6/12/99

Hi.

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. Or non-anniversary, really.

On Saturday, June 12th in 1999 I was in Las Vegas with DH. I was secure and happy and excited. DH was madly in love with me and I was completely swept away.

The past six months had been a whirlwind! In December of 1998, I had finally ended a seemingly neverending 8 month long non-exclusive relationship with a complete cad. The story of that relationship's demise is jaw-dropping unneccessary absurdity worthy of it's own blog.

In February of 1999, I met DH. He had seen me hanging around some of his friends and had wanted to meet me. He was not my usual type, I had always preferred counter-culture individual types, I had never paid serious romantic attention to the popular frat boy types before, though I had numerous platonic friendships with them. I liked an edgier guy then, but the aforementioned relationship was causing me to open my mind a bit to other "types." DH was 26, above average mainstream straight-laced sort, in an established career, he took me out on real dates and we had a great dynamic from the start. But after we dated a few weeks, he suddenly backed away from me for about a week. I didn't call him, but I was completely hurt and was left wondering what I had done wrong. I hadn't been clingy, I had been happy and friendly and carefree, and he had seemed absolutely blown away. So not wanting to analyze my apparent misinterpretations of cues, I wrote him off in my mind, thinking I should have known better than to date a frat boy. I went out with my friends on a Saturday night. Later, at our mutual friends apartment, I ran into DH. He didn't speak to me or even look at me, just sat quietly on a sofa (very unlike him). My friend and I didn't stay long, I was very uncomfortable and foolish. I am sure I cried at some point before going to sleep.

That night, around 4AM, DH called me. He was drunk and kept saying, "I'm a dick. I'm so sorry. Are you mad at me? Do you still want to see me?" I admitted I wasn't happy that he'd pulled away from me, but I said that I would still see him. He called me the next day and every day after that, and we continued to see each other a few times a week. He was winsomely vulnerable and admitted that I scared him. I don't know why I scared him, maybe he hadn't really met a deep girl before. But whatever it was about me was no game, I was myself completely, if slightly wary and guarded.

One weekend, DH traveled to New Orleans for a bachelor party with his college friends. I went out locally and ran into our mutual single guy friends. I also met a very cute and funny guy, he was a medical student from New York *supposedly. We were by each others side all night having great conversation and dancing. Little did I know, one of those mutual single guy friends decided to call DH in New Orleans and tell him I was hanging out with some guy. DH called me, again around 4AM and drunk. He wanted to know who the guy was, said he didn't want me to see other guys, he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I said I'd think about it, but we should talk about that when he's back in town. Then he said he loved me. I told myself if he said it again when he wasn't drunk that I would believe it. And he did. So we became exclusive. And by May, he asked me to marry him.

I never cared less in my life about big weddings and all the fluff. DH didn't care either. So he arranged for us to get married in Las Vegas two weeks later.

And that was 6/12/1999. I was 23 and I thought I knew everything and that everything was perfect and that we would never abandon one another, ever. DH promised to take care of me and someday let me be a stay at home mom with lots of babies. He fulfilled that promise, it came at a cost.

It was worth it too, I have two beautiful young boys to raise with DH. He is a good father *for now. But I'm finally done being that self sacrificing wife. I never wanted to give up on DH, I still feel guilt in doing so, but over half of my marriage was spent hanging on by my fingernails on the edge of a cliff while DH wouldn't even turn around and look at me, much less pull me up...he had pushed me off, after all. He broke my heart because he allowed himself to have contempt for me, verbally abuse me, sleep with other women, even made a pass at a friend or two, and never worked to establish trust. He couldn't just be on my side. I accept him the way he is, but I will never understand why it was so difficult for him to just not speak unkindly. Why he threw a relationship with me away like garbage....when he invested so much kind effort in those who don't even know him. I would never do these things to anybody, much less the person to whom I had devoted my life.

I could have him back, I could "save" my marriage. I don't even want to... because I couldn't "save" him no matter what I did.

Ten years. Significant amount of time, but I am not sad! I took my time getting here, but it's the strangest cool measure of indifference. Things he does still affect me, but to such a lesser degree than I expected. I feel such a sense of acceptance and humor. The world is too fragile for anger, I just love him....as something other than my husband and definitely other than romantic. I refuse to let this become some tragedy.

On 6/12/2007, DH and I discussed divorce over our 8th anniversary dinner. Just days before, I had confessed to him that I knew we wouldn't be together much longer.

On 6/12/2008, I was having a drink with a male friend and essentially telling him that DH and I had a good partnership. DH went out for drinks with his friends, though now I suspect he went out to see Ta Ta. DH and I went to a dinner and movie to "celebrate" the following weekend and he called me a few names. And I just laughed until I cried, or vice versa.