return

I'm back to writing. I've really missed this... not the relationship though. I'm so happy to be over a year beyond the initial seperation in '08. Here it is mid-March 2010, just a year ago I was still a stay-at-home mom, I was taking an online class, I was separated, I had gone on one date which was just enough for my dignity at the moment, and I was frantically trying to finesse DH to agree to my (very fair) divorce terms rather than pay an attorney to take us to trial. Even if I was risking my financial security, I was determined to do it with style and class myself, to have said I tried to do it civilly. I was making a calculated bet based on heart and on the man I knew for 9 years, I put myself at his mercy believing that he would humbly recognize the gravity and do what was easiest for him to do. Throughout it all, I constantly told him I was so proud of him for being civil, even though inside I felt raw with knowing that aside from picking apart certain tasks, proud was the polar opposite of the pitiful, dreadful and sad feelings I felt for him. I am so glad I am not wired to be wounded as he. It must hurt to dislike yourself and suppress pain only to inflict it on others. It must come at a great cost and for that I truly feel for him. I do still love him after all.

I was busy and stressed with the kids for no unordinary reasons, I hadn't begun looking for a job and although I had this sense everything would be alright, I was just on the edge of spiralling doubt. And everything DID work out okay.

A year later, I have a job of 6 months that I really enjoy, I've met better men than DH, and some worse, I've made new friends and (involuntarily) rid myself of a couple toxic ones. I have let go of expectations of perfection, yet I won't stand for certain disrespect. I'm *surprise* an adult and I actually feel like this is not a fraudulent statement for once.

I've noticed a change in myself too, maybe this was already there, but the reocognition gradual. I've become an extrovert. Inside, I still feel socially awkward like I was as a child and teen, but somehow I fight through it and I embrace it rather than try to pretend the tendency doesn't exist. And here I am, 34 years old and this is who I am now. I don't think I've been "shy" for over a decade now. Yet somehow it's still how I immediately think of myself and how I initially expect people to see me.

So the blog is public again.

I am no longer concerned if family members should read my words, though I vividly recall the pain I felt when they temporarily vilified me over the summer, prompting me to close off access to this site. If they do remember this site and happen to seek it and read it someday, I can take the heat. I wish they would listen and understand what happened to me, but I am not interested in fighting to have their ears. My divorce has been final for several months and I won't be threatened now that I am ~95% independent. Should they feel any sort of animosity, I can only apologize and assert that I never wanted to hurt anyone and that's not the intent of this blog at all. I love my in-laws forever, I miss them, and that's just that. I feel that they disapprove of me and misunderstand my approach, but that's okay with me, I must shrug and go on.

These aforementioned events I describe here, these emotionally-shattering things, were done to me. No one will ever convince me that I deserved it or that this was some sort of cliche 50/50 situation. I accept that there are probably behaviors I could have tried that might have contained the issues, but well.. that "how-to manual" wasn't handed to me at the wedding chapel. I did my best, I tried to do what I thought was right, I fought for us, I argued fairly, I didn't take easy shots, I was achingly rational-learned behavior, as his anger only increased when I shed tears! And it still didn't stop him. My best did not work. I never hurt him. I never betrayed him. I gave 9 of my best years to him. I gave him beautiful children that have enhanced his life, which in my opinion, was rather meaningless before me. He loved me, yes, but he also hated me. I chose to walk away from both because I could no longer endure the pain of the hate.

And I'm still healing. I still don't know what's right sometimes. I freeze when I don't know what to do next with a man, especially one who is charming... this reminds me of DH. I grow suspicious and I back away, spooked. I don't wish to be fooled again. I'm open and honest about what happened... yet vulnerability is suppressed.

I have to believe that this is all just part of it, and although I am far less frantic on the inside about what the future holds, I wonder if now is all as it must be in order to be ready for whatever is supposed to happen next.

:)