Ahh, people handle crisis so differently....
Not sure what I was thinking, but I posted my blog on my facebook, where SIL is one of my friends. I manipulated the settings on facebook so that only certain people could see that I had listed a website at all. I allowed my SIL to be on this list... I wasn't really thinking it through, I certainly didn't know what was coming.
And well, she read it. And then she notified DH, as if he didn't know I had a blog. He's never bothered to read this, but she did and apparently thought it was worse that I had posted it than the fact that I had been abused by her brother and was coping this way. DH claims he thought I just wrote about mundane motherhood stuff, I know I had told him it was deeper than that, but to his defense, we really hadn't discussed it at length and he's never really asked a lot of me.
She also notified MIL. Truly, I don't mind that they know, imo, they should know and I am not ashamed. They should have confronted DH and asked him wtf had happened. But they never have! I suppose it's too painful or perhaps they truly don't care?? They have never questioned him! If it were my brother, I would have immediately been on the phone asking, "wtf happened? talk to me!" DH's family doesn't talk about problems, that I know of anyway. Perhaps they do in privacy. In my nearly 10 years of experience with them, however, deep issues are swiftly tucked under the perfectly vaccuumed rug. Instead of talking about feelings, they just get over it instead of addressing it head on. Or do they?
So now MIL has told DH that she has always thought I was arrogant (ahh...character assassinating) and that she wants NOTHING to do with me. Oh, is that so? After supposedly loving me as a daughter all of these years, you are suddenly vilifying me because I wrote a paragraph about my disappointment in you in November? I have an imaginary gag order now?? Now that you know what your son has done to me, you hate me for acknowledging it, for speaking frankly about a difficult subject, for the desire to clarify what I have endured? Perhaps you think I deserved it because I was always so ungrateful and arrogant?
Well, after speaking to MIL, DH was angry too, with me and the whole situation my blog had incited. He began to tell me that I was just looking for sympathy (to which I said, well...maybe I am!!) and that I am just as much as fault for the demise of the relationship as he is. Then he threatened to start a blog detailing how much I suck at housecleaning and such. Seriously. He said that those things are just as important to him as being treated with kindness are to me. He said, as he has before in anger, that I "drove" him to the affair and that he abused me verbally because he can't deal with what a horrible person I am.
I let him read the part of my blog that mentioned MIL. It was from the post titled, Worst Day Ever, in Nov. 2008. He pointed out that it was sarcastic, but not so bad and understandable considering what I was dealing with on that day. I'd had some tough breaks, MIL could cut me some slack, in other words.
Well, by the next day he had totally calmed down and was back to the "I love you's." He even talked to MIL, she wasn't budging. He told me she said something that struck him like a lightning bolt, she literally told him that I should have "sucked it up" instead of blogging my feelings for anyone to see.
DH surprised me then. He sighed and said his mom just didn't know any other way to handle it, and he understood why she was hurt, but that ultimately he realized without someone else telling him so, that his mom was wrong. He said, "what if I had broken your bones? would she expect you to suck it up then??" "Sucking it up" is not an indicator of strength, it's a coping mechanism for sure and can be effective, but it's a better indicator of cowardice. I cried and cried, how validating. And I wasn't even seeking this. I never wanted to drive a wedge between DH and his family. He knows this.
DH gets it. That means a lot to me. He doesn't "like" that I have a blog, but he accepts why it's being written. Out of courtesy, I did temporarily make this blog private so that uninvited readers cannot see it.
Sure, he'll rage at me again for something else, even this again, someday. But he always comes back to rational if I stay firm but tempered, expressinf vulnerability, humility and forgiveness at the same time. I withheld judgment of his mother and sister, instead of saying they were mean witches, I said they are possibly just emotionally repressed and they just don't get it like DH and I do. I forgive them already. Even though DH did all this stuff to me, the verbal abuse, the infidelity, the neglect...he understands the gravity. He really does. If the in-laws don't, that's out of my control.
I am very proud of DH today. Too little too late though. Too bad we have to get divorced. Maybe if he can fix this problem of his and we are both single as we approach our 40's.... :-)
peace and love to in-laws everywhere.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Funny what doesn't work
I have been going through my filing cabinet and splitting up our files. I am nowhere near done, but I started pulling out unneccessary paper clutter and my throw away pile is heavy! It's enough for tonight.
Just came across some of those old written letters/memoirs that I used to write before I had my sons whenever DH would hurt my feelings. I found the one from 2002 that said something about how he had yelled at me for something I did wrong when I ran errands for his smoothie store one Saturday afternoon. In it, I detailed what lead up to the tension, and I also wrote a prophetic remark that went something like, "I'm only 27, if you aren't going to get help and stop this behavior, we should really just split up while I am still young." As if it's all over at age 30, right? Have I blogged about that one before? *sigh*
Anyway, my point is this: My 27 year old self was truly naive. First of all, for thinking that my loooong, wordy, boring, articulate, passionate, detailed, heartfelt letter was going to be read with keen interest from any man. Second, for thinking that my husband in particular would somehow read my words and have this sudden "aha" moment. He was about 30 at the time...if he didn't "get it" by then, what was I thinking was going to happen? f-ing magic? And no offense, but words are for women. My girlfriends might have read my letter and really felt my pain, I think most guys would look at it and just cringe and call me crazy.
It's laughable on all points. What was really in my mind? I guess I was still really in awe of DH at that time, our marriage was about 4 years old then. I still thought he was really a great catch and all.
I did nothing wrong by writing the letters, but with a verbal abuser there is nothing I could have done to stop him from behaving that way, even if miraculously, he had poured over them and shed tears. Or if someone can do something, there's no way I would have known that then, when I still wholeheartedly believed in him. I wrote down my feelings for him to read (and often he would angrily crumple up and toss away the paper without even a glance!). I am stunned at how much time I wasted sharing my thoughts. DH is no bleeding heart, and I knew it!
I blogged about my HS boyfriend before... T was 16 and while I laugh at those silly letters now, he was really good for a guy his age at articulating his thoughts and feelings for me, numerous times over our nearly 3 year relationship. DH is about to be 37 and never wrote more than a short paragraph to me in ten years.
Simply put, it's funny that I tried for so long to reach DH with writing. When he was verbally abusive, all that needed to be said was that his behavior was absolutely unacceptable. But just telling him that wasn't working! I knew he wouldn't listen to me in person, so I sadly wrote it down because it was my only hope. It didn't work. It didn't make things worse, either, except that the history is still here now, on notebook paper, right in front of me.
Reminding me that I was really miserably working on fixing the relationship for a long, long time. I could cry until I laugh, or laugh until I cry.
I really wasted some youth on this man, wow.
Just came across some of those old written letters/memoirs that I used to write before I had my sons whenever DH would hurt my feelings. I found the one from 2002 that said something about how he had yelled at me for something I did wrong when I ran errands for his smoothie store one Saturday afternoon. In it, I detailed what lead up to the tension, and I also wrote a prophetic remark that went something like, "I'm only 27, if you aren't going to get help and stop this behavior, we should really just split up while I am still young." As if it's all over at age 30, right? Have I blogged about that one before? *sigh*
Anyway, my point is this: My 27 year old self was truly naive. First of all, for thinking that my loooong, wordy, boring, articulate, passionate, detailed, heartfelt letter was going to be read with keen interest from any man. Second, for thinking that my husband in particular would somehow read my words and have this sudden "aha" moment. He was about 30 at the time...if he didn't "get it" by then, what was I thinking was going to happen? f-ing magic? And no offense, but words are for women. My girlfriends might have read my letter and really felt my pain, I think most guys would look at it and just cringe and call me crazy.
It's laughable on all points. What was really in my mind? I guess I was still really in awe of DH at that time, our marriage was about 4 years old then. I still thought he was really a great catch and all.
I did nothing wrong by writing the letters, but with a verbal abuser there is nothing I could have done to stop him from behaving that way, even if miraculously, he had poured over them and shed tears. Or if someone can do something, there's no way I would have known that then, when I still wholeheartedly believed in him. I wrote down my feelings for him to read (and often he would angrily crumple up and toss away the paper without even a glance!). I am stunned at how much time I wasted sharing my thoughts. DH is no bleeding heart, and I knew it!
I blogged about my HS boyfriend before... T was 16 and while I laugh at those silly letters now, he was really good for a guy his age at articulating his thoughts and feelings for me, numerous times over our nearly 3 year relationship. DH is about to be 37 and never wrote more than a short paragraph to me in ten years.
Simply put, it's funny that I tried for so long to reach DH with writing. When he was verbally abusive, all that needed to be said was that his behavior was absolutely unacceptable. But just telling him that wasn't working! I knew he wouldn't listen to me in person, so I sadly wrote it down because it was my only hope. It didn't work. It didn't make things worse, either, except that the history is still here now, on notebook paper, right in front of me.
Reminding me that I was really miserably working on fixing the relationship for a long, long time. I could cry until I laugh, or laugh until I cry.
I really wasted some youth on this man, wow.
Friday, June 12, 2009
6/12/99
Hi.
Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. Or non-anniversary, really.
On Saturday, June 12th in 1999 I was in Las Vegas with DH. I was secure and happy and excited. DH was madly in love with me and I was completely swept away.
The past six months had been a whirlwind! In December of 1998, I had finally ended a seemingly neverending 8 month long non-exclusive relationship with a complete cad. The story of that relationship's demise is jaw-dropping unneccessary absurdity worthy of it's own blog.
In February of 1999, I met DH. He had seen me hanging around some of his friends and had wanted to meet me. He was not my usual type, I had always preferred counter-culture individual types, I had never paid serious romantic attention to the popular frat boy types before, though I had numerous platonic friendships with them. I liked an edgier guy then, but the aforementioned relationship was causing me to open my mind a bit to other "types." DH was 26, above average mainstream straight-laced sort, in an established career, he took me out on real dates and we had a great dynamic from the start. But after we dated a few weeks, he suddenly backed away from me for about a week. I didn't call him, but I was completely hurt and was left wondering what I had done wrong. I hadn't been clingy, I had been happy and friendly and carefree, and he had seemed absolutely blown away. So not wanting to analyze my apparent misinterpretations of cues, I wrote him off in my mind, thinking I should have known better than to date a frat boy. I went out with my friends on a Saturday night. Later, at our mutual friends apartment, I ran into DH. He didn't speak to me or even look at me, just sat quietly on a sofa (very unlike him). My friend and I didn't stay long, I was very uncomfortable and foolish. I am sure I cried at some point before going to sleep.
That night, around 4AM, DH called me. He was drunk and kept saying, "I'm a dick. I'm so sorry. Are you mad at me? Do you still want to see me?" I admitted I wasn't happy that he'd pulled away from me, but I said that I would still see him. He called me the next day and every day after that, and we continued to see each other a few times a week. He was winsomely vulnerable and admitted that I scared him. I don't know why I scared him, maybe he hadn't really met a deep girl before. But whatever it was about me was no game, I was myself completely, if slightly wary and guarded.
One weekend, DH traveled to New Orleans for a bachelor party with his college friends. I went out locally and ran into our mutual single guy friends. I also met a very cute and funny guy, he was a medical student from New York *supposedly. We were by each others side all night having great conversation and dancing. Little did I know, one of those mutual single guy friends decided to call DH in New Orleans and tell him I was hanging out with some guy. DH called me, again around 4AM and drunk. He wanted to know who the guy was, said he didn't want me to see other guys, he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I said I'd think about it, but we should talk about that when he's back in town. Then he said he loved me. I told myself if he said it again when he wasn't drunk that I would believe it. And he did. So we became exclusive. And by May, he asked me to marry him.
I never cared less in my life about big weddings and all the fluff. DH didn't care either. So he arranged for us to get married in Las Vegas two weeks later.
And that was 6/12/1999. I was 23 and I thought I knew everything and that everything was perfect and that we would never abandon one another, ever. DH promised to take care of me and someday let me be a stay at home mom with lots of babies. He fulfilled that promise, it came at a cost.
It was worth it too, I have two beautiful young boys to raise with DH. He is a good father *for now. But I'm finally done being that self sacrificing wife. I never wanted to give up on DH, I still feel guilt in doing so, but over half of my marriage was spent hanging on by my fingernails on the edge of a cliff while DH wouldn't even turn around and look at me, much less pull me up...he had pushed me off, after all. He broke my heart because he allowed himself to have contempt for me, verbally abuse me, sleep with other women, even made a pass at a friend or two, and never worked to establish trust. He couldn't just be on my side. I accept him the way he is, but I will never understand why it was so difficult for him to just not speak unkindly. Why he threw a relationship with me away like garbage....when he invested so much kind effort in those who don't even know him. I would never do these things to anybody, much less the person to whom I had devoted my life.
I could have him back, I could "save" my marriage. I don't even want to... because I couldn't "save" him no matter what I did.
Ten years. Significant amount of time, but I am not sad! I took my time getting here, but it's the strangest cool measure of indifference. Things he does still affect me, but to such a lesser degree than I expected. I feel such a sense of acceptance and humor. The world is too fragile for anger, I just love him....as something other than my husband and definitely other than romantic. I refuse to let this become some tragedy.
On 6/12/2007, DH and I discussed divorce over our 8th anniversary dinner. Just days before, I had confessed to him that I knew we wouldn't be together much longer.
On 6/12/2008, I was having a drink with a male friend and essentially telling him that DH and I had a good partnership. DH went out for drinks with his friends, though now I suspect he went out to see Ta Ta. DH and I went to a dinner and movie to "celebrate" the following weekend and he called me a few names. And I just laughed until I cried, or vice versa.
Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. Or non-anniversary, really.
On Saturday, June 12th in 1999 I was in Las Vegas with DH. I was secure and happy and excited. DH was madly in love with me and I was completely swept away.
The past six months had been a whirlwind! In December of 1998, I had finally ended a seemingly neverending 8 month long non-exclusive relationship with a complete cad. The story of that relationship's demise is jaw-dropping unneccessary absurdity worthy of it's own blog.
In February of 1999, I met DH. He had seen me hanging around some of his friends and had wanted to meet me. He was not my usual type, I had always preferred counter-culture individual types, I had never paid serious romantic attention to the popular frat boy types before, though I had numerous platonic friendships with them. I liked an edgier guy then, but the aforementioned relationship was causing me to open my mind a bit to other "types." DH was 26, above average mainstream straight-laced sort, in an established career, he took me out on real dates and we had a great dynamic from the start. But after we dated a few weeks, he suddenly backed away from me for about a week. I didn't call him, but I was completely hurt and was left wondering what I had done wrong. I hadn't been clingy, I had been happy and friendly and carefree, and he had seemed absolutely blown away. So not wanting to analyze my apparent misinterpretations of cues, I wrote him off in my mind, thinking I should have known better than to date a frat boy. I went out with my friends on a Saturday night. Later, at our mutual friends apartment, I ran into DH. He didn't speak to me or even look at me, just sat quietly on a sofa (very unlike him). My friend and I didn't stay long, I was very uncomfortable and foolish. I am sure I cried at some point before going to sleep.
That night, around 4AM, DH called me. He was drunk and kept saying, "I'm a dick. I'm so sorry. Are you mad at me? Do you still want to see me?" I admitted I wasn't happy that he'd pulled away from me, but I said that I would still see him. He called me the next day and every day after that, and we continued to see each other a few times a week. He was winsomely vulnerable and admitted that I scared him. I don't know why I scared him, maybe he hadn't really met a deep girl before. But whatever it was about me was no game, I was myself completely, if slightly wary and guarded.
One weekend, DH traveled to New Orleans for a bachelor party with his college friends. I went out locally and ran into our mutual single guy friends. I also met a very cute and funny guy, he was a medical student from New York *supposedly. We were by each others side all night having great conversation and dancing. Little did I know, one of those mutual single guy friends decided to call DH in New Orleans and tell him I was hanging out with some guy. DH called me, again around 4AM and drunk. He wanted to know who the guy was, said he didn't want me to see other guys, he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I said I'd think about it, but we should talk about that when he's back in town. Then he said he loved me. I told myself if he said it again when he wasn't drunk that I would believe it. And he did. So we became exclusive. And by May, he asked me to marry him.
I never cared less in my life about big weddings and all the fluff. DH didn't care either. So he arranged for us to get married in Las Vegas two weeks later.
And that was 6/12/1999. I was 23 and I thought I knew everything and that everything was perfect and that we would never abandon one another, ever. DH promised to take care of me and someday let me be a stay at home mom with lots of babies. He fulfilled that promise, it came at a cost.
It was worth it too, I have two beautiful young boys to raise with DH. He is a good father *for now. But I'm finally done being that self sacrificing wife. I never wanted to give up on DH, I still feel guilt in doing so, but over half of my marriage was spent hanging on by my fingernails on the edge of a cliff while DH wouldn't even turn around and look at me, much less pull me up...he had pushed me off, after all. He broke my heart because he allowed himself to have contempt for me, verbally abuse me, sleep with other women, even made a pass at a friend or two, and never worked to establish trust. He couldn't just be on my side. I accept him the way he is, but I will never understand why it was so difficult for him to just not speak unkindly. Why he threw a relationship with me away like garbage....when he invested so much kind effort in those who don't even know him. I would never do these things to anybody, much less the person to whom I had devoted my life.
I could have him back, I could "save" my marriage. I don't even want to... because I couldn't "save" him no matter what I did.
Ten years. Significant amount of time, but I am not sad! I took my time getting here, but it's the strangest cool measure of indifference. Things he does still affect me, but to such a lesser degree than I expected. I feel such a sense of acceptance and humor. The world is too fragile for anger, I just love him....as something other than my husband and definitely other than romantic. I refuse to let this become some tragedy.
On 6/12/2007, DH and I discussed divorce over our 8th anniversary dinner. Just days before, I had confessed to him that I knew we wouldn't be together much longer.
On 6/12/2008, I was having a drink with a male friend and essentially telling him that DH and I had a good partnership. DH went out for drinks with his friends, though now I suspect he went out to see Ta Ta. DH and I went to a dinner and movie to "celebrate" the following weekend and he called me a few names. And I just laughed until I cried, or vice versa.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
aha, I'm an imbecile again
Hadn't heard this one in a while. Ha.
Yes, DH was at the house tonight visiting the boys. I had an item that was taking up space and belonged to a female neighbor down the street, so I ran it down to her and spent probably 20 minutes speaking with her.
I knew DH wouldn't be happy with me, but it really wasn't any of his business. It was his time with the kids, and frankly, since he's not yet at a point where he has a place to take them overnight, I was relishing my brief free time.
He yelled at me in front of the boys. Not just yelled, spoke hatefully and made numerous character assassinations. I think he called me selfish, stupid, worthless was definitely said a lot, "I can do so much better than you," annoying, lazy, etc...
After the boys went to bed, he was on my computer at "his" desk looking for tax documents, he'd filed an extension and was meeting with his accountant the next morning. He went to print something off of our old and about to crash laptop and the document would no print our of our personal accounting software. DH spent well over an hour trying to get the print job to work. I asked him why not just write the item down, I asked why it mattered if it were typed because our personal accounting software is in no way some sort of official database.
He snarled that he doesn't like to do things half-ass and "inefficient" like me. I don't know how efficient it is to stay up until 1AM just to not be able to print an unofficial document, but whatever! I laughed him off, he continued to make really cruel and heartless remarks. I still laughed, though still in a sort of shock, at the same time crying softly, "how can you say those things to me so carelessly?" Later on, after he figured out a workaround for the tax item, he kissed me on the head and asked me how I put up with him all the time, and said he was sorry.
I just smiled and said, "Because I know you and I know you love me and I love you too. Just don't want to be your wife."
So glad I'm divorcing him. Affirmations abound.
Yes, DH was at the house tonight visiting the boys. I had an item that was taking up space and belonged to a female neighbor down the street, so I ran it down to her and spent probably 20 minutes speaking with her.
I knew DH wouldn't be happy with me, but it really wasn't any of his business. It was his time with the kids, and frankly, since he's not yet at a point where he has a place to take them overnight, I was relishing my brief free time.
He yelled at me in front of the boys. Not just yelled, spoke hatefully and made numerous character assassinations. I think he called me selfish, stupid, worthless was definitely said a lot, "I can do so much better than you," annoying, lazy, etc...
After the boys went to bed, he was on my computer at "his" desk looking for tax documents, he'd filed an extension and was meeting with his accountant the next morning. He went to print something off of our old and about to crash laptop and the document would no print our of our personal accounting software. DH spent well over an hour trying to get the print job to work. I asked him why not just write the item down, I asked why it mattered if it were typed because our personal accounting software is in no way some sort of official database.
He snarled that he doesn't like to do things half-ass and "inefficient" like me. I don't know how efficient it is to stay up until 1AM just to not be able to print an unofficial document, but whatever! I laughed him off, he continued to make really cruel and heartless remarks. I still laughed, though still in a sort of shock, at the same time crying softly, "how can you say those things to me so carelessly?" Later on, after he figured out a workaround for the tax item, he kissed me on the head and asked me how I put up with him all the time, and said he was sorry.
I just smiled and said, "Because I know you and I know you love me and I love you too. Just don't want to be your wife."
So glad I'm divorcing him. Affirmations abound.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
words I've endured from DH
As my 10th anniversary approaches, divorce paperwork almost completed, I thought I would share this little list... Truly, I find the humor in it. It's quite absurd to even imagine, isn't it? And I am so glad it's the past.
Worthless
Ugly
Stupid
Moron
Fat
Slob
Brainless *like the time I bought the wrong size carton of strawberries for the smoothie store
Idiot
"I hate you"
"I can't f-ing stand you"
Terrible wife
Terrible mother
Loser with no friends
"everyone hates you"
"your friends can't stand you"
"my family hates you"
"even your family hates you"
"all my friends think I am better off without you"
"all my friends think you are bitchy" *...so?? of course they do, they don't know.
"Bottomfeeder raised by pot smoking hippies!" *they only smoked pot before I came along.
annoying
nag
lazy
failure in life
"I never had any problems with anger before you"
"You are the worst thing that's ever happened to me"
"I want to hit you in the head so hard that your head rolls on the ground"
"I f-ed her because she let me and I wanted to. I did it because I wanted to hurt YOU!"
"I can do better than you"
"You can't do anything right"
miserable
pathetic
"stop f-ing crying!!! get off your ass, suck it up you f-ing little baby!"
....just sayin'
Worthless
Ugly
Stupid
Moron
Fat
Slob
Brainless *like the time I bought the wrong size carton of strawberries for the smoothie store
Idiot
"I hate you"
"I can't f-ing stand you"
Terrible wife
Terrible mother
Loser with no friends
"everyone hates you"
"your friends can't stand you"
"my family hates you"
"even your family hates you"
"all my friends think I am better off without you"
"all my friends think you are bitchy" *...so?? of course they do, they don't know.
"Bottomfeeder raised by pot smoking hippies!" *they only smoked pot before I came along.
annoying
nag
lazy
failure in life
"I never had any problems with anger before you"
"You are the worst thing that's ever happened to me"
"I want to hit you in the head so hard that your head rolls on the ground"
"I f-ed her because she let me and I wanted to. I did it because I wanted to hurt YOU!"
"I can do better than you"
"You can't do anything right"
miserable
pathetic
"stop f-ing crying!!! get off your ass, suck it up you f-ing little baby!"
....just sayin'
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