I was SHY, but I had a boyfriend

I was the girl in grade school who didn't talk. I went to an affluent private school with about 60 students per class. It wasn't like I could just blend in and nobody would notice, we had all known each other since Kindergarten. The other students did notice my shyness, it was a hot topic and I an easy target. I recall that in about 7th grade, the quintessential class clown started a daily routine of smiling and shouting at me, "shut up Andrea!" or "Don't talk to me, Andrea!!!" as he would pass me in the hall. It was both mortifying and funny, somewhat nice to have the attention, but I still couldn't say anything back to him! The cat had my tongue. I stuck close to my 2 or 3 girl friends who weren't especially popular and I didn't talk to anyone else. Both of my parents were, and still are, shy and socially awkward. So they were no help, I had to teach myself to break the mold.

Somehow, after being flattered and then feeling the ick and immediately breaking up with numerous boys, I got a boyfriend, T who was 14, nearly a year younger than I was. It started off rocky. We were set up by friends and I was not overly impressed by T's appearance or aloof attitude or his reputation as a player. I was dating an adorably insecure 8th grade skater, C, at the time and I really liked him and felt loyal to him. But we hardly saw each other, neither of us could drive anywhere. My friends liked T better and somehow pushed us together one night when I was really drunk. And there I lost my virginity. I felt incredibly guilty, I did NOT want to date T, and was going to tell skater boy C, but T's stupid friends told him first. So he instead of addressing it or getting angry with me, C called me, quietly dumped me and I accepted it. I was resilient more than indignant. I just thought I would give him a few months and then call him and win him back...I could explain how this happened and knew he really liked me and we were better than this stupid mistake I made and friend-meddling nonsense. But then I was grounded all summer for getting caught skipping night school with my mischievious and lawless friends, so I couldn't do anything and for some of the time I was grounded from the phone as well. T didn't call me anyway. He was not about to admit how much he liked me, he was popular with girls (i.e. not what I am usually attracted to) and had some chickenbrained semi-ex girlfriend chasing him like a wild beast ...and I wasn't about to compete for his affection. But I was lonely and bored and it was the end of the summer. So randomly, I just called T one night. And like nothing, seemingly instantly, somehow T became my boyfriend for the next 2.5 years.

T was suddenly crazy in love with me and we saw each other as much as possible for being so young. I started 10th grade with a boyfriend, which was kind of weird because nice and well-mannered preppy boys were finally paying a little more attention to me. T went to a public school on the less affluent side of town. I always told T what was going on, if someone kissed me at a party...I would tell him...that only happened a couple times. I didn't initiate any of it, drunk teenaged boys are well, sometimes aggressive! I learned really early that drinking and going to parties without the significant other can do a lot of damage to a relationship. I quit doing that and so did T, we hung out with mutual friends when we partied. T stayed with me and trusted completely, as he should, and by the time I could drive, our lives revolved around each other. He knew me and I knew him and he wasn't afraid to tell me how he felt.

Looking back now, I think that his vulnerability at such a young age is so endearing! I know men who are 40 who are unable to articulate their feelings so well. T was barely 16.

Having a boyfriend throughout the majority of high school instead of a social life with single teenaged friends was definitely an education to me. Having to "go there" and have difficult conversations, deal with responsibility to each other, respect and listen and all of that. I had that down before I was even 17, I was still shy and hadn't beaten social awkwardness, but I had a deeper skill of close communication and trust building. It was a good relationship for the most part, he was somewhat possessive and jealous, but he rarely had reason to be because I was very loyal and I would tell him everything, even if he didn't like to hear that someone had shown interest in me. He did get angry at me sometimes for minor disagreements...but tolerably so, nothing relative to DH.

T and I just grew apart, he was satisfied with a lot less than I wanted and he wasn't growing up with me and we fought about it. He also started hanging out with a bad crowd. And when things were on the downslope, he did cheat on me and forget to tell me about it for 3 months, which drove a huge wedge between us. I was shattered for a while and he was so attentive and apologetic while he was afraid I would leave, but I slowly grew to resent him for all the other life choices as well. So I finally broke up with him in the Spring of my senior year just as soon as the first cute boy showed interest in me. T didn't take it well. He cried for weeks, literally. He started off angry and mean, and I would let him vent to me, but he sank into depression that lasted a long time, his mother told me he wasn't even eating! He dated other girls immediately, not even half as attractive or as sharp as I was, not that I would have been jealous anyway. And of course, they weren't cute, so they loved him even with his lackings...and he needed that. But it wasn't enough, he was still trying to get me back during weak moments. And sometimes I would agree to it. Only to end it again 2 weeks later. It was just done. I remember the last time we hung out too. It was nice, but I didn't feel attached. I was laughing at him for trying so hard to be distant with me. I decided that even though he had ultimately betrayed me in the relationship and bailed on me before I finally ended it with definitiveness, it was cruel to hang out with him any longer as "friends" because it was obviously giving him hope and he wasn't seeing the fun in my comfortable flirtations anymore. He called from time to time, usually when in between girlfriends, just to catch up. Each time I would smile and think how far I had come, and yet how much I had learned from having a real relationship so early in adult life. It definitely gave me an advantage, an innate knowledge of what I will tolerate, how to love another person, how I should behave, how to be open and respectful, what is acceptable to me and what isn't.

And my marriage with DH was over 3x longer than this relationship with T...and yet all kinds of parallels. Even now... as I come to the phase that begins with deciding it was cruel...

~peace


:-)