediately think of myself and how I initially expect people to see me.
So the blog is public again.
I am no longer concerned if family members should read my words, though I vividly recall the pain I felt when they temporarily vilified me over the summer, prompting me to close off access to this site. If they do remember this site and happen to seek it and read it someday, I can take the heat. I wish they would listen and understand what happened to me, but I am not interested in fighting to have their ears. My divorce has been final for several months and I won't be threatened now that I am ~95% independent. Should they feel any sort of animosity, I can only apologize and assert that I never wanted to hurt anyone and that's not the intent of this blog at all. I love my in-laws forever, I miss them, and that's just that. I feel that they disapprove of me and misunderstand my approach, but that's okay with me, I must shrug and go on.
These aforementioned events I describe here, these emotionally-shattering things, were done to me. No one will ever convince me that I deserved it or that this was some sort of cliche 50/50 situation. I accept that there are probably behaviors I could have tried that might have contained the issues, but well.. that "how-to manual" wasn't handed to me at the wedding chapel. I did my best, I tried to do what I thought was right, I fought for us, I argued fairly, I didn't take easy shots, I was achingly rational-learned behavior, as his anger only increased when I shed tears! And it still didn't stop him. My best did not work. I never hurt him. I never betrayed him. I gave 9 of my best years to him. I gave him beautiful children that have enhanced his life, which in my opinion, was rather meaningless before me. He loved me, yes, but he also hated me. I chose to walk away from both because I could no longer endure the pain of the hate.
And I'm still healing. I still don't know what's right sometimes. I freeze when I don't know what to do next with a man, especially one who is charming... this reminds me of DH. I grow suspicious and I back away, spooked. I don't wish to be fooled again. I'm open and honest about what happened... yet vulnerability is suppressed.
I have to believe that this is all just part of it, and although I am far less frantic on the inside about what the future holds, I wonder if now is all as it must be in order to be ready for whatever is supposed to happen next.
:)
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
The Neighbor
I've known my neighbor, Mr. Never, since the year DH and I built the house. Mr. and Mrs. Never built their home on the property next door in 2000. When we met them, we were happy to learn that they were close to our age and seemed of like-mind. It didn't take long though for the enchantment to wane, however. They also liked to drink really heavily with some of our other heavy drinking neighbors, and at times, they were all really obnoxious.
Fast forward 9 years, Mr. Never is divorced and still living in the house since DH moved out in 12/08, I occasionally hang out and talk with Mr. Never. He has made it clear he is romantically interested, and I have rebuffed his attempts. He continues to treat me as a friend, and I do enjoy his company as well as the company of our other single neighbors and his friends. He still drinks heavily and behaves obnoxiously. But because I am not married and therefore he's not pressuring my husband to take shots and get wasted with him, I no longer feel animosity and competitiveness from him. Instead, Mr. Never just seems eager to impress me, if sometimes in very arrogant ways. Like when he brags about his expensive wines.
In summer of 09, he began dating a divorced mom we'll call EyeShadow. One Saturday night, a large group of us in the neighborhood, plus a recently single friend of mine we'll call Audi, and I all decided to go out together to a new club in Dallas and get a VIP table. Mr. Never and the guys covered the cost. When we returned that night, everybody either went home or ended up at Mr. Never's house. I was still heavily "divorce smoking" at this time, and I sat outside poolside with Mr. Never and talked for several hours before walking home, which is next door. I didn't think twice about EyeShadow, she had stayed indoors and presumably fallen asleep in Mr. Never's bed.
Gradually, after this night, I saw her around and was always friendly. She seemed wary of me and I wanted her to not be so. I was no threat to her thing with Mr. Never. The three of us went out in Dallas another night when I was meeting a large group of friends, I got to know EyeShadow a little better, and she was seeming more comfortable around me, but mostly we were all just drinking, it wasn't quality time spent.
By Labor Day weekend, Mr. Never had broken up with her. He began reconnecting with another girl from his past, which later fizzled too, and he was less in touch than he'd been in the summer.
Well, EyeShadow and I had things in common, so I thought. She was a divorced mom in her early thirties just like me and she lived so nearby. I figured this was a good time to initiate a friendship. I had also learned that after that night at the club, she had befriended Audi. The three of us being attractive and newly single, I thought we could begin hanging out.
So I went out a few times in the Fall with EyeShadow. She confided about the break up with Mr. Never, she insisted she didn't care and was over it. Even though it seemed they were still in touch. I felt she was hiding something, but I didn't press her. Because Mr. Never had confided in me that he just didn't feel strongly for her, I didn't want to encourage her in any way to continue being open to his advances. EyeShadow was rather hard to read, but she was fun to go out with and she was inclusive as well, she invited me to hang out often.
Here it is, January! I hadn't caught up with Mr. Never in quite some time, as I was busy socializing in Dallas with new friends, well outside of Mr. Never's pool and his favorite neighborhood pub. But one Thursday, I was free and he asked me to get a drink with him. We ended up driving over to the neighborhood pub together. I knew Mr. Never was receiving texts from EyeShadow at the time, and he invited her to join us. She also texted me to ask what I was doing, I encouraged her to come up to the bar. She was apparently on a date with a guy she wasn't interested in, and she was possibly going to come by after they split ways. I wasn't thinking about EyeShadow though, I was involved in a great conversation with Mr. Never about our past relationships and he became vulnerable and revealed a lot of his feelings about his ex-wife. We recalled some of the things that had been going on just next door from each other all these ten years.
At some point, he told me something about his ex that just really touched me. I jumped up from my bar stool and just hugged him and ran my fingers through his hair and kissed him on the cheek. It was just spontaneous and natural, and I was not making out.
Just then, EyeShadow walked in. She looked at us, and spun around and walked right back out. Mr. Never and I just sat there stunned for a few seconds, I wasn't really grasping why she left. My immediate thought was that maybe she left her phone in her car, I really didn't feel that she would have been leaving because of my hug with Mr. Never.
But of course, I am an idiot. She left because she saw me "hanging all over" her ex-boyfriend.
It really was hard for me to empathize, at first. Just because I don't see Mr. Never as her ex-boyfriend. I view Mr. Never as my neighbor and friend of 10 years. I've met a few girls he has dated, but of course, I had never befriended any of them. So all of this is new to me. I felt bad and both Mr. Never and I were texting her and telling her to come back, that we weren't doing anything we wouldn't have done in front of her, that nothing was going on, etc.
She refused, replied with texts saying it was none of her business, that we can go about our business. I felt confused and I wished she would let me explain. But at the same time, I was enjoying my time with Mr. Never, we were talking about things that didn't pertain to her, and her inclusion would have interrupted that. So I was actually glad she didn't join us.
Mr. Never and I had several more drinks, he more than I, then we went to breakfast, then back to his house where I tucked him into bed. He kissed me a lot, but it was very very drunk kissing, he was literally falling asleep in the bed cuddling and kissing me. I was also drunk and felt completely comfortable with whatever at that point. So yes, I am a bad friend. I made out with my friend and neighbor of 10 years, who also happened to be the not-so-recent ex-boyfriend of a girl who I had only recently befriended in between.
I tried to reach out to EyeShadow and be rational. She just replied with some remarks about how we could do what we wanted, he wasn't her boyfriend, it was none of her business, etc. I knew she was mad, so I tried to explain that it wasn't like that and Mr. Never and I are not romantically involved, just care about each other and are friends. She replied with, "none of my friends would hang all over my ex-boyfriend." I could have been more understanding at this point, but I wasn't. I replied with something like, "well because of my long friendship with Mr. Never, I am a different kind of category of friend when it comes to you and he. I don't view him as only your ex, he is more to me than just 'my friend's ex."
Naturally, she didn't like that. At whatever point, I saw that she had deleted me from facebook.
I do feel bad for hurting her, it was selfish of me. But I didn't think she was going to budge and be my friend again. So feeling helpless, I essentially told her that I was willing to talk about it anytime she wished, that I had nothing to hide and that I was not in between anything with she and Mr. Never. That said, I was thinking to myself that in reality, I barely knew this girl and maybe she wasn't a good friend either if she couldn't even discuss with me how she really felt. I chalked it up to an unfortunate (but not terrible) decision on my part and gave up, leaving the door open.
I don't regreat all of it though. I had a great time with Mr. Never that night, I don't want to date him, but I feel close to him and it was a fun time connecting, yes even the somewhat physical playfulness. I am a woman and he is a man, we've been attracted to each other for many years, we have a meaningful friendship, and most importantly, we are single. Things happen. Kissing feels good. Why not let kisses happen?
Fast forward 9 years, Mr. Never is divorced and still living in the house since DH moved out in 12/08, I occasionally hang out and talk with Mr. Never. He has made it clear he is romantically interested, and I have rebuffed his attempts. He continues to treat me as a friend, and I do enjoy his company as well as the company of our other single neighbors and his friends. He still drinks heavily and behaves obnoxiously. But because I am not married and therefore he's not pressuring my husband to take shots and get wasted with him, I no longer feel animosity and competitiveness from him. Instead, Mr. Never just seems eager to impress me, if sometimes in very arrogant ways. Like when he brags about his expensive wines.
In summer of 09, he began dating a divorced mom we'll call EyeShadow. One Saturday night, a large group of us in the neighborhood, plus a recently single friend of mine we'll call Audi, and I all decided to go out together to a new club in Dallas and get a VIP table. Mr. Never and the guys covered the cost. When we returned that night, everybody either went home or ended up at Mr. Never's house. I was still heavily "divorce smoking" at this time, and I sat outside poolside with Mr. Never and talked for several hours before walking home, which is next door. I didn't think twice about EyeShadow, she had stayed indoors and presumably fallen asleep in Mr. Never's bed.
Gradually, after this night, I saw her around and was always friendly. She seemed wary of me and I wanted her to not be so. I was no threat to her thing with Mr. Never. The three of us went out in Dallas another night when I was meeting a large group of friends, I got to know EyeShadow a little better, and she was seeming more comfortable around me, but mostly we were all just drinking, it wasn't quality time spent.
By Labor Day weekend, Mr. Never had broken up with her. He began reconnecting with another girl from his past, which later fizzled too, and he was less in touch than he'd been in the summer.
Well, EyeShadow and I had things in common, so I thought. She was a divorced mom in her early thirties just like me and she lived so nearby. I figured this was a good time to initiate a friendship. I had also learned that after that night at the club, she had befriended Audi. The three of us being attractive and newly single, I thought we could begin hanging out.
So I went out a few times in the Fall with EyeShadow. She confided about the break up with Mr. Never, she insisted she didn't care and was over it. Even though it seemed they were still in touch. I felt she was hiding something, but I didn't press her. Because Mr. Never had confided in me that he just didn't feel strongly for her, I didn't want to encourage her in any way to continue being open to his advances. EyeShadow was rather hard to read, but she was fun to go out with and she was inclusive as well, she invited me to hang out often.
Here it is, January! I hadn't caught up with Mr. Never in quite some time, as I was busy socializing in Dallas with new friends, well outside of Mr. Never's pool and his favorite neighborhood pub. But one Thursday, I was free and he asked me to get a drink with him. We ended up driving over to the neighborhood pub together. I knew Mr. Never was receiving texts from EyeShadow at the time, and he invited her to join us. She also texted me to ask what I was doing, I encouraged her to come up to the bar. She was apparently on a date with a guy she wasn't interested in, and she was possibly going to come by after they split ways. I wasn't thinking about EyeShadow though, I was involved in a great conversation with Mr. Never about our past relationships and he became vulnerable and revealed a lot of his feelings about his ex-wife. We recalled some of the things that had been going on just next door from each other all these ten years.
At some point, he told me something about his ex that just really touched me. I jumped up from my bar stool and just hugged him and ran my fingers through his hair and kissed him on the cheek. It was just spontaneous and natural, and I was not making out.
Just then, EyeShadow walked in. She looked at us, and spun around and walked right back out. Mr. Never and I just sat there stunned for a few seconds, I wasn't really grasping why she left. My immediate thought was that maybe she left her phone in her car, I really didn't feel that she would have been leaving because of my hug with Mr. Never.
But of course, I am an idiot. She left because she saw me "hanging all over" her ex-boyfriend.
It really was hard for me to empathize, at first. Just because I don't see Mr. Never as her ex-boyfriend. I view Mr. Never as my neighbor and friend of 10 years. I've met a few girls he has dated, but of course, I had never befriended any of them. So all of this is new to me. I felt bad and both Mr. Never and I were texting her and telling her to come back, that we weren't doing anything we wouldn't have done in front of her, that nothing was going on, etc.
She refused, replied with texts saying it was none of her business, that we can go about our business. I felt confused and I wished she would let me explain. But at the same time, I was enjoying my time with Mr. Never, we were talking about things that didn't pertain to her, and her inclusion would have interrupted that. So I was actually glad she didn't join us.
Mr. Never and I had several more drinks, he more than I, then we went to breakfast, then back to his house where I tucked him into bed. He kissed me a lot, but it was very very drunk kissing, he was literally falling asleep in the bed cuddling and kissing me. I was also drunk and felt completely comfortable with whatever at that point. So yes, I am a bad friend. I made out with my friend and neighbor of 10 years, who also happened to be the not-so-recent ex-boyfriend of a girl who I had only recently befriended in between.
I tried to reach out to EyeShadow and be rational. She just replied with some remarks about how we could do what we wanted, he wasn't her boyfriend, it was none of her business, etc. I knew she was mad, so I tried to explain that it wasn't like that and Mr. Never and I are not romantically involved, just care about each other and are friends. She replied with, "none of my friends would hang all over my ex-boyfriend." I could have been more understanding at this point, but I wasn't. I replied with something like, "well because of my long friendship with Mr. Never, I am a different kind of category of friend when it comes to you and he. I don't view him as only your ex, he is more to me than just 'my friend's ex."
Naturally, she didn't like that. At whatever point, I saw that she had deleted me from facebook.
I do feel bad for hurting her, it was selfish of me. But I didn't think she was going to budge and be my friend again. So feeling helpless, I essentially told her that I was willing to talk about it anytime she wished, that I had nothing to hide and that I was not in between anything with she and Mr. Never. That said, I was thinking to myself that in reality, I barely knew this girl and maybe she wasn't a good friend either if she couldn't even discuss with me how she really felt. I chalked it up to an unfortunate (but not terrible) decision on my part and gave up, leaving the door open.
I don't regreat all of it though. I had a great time with Mr. Never that night, I don't want to date him, but I feel close to him and it was a fun time connecting, yes even the somewhat physical playfulness. I am a woman and he is a man, we've been attracted to each other for many years, we have a meaningful friendship, and most importantly, we are single. Things happen. Kissing feels good. Why not let kisses happen?
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