Funny what doesn't work

I have been going through my filing cabinet and splitting up our files. I am nowhere near done, but I started pulling out unneccessary paper clutter and my throw away pile is heavy! It's enough for tonight.

Just came across some of those old written letters/memoirs that I used to write before I had my sons whenever DH would hurt my feelings. I found the one from 2002 that said something about how he had yelled at me for something I did wrong when I ran errands for his smoothie store one Saturday afternoon. In it, I detailed what lead up to the tension, and I also wrote a prophetic remark that went something like, "I'm only 27, if you aren't going to get help and stop this behavior, we should really just split up while I am still young." As if it's all over at age 30, right? Have I blogged about that one before? *sigh*

Anyway, my point is this: My 27 year old self was truly naive. First of all, for thinking that my loooong, wordy, boring, articulate, passionate, detailed, heartfelt letter was going to be read with keen interest from any man. Second, for thinking that my husband in particular would somehow read my words and have this sudden "aha" moment. He was about 30 at the time...if he didn't "get it" by then, what was I thinking was going to happen? f-ing magic? And no offense, but words are for women. My girlfriends might have read my letter and really felt my pain, I think most guys would look at it and just cringe and call me crazy.

It's laughable on all points. What was really in my mind? I guess I was still really in awe of DH at that time, our marriage was about 4 years old then. I still thought he was really a great catch and all.

I did nothing wrong by writing the letters, but with a verbal abuser there is nothing I could have done to stop him from behaving that way, even if miraculously, he had poured over them and shed tears. Or if someone can do something, there's no way I would have known that then, when I still wholeheartedly believed in him. I wrote down my feelings for him to read (and often he would angrily crumple up and toss away the paper without even a glance!). I am stunned at how much time I wasted sharing my thoughts. DH is no bleeding heart, and I knew it!

I blogged about my HS boyfriend before... T was 16 and while I laugh at those silly letters now, he was really good for a guy his age at articulating his thoughts and feelings for me, numerous times over our nearly 3 year relationship. DH is about to be 37 and never wrote more than a short paragraph to me in ten years.

Simply put, it's funny that I tried for so long to reach DH with writing. When he was verbally abusive, all that needed to be said was that his behavior was absolutely unacceptable. But just telling him that wasn't working! I knew he wouldn't listen to me in person, so I sadly wrote it down because it was my only hope. It didn't work. It didn't make things worse, either, except that the history is still here now, on notebook paper, right in front of me.

Reminding me that I was really miserably working on fixing the relationship for a long, long time. I could cry until I laugh, or laugh until I cry.

I really wasted some youth on this man, wow.