Boo's day of birth

I was feeling real contractions all night before Boo was due to born, via induction. I was pleased that maybe instead of having to use Pitocin, I could deliver Boo naturally, but the contractions came gradually all night and by morning, were about 30 minutes apart. I basically didn't sleep all night, but I was feeling good, ready to have this baby.

Mom was in town to care for Beeb, so DH and I were leaving them at the house while I was at the hospital. Since I was already awake, I was up and showered and ready to go to the hospital with plenty of time before my scheduled induction at 7AM. DH and I were pulling out of the driveway and I remembered that I forgot to show mom where the stroller was so she could take Beeb for a walk later. I asked him to stop and let me out so I could run in and let her know...

He snapped!

DH began griping that we were already late (we weren't late at all) and that it wasn't important and basically insisting that I not go inside to tell my mom about the stroller because it wasn't important. I was sassy and I remarked that it was MY appointment and he really had nothing to say about it if I was late, which I wasn't, and it takes all of 1 minute to run in and tell my mom one more detail about Beeb's stroller. He accused me of being stubborn and smart ass, brought up that I am always late and that he's sick of having to run back into the house for little things I forget all the time (even though he does this too, he beats himself up for it and I don't think it's a big deal). I didn't want to deal with his wrath over whether or not I was allowed to run back inside my house, so I said fine and just go. I knew another hard contraction was coming on, so I didn't want to fight.

We did go on to the appointment, but I was mad. I told him he had no right to tell me if I can or can't get out of the car to get one last thing. I reminded him that all I needed him to do was drive, that in fact, I could just drive myself! I was angry that I let him keep me from going back in to the house, regardless of how important the need was. It was none of his business and I couldn't figure out why he wanted to control all sorts of little meaningless things that I do! In essence, I basically told him he really needed to calm down, go with the flow, this is our child's due date, how could he be sweating mocked him and told him he was absolutely ridiculous to get on to me for things like this and that I wasn't going to sit by and take it. I was smiling and speaking calmly the whole time. DH's behavior wasn't surprising at all, but on this particular moment, on the way to deliver our son, I found the whole thing profoundly meaningless and ABSURD.

But he was dead serious about every bit of it. He yelled and screamed at me the entire 15 minute trip to the hospital. I was in a full on contraction by this point. He screamed so loud I felt vibrations in my ears as he told me I was a bitch, a nag, how sick he was of me, that he hated me and that he was so mad he could just knock me in the head.

And then McDonald's happened. He actually pulled into a McDonald's drive thru, even though we had "no time" for me to run in and tell my mom one more thing back at the house. He barked his order at the innocent drive thru employee in such a way that the employee had to have him repeat his order, which he then shouted and enunciated in a very sarcastic tone.

As soon as his order was completed and he began eating his sandwich, he continued berating me. I just told him to shut up, that I wasn't fucking putting up with this anymore, that he could just drop me off and then go home and send my mom back to the hospital instead. I still couldn't believe he just wouldn't drop it. He was mad because I "talked back" (what am I, his teenage daughter?) to him after he told me not to go back inside the house. He was even madder because I told him he couldn't talk to me that way or tell me what to do. He was in a rage because I wasn't backing down at this point, I held my ground and continued to assert that he was dead wrong to treat me this way, especially while I am freaking having contractions with his son due to be born in just hours.

You would think that the ONE day you let little things slide would be THIS DAY. But not DH. In fact, it's important and meaningful days in our life together that he has habitually ruined in this exact fashion. It's as if the more pressure there is on the day to be wonderful, the more he sabotages it with rage and hateful language.

Yes, I probably called DH stupid on this day, but can you blame me? Other than that, I didn't say anything untruthful or disparaging. I never speak to him the way he does to me. I often wonder what things would be like if I did? But I cannot experiment because that's just not me, it's not in me to be intentionally cruel. It is in him though, without a doubt.

So we pulled up to the ER entrance, which was where I needed to enter to get to the maternity ward quickly. I got out, pulled my bag out of the trunk and walked into the hospital alone. I didn't know if DH was parking or going back to the house to watch Beeb and let my mom take his place with me. I didn't care. I got into the elevator and I was shaking. My contraction was over, but I just still couldn't believe this. Here's all these other happy couples and families about to have babies and here's me...alone...because I have a verbally abusive husband who decided to freak out today simply because I asserted my right to stop the car and run back into the house to tell my mom something. That's it.

I cried for a minute, then I reached my floor. I wiped my tears and walked over to the nurses station and introduced myself. I was early, as expected. They asked me to wait in the waiting room because the shift nurse wasn't on yet for my room. I lost it then, the tears started pouring and I told them I was already having painful contractions and I really wanted to just lay down. They quickly accomodated me and put me in my room, apologizing that my nurse wouldn't be in for probably 15 minutes. I told them thank you and that was perfectly fine, I just couldn't go in the waiting room. I was holding my tears and I didn't think I would last in the waiting room, never mind that the reason for my tears was NOT due to my contractions.

BTW...contraction pain is nothing compared to emotional pain, just saying...

After they left me alone and shut the door, I was relieved that a nurse wouldn't be in for a while. I just sobbed and sobbed. My baby! I kept thinking of this baby boy inside of me who had essentially just witnessed a horrible rage from his father on the same day that he would experience the overstimulating and scary exit from my safe and quiet womb. I still can't believe it today.

DH did eventually show up. He looked sad and told me he was sorry. I was exhausted, I just said okay. The nurse showed up and was worried I was in pain. I felt it was only fair to tell her that yes I was having contractions and that they were around 10-15 minutes apart by now, but my tears had nothing to do with them. I told her that DH had been fighting with me. She looked a little bewildered, poor thing, and she just glanced at DH without making eye contact and reminded him that he needed to treat me special on this day and take care of his child's mother, that it was important to keep me happy. He quietly agreed.

The rest of the day went smoothly. Boo was born easily, I did take the Pitocin and the Epidural, luckily with no side effects this time around. I even breastfed him immediately after he was born, which I hadn't gotten to do with Beeb until hours later because of the heart rate distress (now known to be a side effect of Pitocin!). I didn't even send Boo to the nursery so I could rest, I only let the nurses take him when they had scheduled monitoring to do. Instead, I just laid him by my side all night, both nights and it everything was old hat to this second time mom.

Unforgettable legacy, DH.